Far beyond the reach of my outstretched hand
Is a phantom shadow of my homeland I
Deserted, I.. thought I had abandoned but,
As I look up at the sky, I am captivated
If I could just shake these feelings
But, I cannot find the courage to do so…
I cry out
Alone, contemplating that oppressive night sky
I sweat
As its threatening hallucinations stir my brain
Then
From the vestiges of the nightmare I saw
It takes all my will to look away
Its wavelengths
Speak to me, mercilessly.
And I
Shove my fingers in my ears,
Clench my teeth
Trying to rid myself the phantoms
Of that place far out of reach, struggling – writhing
I can see them now..
Nostalgic shadows of my friends and comrades.
All of them, faceless, bring their voices to a chorus…
Striking me with their curses and resentment,
Screaming, “You traitor!!”
Though I may
Curse myself
A fool for
Deserting
There is nothing I can change.
As I lie here blaming myself, I only deepen my pain
In a bitter swamp of ambivalence
There it lies beyond the reach
Of my outstretched hand
Filling me with an impatience lined with relief
So much I can hardly face it directly
If it must come to this, I would much rather if I…
If only I could be driven insane!
Unable to do anything
I am disparaged
By the moon shining bright and brilliantly.
On the surface
What a “peaceful life” this is
Laziness
In other words, mind-stopper
And so
I am driven away by the very ones
For which I have feelings I cannot put into words
At the ends of my flight
In the middle of a waking dream
Even here I am
Assaulted by memories of the past
Ah,
Not knowing what I should do,
I wander, lost and suffering.
I can see it now..
My own pitiful shadow.
A dark flame catches in my eye sockets…
And I cry out in anger,
Wailing, “You coward!!”
Though I may
Weep for myself
Pitiful and
Disgraced
There is nothing I can change.
Though I may fight over what is moral or right
That will not bring about my forgiveness
No matter where I go
No matter how much time passes
As I sit here clutching my knees and
Ask myself now whether this is reality
I can do nothing but lie to myself and
Pretend none of this is real…
Unable to forget,
I am scorned
By the moon blazing with light.
As if to say
“You want forgiveness?”
As if to say
“You want redemption?”
As if to say
“How dare you!”
“Forever writhe in the consciousness of your sins!!”
Though I may curse
Though I may weep for
Though I may despise
Though I may hate
Myself, unable to change, I only feel disgusted
Though I even wish I would lose my mind
I cannot drive myself insane
Though I may get emotional
Though I may grieve
Though I may rage
Though I may laugh and scorn
Every road I take leads to a dead end.
And my heart more twisted than my ears
Cries tears a deeper red than my eyes
“Can I lose my mind?” What “Cruel Fate.”
-”Such is Fate.”
Willing to accept insanity,
Endlessly my question
Claws at my heart.