- Who's a cheater?
Is anybody cheating tonight?
Anybody got anything they wanna admit to come on now?
Nobody, okay.
All right, okay.
Statistically that's a lie, but cool.
Good for you guys.
Good, I'm proud of you.
That's great.
I'm not cheater.
I've been with my wife for 15 years.
Never cheated.
I think that's pretty good.
It's pretty good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The bar is low, but I'm gonna accept that applause.
Yes, I am a phenomenal person.
Yeah, never cheated.
Pretty good, it's pretty good, never cheated.
It's pretty good.
Also never been offered, so it's pretty easy.
I would, I don't even like her, honestly.
I am actively trying.
Just nobody's taking the bait, you know?
No, number one reason I don't cheat is I love my wife
but also I just, I wanna be a good guy and I don't think
I honestly always have been.
I grew up around a lot of toxic masculinity
and it got projected onto be lot 'cause I'm a bigger guy.
I'm 6' 5".
I have a deep voice, strong stash.
We can be honest about things.
I'm a pretty masculine package, honestly.
I am.
My last name is sir, S-I-R.
My name is Henry Sir
I sound like an American hero from GI Joe.
Sometimes people call me Mr. Sir.
I'm like I can't handle this power.
Please just
Ah, ah.
I don't wanna just point the finger though.
I wanna do a better job of holding myself accountable
for when I've been a part of the problem.
'Cause we all have.
I grew up in the nineties and the two thousands.
I know I have.
I'm not trying to be edgy, I'm just being honest.
I grew up in that crazy era where we called everything gay.
Don't lie.
I know you did.
I'm from Canada and we did.
I know you guys did.
I've read a history book.
I know you guys did.
We didn't even have freedom.
We were doing it.
I know you guys were doing it with all the freedom.
With all the freedom Eagles soaring in the sky all the time.
And those freedom amendments of yours.
I know you were doing it.
I'm not condoning it.
I feel terrible.
It's very ignorant.
I feel really bad for the actual gay kids that impacted.
But at the time, that didn't stop us from calling
literally, literally everything gay.
Didn't even have to be people, concepts were gay.
Someone would be like, "Hey man, you wanna go swimming?"
And another guy's like, "Nah, swimming's gay."
And everyone's like
"that's a perfectly valid reason to not go swimming."
Yeah
Yeah, swimming is a pinch.
Gay, come to think of it
we better steer clear a couple alpha male
nine year olds like us.
We have an image to maintain
on the streets of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
We can't partake in such cuckery like swimming.
That'd be ridiculous.
It's true.
Everything was gay.
I was gay.
My dad gay.
Every man I ever met growing up was gay for some reason.
'Cause that's all I meant to be a man is you sit there
you call things gay, then you get called gay,
and the cycle repeats forever
and you bottle it up so you don't snap.
'Cause if you snap, they're all gonna call you gay.
But then you end up snapping,
because you bottled it up and you were gay the whole time.
There was nothing you could do.
It was a tough spot where the last thing you
wanted to be called was gay.
And there was literally nothing you could do
that wasn't gonna make you gay.
You get caught reading a book.
Matt got braces.
He was gay.
Chris tried out for volleyball, gay.
Colin was dating Cheryl.
Most of the guys liked Cheryl.
Colin was the gayest guy in all of Canada.
And we told Colin all the time, I'm from Alberta, Canada.
That's like the cowboy oil rig.
Tough guy province.
If you had a vegetable,
if you got caught eating a vegetable is a better way
of saying that.
If you got caught eating something with a vitamin in it,
all the old guys
in their denim tuxedos like, oh, it's rabbit's food.
What are you doing son?
Be a man.
Eat a steak.
Be a straight man.
Eat a steak.
Put a nice,
thick,
juicy piece of meat in your mouth like a straight man.
Ditch the salad.
I'm the youngest of four brothers.
When I was 13, I wrote a poem and they found it.
Yeah.
I've been in witness protection ever since.
I haven't seen my family in 20 years.
I didn't move to the states.
I was relocated.
I had no choice.
All because I tried to express myself creatively
when I was a child.
We were such lazy hypocrites.
We'd go around calling everything gay
and then that same night we'd have a sleepover.
What are we doing?
It's a very romantic notion.
Essentially what we're saying to each other is, listen man,
I like being with you so much that even when we sleep,
I think it's best that we're together.
I really do.
I wanna start tomorrow morning off right.
I wanna be looking at you the literal second
I open my eyes because,
God this connection we have is special
and I just love you so much.
I want to do everything with you.
That's nice.
I feel like guys should be able to express
that to one another.
But we can't.
You can't say anything even close to that.
You can't say anything.
I would make this mistake at a sleepover.
I would just say goodnight.
I would get verbally tarred
and feathered for saying goodnight.
Sleepover with a bunch of guys in Alberta, Canada.
I'd just be like, ah, "Good night guys."
You're like, oh, "Don't be gay."
That's what did, it was me saying goodnight.
