Thanks for coming out.
Thanks for being here.
This is exciting, man.
Laughter, right?
Fun. I love it.
I love coming to Utah.
I feel at home.
I think that's what it is
and I don't know,
I'm trying to figure out why,
but I just feel like I fit in
here and I think
maybe it's what I wear?
I don't know if . . .
(audience laughing)
Let me explain why I wear what I wear
and what I wear.
I have a thing going here where
I'm kinda getting a little fat.
I don't know if it's,
putting on weight I think is what
is going on right here
and so I untuck to try to hide that,
you know you get some stripes
and some untuck
and all of a sudden, you know,
you look skinny, but I'm not and . . .
(audience laughing)
But it's not my fault.
That's the thing.
It's not my fault.
I had a hernia surgery recently
and the doctor told me that
it's not my fault.
It's not from, you know,
eating hamburgers and nachos
and French fries and ice cream
and pizza and chicken fingers
and chicken nuggets
and chip and dip
and candy bars and Sundaes
and fish sticks and French fries.
and you know,
from laying around watching TV
and watching movies and
playing video games,
it's, you know
it's not from eating, you know,
a lot of Sundaes
and frosted flakes
and cereals and Ho Hos
and laying around
at my neighbor's pool
while they're out of town.
It's not because of that.
It's not me. It's the hernia surgery,
so I've gotten some
postoperative swelling.
That's what he called it.
It's medical jargon.
I don't wanna go over your heads.
I know there's not
a lot of doctors here
but the medical terminology
is postoperative swelling
because they do an incision right there
and you get that swelling
for seven or eight years
(audience laughing)
Looking around,
a lot of hernia surgeries
here tonight too,
I've noticed. Thats . . .
(audience laughing)
Woah.
Y'all do a lot of heavy
lifting around here,
is that . . .
All right.
Well, that's not our fault.
I do.
I think I do.
I fit in though
and again, you know,
I'm trying to figure out
because see, I wear this,
these are not my pants
but I wear this every time
that I perform comedy
and I perform in big cities
around the country
like New York and Los Angeles
and Chicago and
Dallas and Springville,
so when I go,
(audience laughing)
I always get people looking at me
and they're like,
"Oh, are you an accountant?
"Will you do my taxes?
"You're an accountant.
"Right? You look like an accountant.
"Are you an accountant?"
I'm like, No, "You're a narc.
"Are you a narc?
"This guy is—
"He must be a narc."
I don't even know what that means,
but they whisper it,
so I think it's secretive.
You're a narc.
Are you a narc?
I don't know if it has something
to do with sleeping but they're like,
"Are you a middle school
"science teacher?
"Is that what you are?
"A middle school science teacher.
"Hey a Republican.
"Hey, are you Republican?
"You look—"
I'm like, I don't know.
I'm just trying to be comfortable.
That's really all I'm doing,
so that's why I liked coming here
because people are like,
"Oh, you're from Utah."
(audience laughing)
So that comforts me,
it really does.
My name Eric, by the way is—
that's my first name.
My surname is Hunter
and I didn't know that,
that was called a surname.
I didn't know what a surname meant
and it was one time this guy goes,
"Hey, what's your name?"
I said, Eric.
And he goes, "What's your surname?"
I go, "Sir Eric?"
(audience laughing)
Just say last name, okay?
That's all it is, and Eric—
Eric, by the way
is a Scandinavian word.
I don't know if there's
any Eric's out there
but you'll learn something tonight.
Eric is a Scandinavian word.
It means brave,
all powerful one.
You ever noticed that names
always mean something good,
don't they?
They never mean anything bad, right?
Like you never hear anyone go,
"My name it's a Latin word.
"It means urinary tract infection.
(audience laughing)
"Dad named me that.
"He's a kidder."
I do.
I got a fun family.
Irish, Irish Catholic family,
so a big Irish Catholic family.
Any Irish folks here tonight?
You got any Irish?
No, of course not.
There's no—
You can tell I'm Irish,
I'm getting a sunburn right now,
just standing up here
under these lights.
I have SPF 98 on
and I'm still gonna peel
in about 20 minutes.
I mean, this is—
I know it's not—
and I have a fair complexion.
That's what the team of
dermatologists told me.
That's right.
I have a team of dermatologist.
You have a fair complexion again,
the medical jargon.
I'll slow down, if this is,
you have a fair—
When you're dating,
I call it an unfair complexion.
There's not a lot of women
out there going,
"Gosh, I hope he's ghostly looking.
(audience laughing)
"I wanna see right through this loser."
You don't see that
on any profile page.
You really don't,
so it's not easy having this.
That's all I'm saying.
I'm not a hundred percent Irish.
My mom is from Ireland
but my dad's not,
he's from Scranton, Pennsylvania,
so I guess technically,
I'm half Irish, half white,
(audience laughing)
because, yeah, I have that
multi-ethnic background
in me you know, it's—
I have to check other
on the box, you know,
because it's very complicated.
