Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘Don’t leave me here in this hole alone’
I love fantasy inflected by history and myth, so I was looking forward to 1983s The Raiders of Atlantis
Set in distant 1994.
‘You might change your mind’
and something taking it’s cue from Indiana Jones can’t be all bad.
Oh no, it’s kingdom of the Crystal skull.
‘It’s terrible, Mike’
The film opens with a low rent A-Team.
‘We broke out a prison camp once’
Kidnapping a bad guy via a zipline.
While an archaeologist on an oil platform examines a deep sea find.
‘I think it confirms the existence of Atlantis’
They send a nuclear sub down to investigate.
‘She’s coming up’
That’s cos it’s got a stick attached to it and it’s followed by…
Something…
‘What is that? An island?’
You can’t tell either huh?
'A God damn island!'
Whatever it is it, apparently, makes some people act weird…
by weird I mean spectacularly violent…
by apparently I mean, this is never explained.
‘No one told you?’
and by some people I mean they don’t come from Atlantis, despite lines like...
‘We have come back ’
But the return of the island seems to possess certain people.
‘Manuel have you gone crazy?’
This man, seems to have a mask in his safe on the off-chance a nuclear sub accidentally causes Atlantis to rise.
‘I don’t think you understand’
This would be the point the heroes go to Atlantis and wonder at their civilisation, but instead…
I don’t know if this is confined to the island where they land, if it’s just America or the whole world.
‘I don’t think I wanna know’
If it’s just the island, they should leave.
‘What can we do, our engines are out of whack’
And I’m sure there’s not another boat on the whole island.
But if it’s the whole world, why are the raiders throwing so much at these people?
‘We kill all of you to get to her’
They want Kathy, the archaeologist, who is being protected by hero Mike, and she’s not alone.
‘You came to save us’
‘We’re gonna make it Larry, we’re definitely gonna make it’
I bet they feel safer now.
Liza didn’t make it.
Ditto Barbara.
‘He sure got his’
Bit of a failure that, but given how much better armed the Raiders are, this is inevitable,
unless the heroes are pretty lucky,
'aBrand new! Hey Bill!'
and find a warehouse of guns.
'Just like Napalm!'
‘Hell it is Napalm’
Napalm?
‘Suicide here we come’
Kathy is kidnapped and the heroes give chase.
‘I know where there’s a chopper if you want’
Git to da choppa!
‘Hey, that’s not funny’
The German character is another who randomly joins in, and goes the way of all those helping Mike
‘It’s a long story, I’ll tell you all about it sometime’
But at least I finally get to see Atlantis.
Not really feeling advanced civilisation.
‘Maybe the people of Atlantis know how to live without building eye-sores or ruining the environment.
’Maybe we didn’t have the budget for a more impressive island.
‘Who knows?’
It turns out Atlantis was destroyed by civil war.
‘Probably a kind of nuclear explosion’
and the survivors have since been trapped in an 80’s music video.
They need Kathy to get them out, because she can decipher their own language better than they can.
‘Look at these symbols, do they hold the key?’
The Indiana Jones style adventure I was hoping for now seems a long time ago,
despite the title, this has more in common with The Bronx Warriors…
just an excuse for lots of fighting with no one even pretending this makes sense.
‘Yes I might just be able to figure out what this craziness is all about’
The Raiders use swords as well as guns,
but in Atlantis they have lasers.
And a freeze ray.
‘Can’t move! We’re immobilised’
Quality line.
‘Is it over now?’
Then there’s the ending...
'Help me...'
poor Kathy, lost forever.
‘Kathy! – but I thought you were…?’
This will require some explanation…
'We'll make it Washington'
I almost admire them for not even trying.
Well I love yu too, you dirtball.'
Thanks for watching
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How do you think Cathy last seen being sucked into Atlantis got back to the helicopter?
Let us know your suggestions in the comments below