Let me ask you guys a question.
Who here is on Twitter?
[cheering]
OK, I-- that's too many people.
The guy-- the guy who said no, that's a normal person
right there.
I trust you.
Now, by now, you probably know Elon Musk recently bought
Twitter for $44 billion.
Yeah.
And since Elon's takeover, all I see on Twitter
is Twitter sucks.
We should leave Twitter.
Elon ruined Twitter.
But here's the thing, guys.
Elon didn't make Twitter terrible.
Twitter has been terrible for years because of us.
No, you can't dunk on Elon.
It's us.
Twitter is the shittiest platform on planet Earth.
It's worse than Tinder.
And Tinder gives you genital herpes, OK?
But as bad as it gets, no one ever leaves.
Oh, but, Hasan, I can't leave Twitter.
It's the digital town square.
No, it's not.
Twitter is not a town square.
It's Times Square.
Have you been to Times Square?
It's [bleep] terrifying.
You got the M&M store, Mexican Elmo, a guy masturbating,
ads for DraftKings.com.
I'm like, can someone just stab me in the eye and take me out
of this hell?
Oh, but, Hasan, we have to be a part of the discourse.
This is a place for discourse.
Fine.
Let's talk about the discourse.
Has Twitter ever changed anyone's mind on anything?
Is someone like, you know, I used
to think canceling student debt was a bad idea,
but it makes a lot more sense with hand clap emojis.
[laughter]
Oh-- oh, you think we're going to convince
Florida's government to stop banning books with a thread?
Here's a thread.
They've already made it pretty clear they're
not big on reading.
But, Hasan.
Hasan, no, no, I can't leave Twitter.
Everybody's on Twitter.
No, they're not.
Only a small minority of dorks even use Twitter.
Yeah, by the way-- by the way.
And only 10% of those dorks create 80% of the content.
It's a minority of a minority.
There are more country music stars named
Luke than people who tweet.
It just feels like everyone's on it because the news
media is on it.
So journalists see three people tweet about something,
and they're like, everybody's talking about this.
Who the [bleep] is everybody?
Ballsack79 is everybody?
But they go, quote tweet.
Quote tweet. Quote tweet.
This.
But this was nothing.
This was not discourse.
This was three people.
OK, now-- now to the people that
gave it up that were like, I use Twitter,
I will give you this.
I'll give you this.
Twitter has been helpful for boosting the MeToo movement
and spotlighting police brutality,
but it has to be used in dire circumstances.
That should be the captcha for Twitter.
When you log in, it shouldn't ask
you to pick three stoplights.
It should ask you, are you reporting a natural disaster,
an authoritarian government, whistleblowing,
harassment by the police, or are you defending Beyoncé?
Then and only then should you get to tweet.
Outside of that, what the [bleep] is
the upside of anyone tweeting?
Why should I tweet?
Why should you tweet?
Think of the process.
You share your opinion, you argue with people,
and then potentially lose your job.
That's if you're a civilian or a celebrity.
It's a platform with no dialogue,
no grace, no forgiveness.
It's all ISIS beheadings and clout.
And the only thing worse than Twitter's features
are its users.
Not the lurkers.
Lurkers, we're normal.
I'm talking about the power users flooding your timeline.
The amount these psychos tweet is on another level.
George Takei has tweeted 103,000 times since he joined.
That comes out to 23 tweets a day.
George, you can have opinions, but I shouldn't be
able to set my watch to them.
Dude, Mike Cernovich has tweeted 200,000 times.
That's 48 tweets a day.
How the [bleep] do you have that many opinions?
I'm a guy and I only have two opinions.
I love the Sacramento Kings and, real talk,
Chipotle has kind of fallen off.
That's it.
Wajahat Ali.
He's a friend of mine and a writer for the New York Times.
Brag.
Waj has tweeted 185,200 times.
Waj, I have a message from your family.
We miss you, Dad.
Look up.
I don't care what side of the aisle you're on.
Put the crack pipe down and leave Twitter
like you said you would.
What happened to the mass exodus when Elon took over?
I thought all you guys were going to Twitter Canada.
Mastodon.
Find me on Mastodon.
You can catch me on Mastodon, you [bleep] cowards.
And for the people who still think it has value,
you're wrong.
You know this deep down.
You [bleep] feel it here.
You bitch about Elon all the time, but you won't quit.
You don't even have the willpower
to live up to your own values.
You don't give a [bleep] about your values.
You don't give a [bleep].
You care more about your brand than progress.
You don't want to write on Twitter.
You want to write on Succession,
but you're not talented enough to write for Succession,
and neither am I.
I want out of the media grip.
Do you understand?
I want my mind back.
I [bleep] hate this place.
I hate Twitter.
I want out.
Give me my mind back.
Free my mind from [bleep] Yashar Ali's tweets.
Please. - Help!
Help!
What am I doing?
My daughter is here.
What am I doing?
Oh, my god.
I'm the living embodiment of Twitter.
I'm judging other people without changing
anything about myself.
Let me channel the fake Gandhi quote I saw on Twitter.
[laughter]
Maybe I need to be the change I wish to see in the world.
[bleep] this.
I'm leaving Twitter.
I'm leaving this hellscape right now.
Let's do this right now.
You think I'm lying? I'm doing this.
This is real.
And just like everybody on Twitter,
I'm making a long, annoying announcement about it
right here.
You got that?
Yeah, let's do it.
[bleep] yeah.
Let's get the [bleep] out of here.
Deactivate.
Yes, deactivate.
Goodbye.
I'm gone.
I'm free.
[cheering, applause]
So what do I do now?
I guess I can actually go to the town square
and meet people in real life, hang out with my wife,
kiss my children, you know, touch grass.
It's a big world out there.
And I want to live in it.
We had a fun ride, trolls and bad faith actors.
Oh, and by the way, if you hate this on Twitter,
I could give a [bleep] because I'm not there.
Join me in the real world.
And, hey, in case I don't see you, good afternoon,
good evening, and good night.
[cheering, applause]