That's what tarnished this otherwise oozing, machismo
bravado filled event was me saying goodnight.
Look at the buildup.
Look at where we are.
This has been a dance of seduction.
We've been courting each other man.
We made plans on Monday.
This is literally all I've been able to think about.
I have been losing sleep with anticipation for this night.
Spent a lovely afternoon through evening with one another.
I'm way further with this dude,
I'd ever been with a girl.
Sleeping in the same bed in our boxers.
The water bed.
There's a Laval lamp on,
there's a lava lamp on next to my head, but that's fine.
Is that I said good night.
The Lava lamp, that's fine.
It's a couple guys, a couple guys,
a couple bowl, a couple bulls locking horns.
Just a couple guys.
We might lock horns.
There's a distinct possibility,
'cause at some point tonight we're gonna be face to face,
breath to breath, completely erect.
So that is a distinct possibility.
We would project weakness onto things that just aren't weak.
We'd make fun of male cheerleaders.
Have you ever seen a male cheerleader up close in the flesh?
It's horrifying.
It's like when you see a moose
in the woods, you're just like, my god,
the sheer size of this beast.
It's magnificent.
Male cheerleaders, man.
Don't sleep on him.
Built like a fridge stallion, thorough bread.
Just doing standstill back flips.
'Cause he's in the mood.
This guy has a trained assassin.
And this is a problem out on the streets.
Guys are so ignorant.
They hear dude's a male cheerleader like, pantsy,
you'd kick that guy's ***.
A male cheerleader would destroy me
if I ever got in a fight with him.
We wouldn't even have to throw a punch.
He just grabbed me, flip me like 18 feet in the air.
Couple steps back, not catch me.
What am I gonna do?
It's game over.
I'm a heap on the floor.
He's throwing in all these cocky little victory dances
just to taunt me.
What a dick.
Male cheerleading is some of the most
toxic masculinity you're ever
gonna see in your life.
Just some way over the top
unnecessarily yoked up dude
literally throwing women around.
It's like, ah.
Man, this guy's such a boss.
Look at those glutes, unreal.
I joke about things.
I joke about things and it really though, I hate ignorance.
I hate ignorance of all kinds and homophobia the most.
This isn't to be preachy,
but it hits really close to home
because I joke about how my brothers made fun of me.
But then you get older, you mature, life happens,
and it just, homophobia hits really close to home.
'Cause one of my brothers is gay, so yeah.
I think he's gay.
I tell him he's gay.
Get outta here in a sec.
I try and be a progressive guy.
I don't know how much longer I'm gonna be.
And that's not because my politics are changing.
It's just the world's changing so fast
and I think that's how it works.
You think you have the right idea
then a few decades later, you're a barbarian.
Right?
That's how it goes.
And we're not gonna be immune to that.
That's gonna happen to us.
And I worry what's gonna be the thing that makes me
the old angry white guy I grew
up around but never want to be.
I think I know.
Robots are here.
Cyborgs.
Yeah.
Cyborgs are coming.
I'm not making this up.
Some people are already advocating for robot rights.
It's scary.
So what if I have a daughter
in 30 years, she's coming home telling me how
she's marrying a manandroid or something like that.
Now all of a sudden I'm the old angry white dad.
It's like, no uh-uh, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't think so.
Not a chance.
Not in a million years.
My little girl is not marrying one of them.
I don't think so.
Well, she's telling me I'm robophobic.
What if I'm a robophobe?
What if I'm robophobic?
If Robophobia is a thing
I'm going to be a rampant robophobe.
I'm not gonna be a closet robophobe.
I'm not doing the whole look both ways.
Well, I'm not robophobic, but no, no, no, no.
The only thing you're gonna know about me is
that I'm robophobic, huge part of my brand.
I'm gonna be calling them robos and things like that.
**** those robos.
I can't stand them.
I'm gonna have all sorts of robophobic gear
like shirts and hats and flags
in my truck that say no robo and stuff like that.
Those ******* robos stealing all of our jobs.
******* up our economy.
I hate 'em.
****** robos.
That's gonna be the thing that makes me the old
angry white guy.
I'm just sitting around ****** all the time.
Nothing's even happened.
I can't have any fun anymore.
Can't do anything.
PC, police can't do anything.
I can't watch Robocop anymore, cause just cop,
everybody **** a brick.
I can't do the robot at weddings anymore
'cause it's cultural appropriation.
What if that's like the most problematic thing
you can do 20 years from now, full body robot.
There's gonna be video surfacing
of me just lighting it up at my buddy's wedding.
It's so problematic.
It's gonna be like the 2050s watered
down version of blackface or something.
It's just over for me.
'Cause I did full body robot.
No career aspirations from here on out.
There's literally nothing I can do career wise.
I'm just gonna have to like,
move back to Canada and become Prime Minister
or something like that.
That's literally all I can.
All right.
Thank you guys.
I'm Henry Sir.
I love you so much Benny.
(soft music)