It really is.
I get a lot of stares.
People stare at me all the time.
Like, "What is he?
"What do you think?
"He's got some white in him?
"He's got some white,
"he got a lot of white in him.
"I'll be honest with him.
"He's got a ton of white.
"It's the most white
"I've ever seen in one person."
(audience laughing)
People are staring at me all the time,
trying to fi— but I've endured, so . . .
When I'm not doing this,
I'm a stay-at-home dad
and I love that.
I don't have any kids.
(audience laughing)
Technically I'm a
stay-at-home, I guess . . .
Officially, I'm lazy,
that's my point.
I am very lazy, but I like being lazy.
I think being lazy is good.
You know, you avoid getting hurt
(audience laughing)
so I don't have insurance,
so the less I do,
the less risk I have
of having, you know,
ending up in the ER,
so that's my motto.
(audience laughing)
Do as little as possible.
Hey I won't get locked
out of my apartment again,
so if you don't go out,
you don't get locked out.
Thinker.
(audience laughing)
I'm a thinker.
I got great news today though.
I just found out about this.
I'm very excited.
I just found out,
just got the phone call
on my cell phone.
At the hotel,
they called me on the line.
I got an email.
I think it was a text.
It was a Facebook.
I got a tweet.
Actually, it was a carrier pigeon
that came by.
I got a fax.
The guy came by and
he knocked on the door,
and he yelled this message.
I just found out,
starting on Wednesday.
I'm gonna be performing
on my first cruise.
(audience cheering)
Thank you.
Thank you,
nine of you up front.
The rest of you didn't care.
(audience laughing)
I was all excited about
getting my first cruise.
You're like, man, I own a boat.
That's really not a big deal.
(audience laughing)
My first cruise,
just got the call or the note.
It's on Utah Lake.
(audience laughing)
What?
They don't start you out
on the big ships folks.
Come on, you gotta pay your dues,
so you start out
on your buddies, pontoon boat
and then eventually
(audience laughing)
you work your way up
to the big ships
that have toilets that overflow
everyone gets sick and then it tips over.
That's where I'll be,
(audience laughing)
in many years.
As a child, I was a bed wetter.
(audience laughing)
Not my bed, my brother's bed.
I would sneak into his room,
(audience laughing)
and then I would sneak back
into my room.
I was very crafty as a youngster,
I really was.
Good for me.
(audience laughing)
He would get in trouble, so . . .
I do have a fun family.
I do.
I love my parents to death.
They've been married—
They just celebrated their
47th wedding anniversary,
so that's yeah,
(audience cheering)
Thank you.
47 years,
that's a long time to be married
and in this day and age
so that's great.
I love that they've done that.
and I just celebrated
my 49th birthday,
so we had a . . .
(audience laughing)
We had a . . .
A big party.
A lot of celebrating going on.
My parents did great.
They have a rule.
Here's their rule of thumb.
Here's how they've been married
as long as they have.
They have a something
they do all the time
and they make a point of it.
No matter how many arguments
they've gotten into with each other
throughout the day,
no matter how many fights
they may have had
throughout the day,
they always make a point to
do something nice for the other one,
before they go off to their beds.
(audience laughing)
God love them.
I do.
They're great.
They'd like to see me get married.
They really would.
I thought I'd get married.
Had a longtime girlfriend,
who dumped me recently,
so that's it.
That's all I got was—
It was like
you're petting a puppy, mam.
Oh, it's so cute with the sweater on,
I got dumped.
It hurt.
It really did, right before Christmas
which I think was dumb
'cause then she didn't get her card.
(audience laughing)
If you're gonna dump me
right before the big holiday,
don't expect to get a
Christmas card from good old Eric,
so that one's on her.
That's the way I see it
and we had been dating
a long time too.
We met way back
during asthma camp
and yeah,
she was a heavy breather back then.
I don't know if it had
something to do with me,
but anyway she dumped me.
That's my point.
She dumped me recently.
She said that I was
always correcting her
and I didn't realize that was a thing.
I didn't realize that I was doing that,
but you know, you're always correct—
So anyhow, she'd had enough,
comes over to my house
to break up with me.
She goes, "Eddie, we need to talk."
I go, My name's Eric.
(audience laughing)
She goes, "See, this is what
"I'm talking about right here.
(audience laughing)
"I can't say anything right
"in this relationship.
"So we're done moving on."
So she let me go,
so— but you know,
I think traveling, you know
may have had
a lot to do with that too.
I do.
I get to go around the country
and perform,
which is great.
I was in Nevada recently,
has anyone ever been there?
(audience cheering)
Sure, sure.
About nine of you, all right.
It's not that far
but they have airports
and stuff, cars but . . .
(audience laughing)
I was performing at
a big theater in Las Vegas
which I love to do.
I love going to Las Vegas
and performing,
anyone been to Las Vegas?
