Hello and welcome.
Today we’re going to be talking about how to recover after you’ve begged your ex for
a second chance.
This is a difficult situation but you need to know that there is still hope.
I am, of course, Brad Browning, Youtube’s Ex Back Geek and author of The Ex Factor.
I’ve helped tens of thousands of people get a second chance with their ex and I’m
here to help you too.
First Let’s talk about why begging doesn’t work.
Then we’ll talk about how you can stop this behaviour and take back both your pride and
your ex.
And keep watching at the end because I’m going to talk about what begging looks like,
because I think many people are making these mistakes without even realizing it.
So first off, I want to say that you’re not alone.
I understand why you begged for your ex to come back.
This is a very common response after a breakup.
It’s hard to accept that they decided to end the relationship.
You know if you could just say the right thing–if you could convince them that they made a mistake–then
you could turn things around and get everything back on track.
You just need to show them that you really care about them by showing them how important
they are to you.
And when that doesn’t work, it can make you feel ashamed and, frankly, worthless.
But the truth is, it’s not your fault that convincing your ex, or begging them didn’t
work.
It actually almost never works for a few reasons.
1.
Power
First, when you beg for your ex you give up any power you had in the relationship.
When you and your ex were dating, things were most likely pretty close to equal.
You two were in love.
You were on the same team.
All you wanted was each other.
But when the relationship ended, this dynamic shifted DRAMATICALLY.
This is especially true if your ex ended the relationship, but in any case, the second
you asked for a second chance and your ex said no, you lost almost all the power you
had in the relationship.
In your relationship you were equals.
Now you are pursuer and pursued.
Your ex knows that you are still that person that they fell in love with.
They remember all your history together.
But once you start to chase them and they back away, all they can really see is that
you’re someone who wants something that they don’t want to give up…their love.
So now any steps you take towards your ex from that point onward, in these early stages,
just reinforces this new dynamic.
2.
Pity
When you continue to beg and plead for your ex’s love and they turn you away, it hurts.
But it has ramifications far beyond whether or not you’re able to get them back.
Because the act of reaching out to them in this way is making you lose value in the eyes
of your ex.
That’s because when you beg for your ex, you come across as a loser.
I know, I hate to say it but it is true.
And no, this doesn’t mean your ex suddenly hates your guts or even really thinks that
you’re a loser.
They care about you and want to give you the benefit of the doubt.
But in those moments, that is how you come across to them and the more you make this
mistake, the more your ex will start to see you this way…and when that happens, all
the good will, the attraction and the chemistry that you’ve built up during your relationship
won’t mean anything because it won’t be able to overcome the pity that your ex now
feels towards you.
Think about it…who would you rather be with?
Someone who can move on from a breakup with their head held high and find something new?
Or someone who has to BEG another person for love and affection?
Yes, being pathetic is attractive to nobody.
3.
Pressure
When you’re trying to get your ex back, you should remember how you attracted them
in the first place.
Remember how excited you were when you first started spending time together.
Do you also remember how strong your feelings towards them felt, like you knew you had finally
found your person?
So what did you do when you realized this?
Did you run to them and vomit your feelings out?
Did you ask them if they loved you too?
Did you make them promise that you two would be together forever?
No, you remembered to stay calm.
You played it cool, you spent time together and you slowly built a relationship.
This is because you understood, on some level, that you were still taking a risk.
You didn’t know if this person wanted to be with you.
You didn’t want to risk being shot down and looking stupid.
But more than that, you didn’t want to put pressure on them and ruin your chances.
You didn’t want to scare them away.
Now you need to remember that just because you and your ex have a history together, it
doesn’t mean that this lesson goes out the window.
In fact, it’s more relevant than ever.
The truth is, you were a lot closer to getting together with this person early in your relationship
than you are right now, after you two have called it quits.
And now the more you push forward with your ex–the more you beg and plead with them–the
more they’re going to feel threatened and put walls up.
Now that will come in different forms.
They may say “No.
It’s over.
Stop asking.”
They may just avoid the conversation.
They may respond more slowly with shorter and shorter messages.
They may even cut you out or block you.
This is your ex putting up walls…and once they’re up, they make the process of getting
your ex back much harder because they’re going to be on their guard any time you contact
them.
Can You Still Get Your Ex Back If You Begged?
There’s good news though: begging for an ex back after breaking up is pretty common
and it’s not always a deal breaker.
There are a few factors at play here.
The sooner after the breakup that you begged, the better.
Breakups are messy across the board.
People say and do things in the heat of the moment that are out of character for them
because of the intensity of the emotion involved.
Your ex knows this.
They most likely did and said some crazy things as well.
And at the same time, since things are so heightened and intense, it can be that your
ex may not remember everything that you said and did during this time.
So if this begging happened during the breakup itself–or even a few days or even weeks
after (depending on how long the relationship was)–then this makes the begging more forgivable.
And, of course, the more aggressive and persistent you were about this, the more you’ve hurt
your chances here.
I’ll talk later on in this video about the different types of begging and how that will
affect your chances but I’ll just say if your begging was pretty limited, you should
be okay.
