- I love New York.
I recently went to L.A. for a nine day trip
that was absolute hell for all involved.
And, what I will say is
that I actually don't mind L.A.
I think it's fine.
What I do think is that it would make more logistical sense
if L.A. was closer to New York
or potentially even in New York.
(audience laughing)
You know?
Like, if I was an urban planner, god forbid,
(audience laughing)
I would actually take L.A.
and I would put it kind of where Staten Island is.
(audience laughing)
And then I would take Staten Island,
which is nice to have but we rarely use,
and I would move that to the West Coast
which I kind of view as storage space.
(audience laughing)
Oh my gosh I want to be really clear about the fact
that right now my computer is in the back breast feeding
which is what I call when my phone charges from my computer.
(audience laughing)
My phone, speaking of, actually thinks I'm straight.
I'm gay,
but my phone thinks I'm straight.
And I know that to be true
'cause it recently auto corrected,
"Hi bitch" to "hobbit."
(audience laughing)
I was like, "Okay I can pass."
(audience laughing)
Actually I very much can pass.
I've already once been featured
on Comedy Central's Instagram account.
This is a huge honor.
(cheering)
Thank you, thank you so much.
Okay calm down or I'm gonna call the police
and report you for obsession with me.
(audience laughing)
Truly the last time I was on Comedy Central's Instagram
I did no gay material,
just like family values shit.
But I did speak in this voice,
and it upset straight people across the nation.
(audience laughing)
I think they thought I was doing it on purpose,
which I agree would be socio.
(audience laughing)
But I did read every single comment
because I am absolutely obsessed with myself
and it was just, "Gay people aren't funny."
"I hate gay people."
"I hate the white girl whine."
"We get it.
"You like dick.
"You don't gotta sound like one's in you right now."
"Gay people aren't funny."
But then thank God, finally people did come out and say,
"Actually, shut up
"because gay people are funny.
"And just because this person isn't funny..."
(audience laughing)
"doesn't mean no gay people are funny."
And I was like, "Oh my god,
"even the allies are absolutely dragging me."
(audience laughing)
Put it on my tombstone,
here lies Pat Regan, the allies hated him even.
(audience laughing)
I do have one gay uncle which is amazing.
We're the only two gay people in my family,
so you'd think we'd be friends.
But we're rivals.
(audience laughing)
He's a church queen.
He's like addicted to Cathol.
Can't get enough of the stuff.
The pope is like his Britney.
(audience laughing)
Where as I'm more of the kind of gay
that like loves Queer Eye, you know?
(cheering)
Thank you.
I love Queer Eye's ethos
of what matters is not how you look.
What matters is how you feel
and how you feel is based on how you look.
(audience laughing)
So we are gonna teach you about under eye stick.
I think that's very cool.
I do have a boyfriend right now.
(cheering)
Thank you.
And his whole entire deal is
that this past July
he actually got out of a 10 year relationship with a woman.
Pin drop.
(audience laughing)
But what I will say is he is five, eight
and the girl was six, two.
So it was very much a queer relationship.
(audience laughing)
And people always say, "Is that hard?
"Is that hard?
"Is that hard?"
Honestly that isn't hard.
What's difficult about the relationship
is that his name is Angelo.
Which is obviously a very erotic name
and my name is kind of famously Pat.
(audience laughing)
So if we do choose to have sex with one another
and we're kind of getting into it and I'm like,
"Angelo",
and then he's like, "Pat."
(audience laughing)
We immediately stop.
Everyone puts their clothes back on.
We pretend we never met each other.
(audience laughing)
Before I had a boyfriend
I actually always picked the wrong guys.
I always picked guys that ignored me
or were annoyed by me or hated me even.
Like recently I was actually on the train platform
waiting for the subway to come
and then a subway came and just sped by without stopping.
And I was like okay I'm deeply in love with that train.
(audience laughing)
(exhales heavily)
But I am, I am in therapy to kind of work it all out.
And I know this is a comedy show,
but I just have to take a minute while I'm on stage
to just earnestly go to bat for therapy
because I've been in therapy for a bit
and I'm just finding it to be an amazing space
to just go and charge my phone.
(audience laughing)
Like if you're someone
who's regularly in Manhattan at 12%.
Get your ass into therapy
'cause it has saved my life.
(audience laughing)
One reason I go to a psychiatrist is to get Prozac.
And the primary reason I have Prozac
is to help with my body dysmorphia.
I've been on it for a couple months
and I'm definitely in a place
where I think either Prozac doesn't work
or my body looks like this.
(audience laughing)
And that's totally fine.
I have a gay therapist.
I was talking to him the other day
and I was like, "I think one of my issues,
"one of my problems is that
"I feel like since I'm not super physically attractive,"
waited for 10 minutes for him to jump out of his chair
and correct me, never did.
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "Since I'm not super physically attractive
"I feel like I always have to make people laugh
"and conversationally I'm always trying to validate myself
"through getting people to laugh
"and it's probably really exhausting to be around."
And he said, "I'm sure that's something you struggle with.
"That's part of your job,
"but you should commend yourself
"that you come in here every single day
"and you talk to me and you don't try to make me laugh."
And I'm like, "Yes I fucking do."
(audience laughing)
Oh my god.
Thank god that happened in therapy.
It's like getting shot in a hospital.
(audience laughing)