We got this question written in
and I don't know if I can answer ."Why
does my husband say hurtful things?" I
don't know
specifically. My name is Paul Friedman, I
founded The Marriage Foundation
but I do know that there are things that
you can do to offset
this. There are things you could do
to get him to change his approach to you
a little bit
and there's also things that you can do
to make it easier for you
when he does that. It's not fair for him
to do that. Don't get me wrong.
It's not okay but we're not taught
how to behave in our marriages. Men are
not taught and women
are not taught so there's a ton of
problems in virtually
every marriage because
we're mistaught. And the people who are
supposed to teach us
don't know any better. I happen to know
because I used to be a divorce mediator
20 years plus ago and then I wanted to
switch.
And so I studied marriage from a very
practical, very pragmatic point of view
and I started with the question,
why do people get married in the first
place? I'm bringing this
up because we don't get married in order
to say
hurtful things and we don't get married
so that we could be
hurt by things that our spouse tells us.
We get married to be happy. We get
married to be happier every single day
of our married lives
and to experience unconditional love,
marital love.
You're not, clearly, you're not having
these experiences. So it really
boils back down to this.
If you want to achieve something,
you should have a plan that
scientifically, mathematically works to
achieve
what you want. It's as simple as getting
into a car
and knowing what you have to do to get
that car
to convey you from point A to point B.
You get in. You adjust the mirrors. You
fix your hair
(joking) you know how to drive.
You learn how to drive so you know how
to use this
car to get from point A to point B.
Well, your marriage is supposed to bring
you happiness and love
but you don't know how. So
the fact that your husband is saying
hurtful things, you could blame
him if you want but both of you
don't know how to drive your marriage.
So if you just you know how,
it's a big start.
So definitely subscribe to this channel
so you can learn more about marriage
but also get one of my books. Learn by
get the course for women which will
teach you.
So let's go back to the issue at hand,
you think you can solve this with a
YouTube video, why not?
Let's try, let's try. I'd be very happy.
So one thing if you don't want him to
say hurtful things to you
bear in mind that the you that you are
now
is enticing him for whatever perverse
reason
to say hurtful things. So
change yourself so that
he is no longer talking to the you that
now exists. Does this make sense?
I mean you take a look at someone who
loves dogs and hate cats.
They go up to dogs, "Oh, how are you boy?
Come here. Let me scratch you behind the
ears. They hate cats.
Get out of here I hate cats."
So you want to be
the kind of person that your husband
finds attractive. Now this is not blaming
you for not
being that person. It's merely stating
a fact if you were a different kind of
person,
if your thinking what's different. If
your attitude but let's boil it down a
little deeper.
If you were more user-friendly towards
him.
If you were never critical, always
supportive.
You never condemned him but
always
were uplifting, never complained
but always talked about how wonderful
life is.
Okay. Those are just a few things that
you can change
that will give him a different view of
you
that you never argue with him. It doesn't
mean you give in to him
but you hear him out and then you voice
your opinion in a calm loving
tone. Would that be different from whom
you are now?
Maybe, and maybe it'll make a big
difference. So in the meantime,
when he says hurtful things to you and I
don't know what he's saying, it doesn't
really matter.
There's an old saying if
someone gets on your nerves, don't put
your nerves out there.
Don't let them step on them.
Don't react, control. You are
a human being. You have free will that
means you get to control your mind. You
get to control your
inner reactions. So if someone says
something to you
that is hurtful, you don't even have to
stuff it. You could just say
to yourself, "I'm not going to react to
that,"
that's not true or maybe it is true but
that was really
crude. I'm not going to react. I'm not
even going to react
instead I'm going to go get a glass of
water or I'm going to go do something else
so that's the other. One work on changing
yourself
and the best way to do that, by the way
if you are interested in that
is to use our course for women. It's very
powerful.
It's a self-help course in the context
of marriage,
and many thousands of women
have taken this, not their husbands just
the women
and they've had tremendous success in
changing the dynamics of their marriage
into what I described before.
Something that's producing happiness and
love
and that's what you want.
And the other thing to do, the advice,
is to not take anything personally.
Just don't bother, just let him say
whatever he wants
but that's not very positive, that's not
a positive
proactive to make your marriage better
kind of thing to do.
Yeah, it'll save you some grief but it's
much better to work on changing yourself.
Trust me. Hopefully, you like this video
so
do that like it and leave a comment if
you wish.
Love your comments, I'll respond and
other than that,
God bless you! If you need help write
into The Marriage Foundation,
it's a free service. We're nonprofit. We