So now that we know it’s possible, let’s talk about HOW you can recover from this.
Well first off, we need to look at how you can STOP this behaviour because as long as
you continue to beg and plead with your ex, you will continue to be alone.
I know it can be so hard to stop…it almost feels like a compulsion.
Just know that if you really, TRULY want them back, you’re going to need to change your
approach, as hard as that might be.
If you’re wondering exactly how to take that first step, it helps to have a support
system.
I offer online coaching through my website over at BreakupBrad.com/Coaching.
I not only help you end this harmful pattern but also put new systems and routines in place
that are going to help you get the second chance that you want with your ex.
Again that’s BreakupBrad.com/Coaching
Now I want you to remember this because it will really help you get your mind right during
this process: Just because you stop begging doesn’t mean you’re giving up.
Many people think if they stop contacting their ex–if they end the conversation and
leave them be–-that they’re giving up and losing the only chance that they have.
But in fact, the opposite is true.
Once you stop reaching out to your ex in this way, you’ve already begun the process of
winning them back.
You haven’t given up…you’ve just changed tactics from a losing one to one that’s
been proven time and time again: you’re playing the long game.
To make sure this sticks, you need to take steps beyond just committing to NOT reach
out to your ex.
First, you need to get control of your emotions.
This is the hardest step for many people and it’s also the most important.
Your emotions are what have driven you up to this point.
You may think that what you’ve been doing is “logical” but you’re just fooling
yourself.
You feel out of control without this person in your life and in order to regain some of
that control you pursued them.
Now that you’ve realized the error of your ways, you need to address the underlying problem:
your out of control emotions.
Of course, you’re not going to be able to feel amazing right now…you’ve been through
a very difficult time and you’re still in pain.
But it is possible for you to reach a more neutral state where your emotions are in check
and are not driving your actions.
So hopefully you already can imagine some coping skills that have helped you in the
past.
Maybe it’s exercise, routine, socializing with friends and family.
You need to identify all the things that make you feel normal and okay and make them a priority
right now.
I’m sure you may feel like you’re too far gone to engage with these parts of your
life.
But trust me when I say that it’s going to help.
It won’t help immediately but if you keep at it, that emotional normalcy will start
to return.
You’ll wake up one day and not feel the pain in the same way that you do right now.
Count on that.
But remember that healing from something like this isn’t a straight line.
You may feel okay for a couple of days and then fall back into the pit of sadness.
Just know that you’re headed in the right direction as long as you keep trying to move
forward.
Now that you’ve begun to sort yourself out emotionally, let’s talk next steps.
First off, if you haven’t already, you do need to cut ALL contact with your ex at this
point.
There are really very few reasons to stay in contact with your ex during this time.
All you’re going to do is drive yourself crazy and, frankly, push them away.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve stopped begging and pleading…if you still talk to your ex
you’re working against your goal of getting them back.
So it’s time to separate completely.
Now, many people ask me if they should let their ex know that they’re going No Contact.
Do not–I repeat–DO NOT tell your ex that you’re going No Contact with them.
This is only going to cause more drama than it is worth.
It will also make the process less effective.
Just commit to yourself not to contact them anymore for at least 30 days and stick to
it.
Another question I get is should you apologize for begging and pleading with your ex?
No, you shouldn’t apologize.
Don’t ask for forgiveness.
Unfortunately all the apologies in the world won’t change the past and all they’re
going to do is highlight this issue and create one more awkward interaction between you and
your ex.
I know you’re someone who doesn’t like to have unfinished business and you want to
apologize to them so that you feel like the door has been closed.
Instead, let your actions be your apology.
You can’t undo what you did.
All you can do is change your behaviour and move forward.
By going No Contact with your ex, you’re giving them the space that they wanted and
needed in this situation.
From here on out, focus on the present moment and the future.
They think you’re a loser, right now.
We need to change that.
In a second, I’ll tell you a few of the things you need to do right now to both help
increase your confidence and your value in your ex’s eyes.
These steps are all about getting away from that “loser” version of yourself any way
you can.
You don’t have to climb Mount Everest here.
It can honestly be as simple as getting a new haircut or getting a new pair of pants.
Seriously.
It’s all about saying to yourself–and to your ex—I’m not that person anymore.
Of course, you will have to take bigger steps than that.
1.
Live your life to the fullest
This is a cliche for a reason…because it’s so powerful.
I want you to stop living in half measures.
That may be what led to your breakup in the first place.
Get out there and really live your best life.
What that means will depend on you.
It could mean having more fun and doing new and exciting things.
It could mean buckling down at work or school and reaching the next level.
It could mean mastering a new hobby.
Whatever you choose, dive in with both feet and don’t look back.
You have more time on your hands now so you should use it to your advantage.
2.
Be positive
I know you’re feeling quite negative at the moment… and who could blame you??
You’ve been through a lot.
But this is really a scenario where “fake it til you make it” can work wonders.
That is, act as though you’re feeling good and things are looking up until it happens
for real.
Positivity is infectious and it will light up the world around you.
