I have two children I have a little girl Payton she's named after Walter Payton
whose nickname was sweetness so I could call her sweetness I have a little girl
have a little girl Payton have a little boy Sam he's five he's named after some
guy my wife knows name's Sam my kids live in a politically correct non-toxic
war because we care so much about children they didn't care about me I
could have been in the backyard chewing on a paintbrush my dad would have walked
outside hi that's my good paintbrush
ride the bus you should ride the bus alright you get on a bus you feel like
calling America's Most Wanted going
two people in a car ought to be two rules first rule is if I'm driving we
listen to my music now second rule is if I'm awake
so are you
I hate it when somebody goes and sleep in my car somebody goes to sleep in your
car do what I do pull into a rest area get your front bumper all the way up
against some trees put the car in neutral rev it up real good and then go
cuz when they wake up and they wail wake up you're gonna have to get that feet
clean right there women are way smarter than the man every woman in this room's
already noticed every other person look at see they're ours they're hooking up
satellite links they have it all going on every woman in this room's already
noticed every other person what there were and who they're sitting with and
formed an opinion on that situation
every man's going I love waffle I'll
woman can go to another woman and God
another woman ago
what's your name
if a man goes to another man he goes hey I'm getting married he'll go run for now
I love her
I love Jenny what's the strongest relationship between women probably a
mother-daughter relationship
no answers better than the wrong answer one time I said what do you think it is
to think the strongest relationships mother-daughter and this woman goes I
don't think fat I think it's grandmother mother and I'm like well that is
mother-daughter sweet whore reason I say mother daughters because my wife and I
had the pleasure of going over to her parents house recently and playing
Scrabble cuz we know how to party you know
we're playing Scrabble in the word Bagby AG is on the table my wife puts the word
goat in front of it to make one word goat bag I'm like challenge what in the
world is a goat bag without listening to beat my mother-in-law goes how you know
underneath the goat where the utters hang down and there's that little well
that's a goat bag 17 points double word scores 34 a high five Julie I look over
my father-in-law is like don't even mess with that just roll with it
maybe you'll get a favor later we're scared of women right guys preach home
brother buzz I shall oh you'll punker right up and you know
you're about to argue with a woman and you know you walk in the room and she
goes we need to talk I don't like to talk if you're gonna argue with a woman
you better have an introduction three paragraphs in a conclusion because she
comes a little bit more prepared turns out she's been thinking about this for
quite some time she's talked to her friends called her mom been on the
internet www dot he's an idiot com
even if you start to win an argument with a woman hypothetically should look
you right in the face thing at whatever hour um what do you mean whatever you
don't even get that yeah I love you men think I love these like duct tape it'll
fix anything in the world