(audience cheering)
It sounds like more people
have been to Las Vegas
on that particular pole there
that had been in Nevada.
Did it sound like it?
You guys is that,
did I hear that right?
That was weird.
All right.
No more geography.
That was my fault.
(audience laughing)
I don't know if there's a lot
of single women here tonight,
but I'm trying to try
to start dating again
because you know, it's tough,
getting back to the—
In my last relationship,
we just grew apart.
We didn't have
a whole lot in common,
so I'm looking for, you know,
a woman who maybe
with similar interests,
similar tastes
and instead of doing
all the internet stuff,
I just like to sort of
speak my profile page
I guess is the best way.
You know talk to women, you know
because that doesn't happen a lot,
so you know I love to cook and clean
and I love to lose arguments,
(audience laughing)
so I don't know if that
would mean anything
to any of you ladies out there,
but you know if you're single
and we have a little connection,
I would love to chat after the show,
so I'll be downstairs, after.
My dad owns
a jewelry store too ladies, so
(audience laughing)
again, I don't know if
that means anything to you
but we got a lot of freebies
back at the mansion.
If you wanna come by
and take a look
and if that means anything to you
I'll be upstairs after the show,
if you're single and we can just chat.
My brother owns a Häagen-Dazs
franchise as well, so . . .
(audience laughing)
again, I don't know.
I hope, you know, maybe we
have a little something,
a bond that's really
what I'm hoping for,
so anyway, I'll be outside there
by the parking meter,
there where the bike is,
the chain there by the sidewalk.
You know, you see that sign there
where the red light is and there's,
you know where the mountain is
and I just won
the lottery as well ladies,
so I don't know if you're into money
but I've read where you are,
so again, I'm hoping that, you know
we might have a little something.
I run a little puppy retreat
at my place as well, ladies.
I don't know if you're into puppies
but we nurse them back to health
and then find homes for them,
so that's kind of a journey for me.
(audience laughing)
Bunch of kittens too,
brand new litter,
eyes haven't even opened yet.
They really are cute,
so I hope that means
something to you ladies
because it means a lot to me.
It really does,
so I'll be over there by that table,
after the show.
I love to put like 20 pillows
on my bed too ladies.
(audience laughing)
I love that.
(audience laughing)
Isn't that great?
Just stack them all up
so we can take them all off
and put them all back on
and take them all off
and put them all back on
and take them all off
and put them— every night.
Take them all off every morning,
put them all back.
I love that ladies.
That's my move right there,
(audience laughing)
so, you know, if we have
a little something there
I would love to chat,
so I'll be backstage after this.
Put pillows all over the couch,
so we can't even sit down.
(audience laughing)
Oh, you should see my house.
It's my apartment, my Duplexes,
(audience laughing)
so I'm hoping that—
I've got a lot of candles
at my house too.
I don't know if you like candles
but I light them all the time.
Wake up early in the morning,
just light all the candles,
put them around the hot tub,
so, you know,
you just sit in the hot tub
and it's very soothing.
It's very romantic putting the oils
and spices and vinegars,
(audience laughing)
so if that means anything to you,
I'll be at Pier 1 Imports tomorrow.
Maybe, you know,
if that means anything to you
I'll be there on Sunday as well,
cause there's nothing
on TV on Sunday,
so I'll be hanging out
at Pier 1 Imports all day
because there's nothing on TV
on Sunday.
(audience laughing)
I hate closet space,
so I don't want any closet space.
Ladies please.
Two inches for my sweatshirts, okay?
That's a house rule.
It really is.
That's all I need,
so if that means anything to you,
I would love to—
I love to rearrange furniture
for no apparent reason,
(audience laughing)
heavy stuff back
to where we started
and then just leave it there.
Oh, it's my third favorite thing
to do ladies,
so please,
if that means anything to you,
I would love to chat,
so maybe we can watch
that Lifetime network.
Do you ever watch?
Do you get Lifetime?
but please don't start clicking around
to all the different channels, okay?
I hate when they're always
flicking the clicker
every few seconds,
please put the clicker down
and let's watch one show
in its entirety, okay.
That's unless HGTV is on,
then I gotta click over, right?
'Cause if I miss the big reveal,
oh you don't even want
to be around me.
(audience laughing)
Maybe we can listen to Delilah,
I love Delilah,
so anyway, I'm hoping we
have something in common ladies
and I love to sleep on the
very edge of the bed too.
(audience laughing)
I love that.
I'll hang onto the side and sleep there,
If I have to, I don't care.
(audience laughing)
I don't care.
I don't need blankets or pillows.
You can have all that nonsense.
Just toss me a hanky maybe,
or just flip me a doily,
that's really all I need.
I'll sleep down there
at the foot of the bed.
You put your cold feet right up there.
I will keep those nice and warm.
Dig those toenails in there
and draw blood ladies.
I love that.
Thanks a lot.
You guys were a lot of fun tonight.
Thanks for having me.
(audience cheering)