This is a mindset shift that takes a little time so look for an opportunity to brush off
the bad and highlight the good in the world around you.
Compliment people.
Smile, laugh and be the life of the party.
The only thing holding you back right now is you.
3.
Be confident
Again, you’re faced with a difficult dilemma: how can you be confident when you’re so
hurt?
Well the truth is that going through a breakup like this can actually make you realize how
strong you really are.
And being knocked down gives you an opportunity to stand back up.
Don’t let this opportunity go to waste.
Put your best foot forward in interactions.
Own the hard time you’ve been through rather than running from it.
It can actually be really powerful to admit to the people around you that your breakup
really sucked but that you’re looking forward to what’s next.
Showing this kind of introspective side is attractive.
4.
Share it with the world
This is where all the work you’ve put in will influence your ex…without you breaking
No Contact.
Essentially, you want your ex to think that they’re finding out this stuff on their
own without you being involved at all.
And there’s a good chance they already have.
Most people try to keep tabs on their ex following a breakup.
But it can never hurt to make a few posts on social media that subtly hint about all
the good stuff happening in your life right now.
Another method is to have some chats with mutual friends.
Keep the focus on them but drop in a few hints about your recent adventures.
Don’t overdo it here.
Keep it subtle and they will be even more intrigued.
The key here is that when your ex asks about you—and they will–your friend will have
only good things to say about your life without them.
It’s all about surprising your ex.
The last time they saw you you were crying, begging and pleading for them to take you
back.
Now they hear that you’re living this exciting life, they’re going to be extremely surprised
and want to know more.
5.
Forget about your ex’s words.
The things said during a breakup can really hurt.
So do the things said in the aftermath, if you’ve tried to get them back and been shot
down.
You may have heard things like “leave me alone.
I never want to see you again.
There’s no chance.
You’re a loser.”
This sucks to hear, but the good thing is that they’re often said in anger and desperation
after a breakup and so they’re not always 100% true.
I’m not saying to ignore your ex’s boundaries–we’ve already talked about No Contact–but just
know that your ex may have said harsh things to get you to go away because they were scared.
So don’t take these things to heart.
We’re not who we are in our worst moments.
There is still hope.
This is actually all part of a bigger issue.
For a while now, you’ve been making your ex your number one concern.
While I understand how important they are to you, you need to switch the focus off of
them and back onto yourself.
After all, the reason that you want them back is so that you can be happy, right?
So you need to find happiness within yourself during this time apart.
This isn’t always easy but once you begin to look, you’ll see that it is there…
and it’s growing every day.
The different types of begging
Now, I said at the beginning of this video that I’d talk about the different types
of begging and pleading with your ex.
Some of this information may be obvious to you but I think that many people don’t see
how insidious some of this behaviour can be.
You may think that what you’re doing is perfectly innocent and quite subtle when,
in reality, it’s causing your ex’s alarm bells to go off like crazy and make them distance
themselves from you in a big way.
So let’s run it down.
This list will go from the most extreme forms of begging to the most subtle.
Stick around because you don’t want to be doing this by accident, trust me.
1.
Threatening to hurt yourself
Yes, this is the nuclear option when it comes to trying to manipulate another person…which
is what begging is, at its core.
If you threatened suicide or self harm then you’ve done a LOT of damage to your chances
with your ex.
But in this case, your breakup probably isn’t your biggest problem.
I strongly urge you to seek psychological help here.
Even if you don’t feel that way anymore, the fact that you felt this way–or even
just used this as a tactic–suggests that you’ve been through some really, really
tough times and you aren’t coping well.
Reach out to a doctor or a therapist.
It can help more than you’ll ever know.
To a lesser degree, this applies to statements like “I can’t live without you” or “I’ll
die without you” but these are more applicable to number two on this list:
2.
Grandiose statements
You may have said things like “you’re the only good thing in my life” or “I
need you more than I need air” or “my life without you isn’t worth living.”
I know you’re trying to be romantic here but it’s really aggressive and extreme.
I can’t think of a situation where messages like this do anything but scare your ex off.
3.
Straightforward begging
Saying things like “please don’t leave me” or “give me another chance…I promise
I’ll make you happy.”
Any direct pleas like this are, obviously, begging for your ex to stay in the relationship.
4.
Hints and implications
This is the least harmful level of begging but it IS still having a big impact on your
relationship with your ex.
Because while you may not be as confrontational, you’re picking away at your ex with your
little hints and they hate it.
So this goes for statements like:
“Wish I had someone to keep me company…”
“I’m all alone over here.”
“I don’t know about you, but I’m still single…”
“It’s been lonely without you at night.”
Basically any message that could end with three dots or a winky emoji falls into this
category.
It’s a kind of subtle begging for your ex’s attention.
So keep these thoughts to yourself or you’re risking hurting your chances.
So, as you can see, begging can be pretty subtle and you might not even be aware you’re
doing it but your ex sure is.
But if you’ve watched the whole video, now you know how to break this cycle and begin
the process of winning your ex back for good.
Thanks for watching…while you’re here please like and subscribe.
I appreciate your support and I’ll see you next time.