Hey everybody! Happy Thursday
Now, today's question is all about making
friends when we have social anxiety.
But before we jump into that, are you new
to my channel? Welcome! I am a licensed
therapist, creating educational mental
health videos. And I release those videos
on Mondays and on Thursdays.
So make sure you're subscribed
and have your notifications turned on,
so you don't miss out. Now this week's
question is:
I thought this was a great question,
and although I've talked about how
we can make friends as an adult before,
I haven't really addressed the important
issue in this question:
"What if we have social anxiety?"
Now for those of you who don't know
Social Anxiety Disorder, otherwise known
as Social Phobia. It is diagnosed when
This could be if we have to give a speech
in front of the people that we work with,
or even if we have to eat in front of
other people. We must also fear we will
act in a way or show anxiety symptoms
that will be negatively evaluated by
others. Social situations almost always
provoke fear or anxiety, and we avoid
these types of situations as much as we
can. And our anxiety and fear is out
of proportion to the actual threat posed
by the event. Meaning that even though
the fear and anxiety is very real and
warranted by us, if we had to explain it
to someone else, they wouldn't really
understand why we were so worried or
anxious. Does that make sense?
And
So that's how social anxiety is diagnosed
based on what the DSM- you know if you
don't know what the DSM is, it's the
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for
Mental Disorders. And, I know it's not the
end all be all of things, but it does just
ensure that we are all talking about the
same thing when we say "We have social
anxiety". Okay! Now into the question.
Making friends when we have social anxiety
can be really, really hard, and we can
often talk ourselves out of it before we
even try something. I mean one of the
criteria for social anxiety is we avoid
things that cause us anxiety. And for that
reason, my first tip may be one that you
haven't really heard before. And that is,
Sounds simple enough right?
But this could even be on your walk to
work, or when you go in to grab coffee.
Whenever you interact with people in your
regular day, I want you to make a point
of making eye contact with them.
Just briefly, no need to like [stares]
you know, hold it for a really long time,
that's not what I'm talking about.
But just getting comfortable with this can
be really hard. But just like anything,
with practice, it can get easier and
better. So that's my first tip.
Now my second, I'm gonna do something
a little bit different this portion of
video. If you follow me on Twitter, you
would know that I asked you to share any
tips you have about making friends
when you have social anxiety, and you
gave me a lot of great advice. And the
first trend, because I'm kinda pushing
these together - because there were
so many good ones - but the first trend
that I saw was to meet people
doing a shared activity. And this seems to
help a lot of you overcome the worry
about what you will talk about or what
you will do, kinda that awkward like
standing there. It gives you something to
do together. So think about the things
that you enjoy doing and look for groups
that meet up to do those things together.
Oooh! And also, as I go through all of
these tips, I want you to have some tools
you can use to better manage your anxiety.
Because we're gonna try some hard things,
and we need to know how to calm ourselves
down, right? These can be people you reach out
to, distraction techniques, relaxation
techniques. You name it! And I
have an anxiety workbook in other videos
that I'll link below to help you out with
that. But, for my third tip, if you are
able
This can help you talk through any worries
or concerns you may have. Let you practice
starting conversations, or doing some of
the things that normally would give you
a lot of anxiety, and have you shut down.
It's a safe place to really practice this.
And know that it's perfectly okay
to ask a therapist if they specialize
in anxiety or have experience using
exposure therapy or CBT. You wanna make
sure you're getting the right help when
you need it. Now for my fourth tip,
this was another trend that I saw from all
of you online, and that was: to have a
supportive person come with you during
something that makes you anxious.
Like a work holiday party, or going
to try something out that's new that
you haven't done before. They can help
calm us down or start conversations when
we aren't able. They can even ensure that
we get our needs met, you know, trying to
talk to a customer service person, or
making an appointment - I heard
from a lot of you that you bring a
supportive person to help you through
that - super, super cool. So, if you do
have one supportive friend, or family
member, consider bringing them along when
you can. Tip number five!
Make eye contact right? We're doin' that,
and smile at people throughout your day.
I know that sounds like a really small
step but it can be really hard.
So as you get more and more comfortable
making eye contact, just take it to the
next level. And smiling is the easiest way
to connect with others, without having
to say anything. You'll be surprised how
many people will automatically smile
back. And I know it can feel awkward,
but as always, working on ourselves
and challenging our negative thoughts
or mental illnesses, unfortunately never
easy. But stick with it, because it does
get better. Now for the sixth tip, I'm
gonna share the final trend that I found
on Twitter, but feel free, you know, you
can head over to my account, and follow
the thread, the question that I asked if
you want more advice, because they are
still rolling in. But that is: to prepare
ahead of time. Many of you shared
how you have conversation starters
prepared, or you've practised saying
some things out loud before an event.
I love this! So consider planning ahead
when you can so you can feel prepared
when you show up and that can
almost kind of shake off any of those
extra anxiety feelings we may have.
Now the seventh tip, and I'm sure you can
kinda see where I'm going with these, but
now I want you to say "Good morning!"
or "Have a good night!" or "How was your
weekend?". Think of some really short
ways to engage with someone without
having to come up with a whole
conversation. People love to talk about
themselves, trust me. So if you ever
find yourself struggling to have a
conversation, ask them how their
day was, or what they do for work, or
if they have any pets. Anything about them,
just ask some questions. This can give
you time to relax a bit, and learn about
them. And finally, when it comes to this
tip, let's start with people that we
already kinda know. Like someone we
work with, live with, or see at the gym
or coffee shop every morning. It can also
make it even easier if we already know
we have something in common - they
enjoy coffee too, or like practising yoga,
or we do the same thing for work,
you name it. Find just a little thread of
similarity can give us something to talk
about and hopefully assuage any of those
feelings we may be having. And my
eighth tip is: thought stopping!
And I only add in this tip because from
what all of you have told me, once you've
had a social interaction, you re-think
everything you've said and assume
the worst, like "They probably think I'm
weird" or "Why did I ask such a stupid
question?" ugh all that stuff! And so
this is where those distraction tools can
help! Or you can use my favourite trick
which is telling yourself your favourite
happy memory. Get into all the details
What were you wearing? Where were you?
Were there any, you know, distinct smells
or textures you remember? Really let your
mind wander back to that happy memory
and trust me, the negative thought spiral
that you were in will come to an end.
And my ninth and final tip is: say yes to
social events more. I know, you hate this
tip, but trust me, I know it's really hard
but we're not going to meet anyone
at home alone, or holed up in our room
not talking with our roommates.
Of course, it's going to be hard, and it
will be a bit uncomfortable at first
but, it does get better. And as we have
more experience doing it and we realise
that people do like us, and we can hold
our own in a conversation, we start to
feel more, and more confident.
And the great thing, is that we do know
that anxiety does lessen as we test it and
push the boundaries. Meaning that as
long as we have our tools to calm us
down when needed, I don't want any
of you giving yourself a panic attack
trying any of these things out, but
when we push the limits continuously
those anxiety imposed limits do move,
farther and farther, and we can make
friends. I hope you found that helpful!
I know this is an issue many of you told
me you have, so I hope these tips meet
you where you're at, and are beneficial
to you. But as always, I wanna hear from
you. What are other tips or tools
that have helped you out? Ooh! And finally
if you were wanting something, maybe more
than what this video offered, I have
another video I did a while back that
I'll link in the description and that
should give you kind of the next set of
tips and tools to help you keep
socialising. Okay, thanks for watching!
And I will see you next time. Bye!
Subtitles by the Amara.org community