When your husband looks at another woman. I'm Paul Friedman, I founded The Marriage
Foundation and I can help you with this one. I want you to understand something
about women and men and that is that men are more conspicuous than women. Women
look at other men, and men look at other women -- can't help it. We live in a world
where due to our biology and innate in our bodies is the drive to survive
and the drive to survive is constantly telling on your mind, watch out. You don't
know what danger is out there. It's also telling your mind, watch out. You never
know what opportunity is out there and this means that you have two big
functions going on as a result of the drive to survive. One is the material
survival of the body and the other part is the procreative drive. It's just below
the -- don't touch me or I'll kill you drive and this drive to procreate never
goes away. This drive to self protect never goes away
so this drive to look for opportunity is always there. What do I mean by
opportunity, you know what I mean by opportunity. Now, we're human beings. We're
not dogs, I mean we walk down the street and if there's a lot of dogs around and
there's a female dog in heat you're going to see a line of male dogs and
sometimes they're fighting each other over the rights and sometimes they're
just in line waiting for their turn. They don't have discrimination. That females
not going to be anybody's wife but human beings are not animals. We have an animal
body, we do but we're angels in an animal body. We're
endowed with the ability to recognize ourselves for what we truly are which is
souls. And so as a result of that, we use our discrimination to tailor our lives
according to our society and our society tailors itself according to the dictates
of a principles based morality, hopefully. So in other words, we don't look men.
Don't look at other women with the idea in our mind, "Whoa, I'm going to get a piece
of that." And women aren't looking at other men with, "Maybe, I'm ready."
No, but the instinctive compulsion doesn't go away because we
have bodies. Now, it doesn't mean it doesn't go away for everybody. There are some
souls, some individual men who have so disciplined themselves that they no
longer see women as opportunities. Legitimate and sincere priests, monks of
any order deeply devout aspirants, they don't see
women that way. They see them as their daughters or their sisters or their
mothers. So if your husband looks and he's undisciplined
as most men are, he may look twice. If he's somewhat disciplined he may look
until he notices you noticing that he's looking and then he'll look away. If he's
mad at you, he may look and kind of rub it in your nose that he's looking when
he notices you noticing him he'll look so that you notice and if that's the
case, then you need to do something about your marriage because there's something
wrong with what you're delivering to your marriage and you might say, "No, no
he's the one looking. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, he's looking, he's bad."
No, that's a very selfish attitude. You didn't get married to put him on a leash,
I hope. I hope you got married so that you could fulfill your promise to him of
loving him unconditionally, respecting him, nurturing him because you've got
that heart quality that he lacks. Isn't that why you married him to make him
happy? Is that what you told him?" I'll make you happy dear. You'll be so happy."
If he's looking and making it a point for you to recognize that he's looking
then you're not delivering in your marriage and you need to change your
ways but if he's just glancing and then looking away, don't project your fears.
Control your mind, understand that that jealousy that you
have because there's no better word is part of your drive to survive and it has
no place in the marriage so mitigate its effects. Don't say
anything. Don't display any emotion. Let it go and recognize that your husband is
a man and then give him the kind of loving, I'm not talking about sexual. I'll
give him the kind of loving where he feels there's no woman in this world who
loves me more than my wife because if he's not thinking that way that's on you
that's not on him.
Now, I know I'm going to get a bunch of comments about this where some women are
going to be outraged and I'm going to go, "Man, you're a typical fashion a-hole
and you are just looking at it from a man's point of view." No, I'm not. I'm
looking at it objectively and if you're not looking at it the way I'm looking at
it then you're the one who's got the problems and it's true. And if you have
that problem and your husband is looking at other women, your problems going to
get is aspirated because you're building up a cycle between you of mistrust,
misunderstanding and it's not going to work. You got married in order to be happy and
so did your husband and you want to do everything in your power to make your
husband happy and I do mean everything in your power to make him happy. And now
I'm going to tell you, "Don't try to do this on your own because you don't understand
your husband." I know that you don't understand him just by the fact that
you're looking at this video. Get one of my books. Learn about marriage. I went to
the same schools you did. They don't teach us about relationships. They don't
teach us about gender differences and how they impact us. We don't learn. We
don't learn the simple most basic things about marriage, for instance, why did you
get married at all? Answer, you got married to be happy with an expectation
that you would get ever more happy as the years went on. Did you know that?
No, but that's bottom-line principle because that becomes your poll star that
should guide all of your actions. Second principle, what makes you happy?
Yeah, we all like to make more money. We all like to go out and pig out. We all
like to dance and have fun but that's all fleeting happiness. What
always makes us happy, ever-expanding happiness is unconditional love
principle too. So these two are the twin pole stars for all of our behavior
Why? Because you have free will, you have volition. You get to control all
of your behavior so everything that you do, you know getting married isn't
getting on a right at a theme park. You still have to act out your life and it's
a spiritual path marriage because love is the ultimate reward. Happiness, joy of
love is the ultimate reward so you have to do in accordance to the guides of
happiness and unconditional love. Yeah, forget this little stuff he's looking at
women. Focus on your marriage, make your marriage amazing that's where it's at.
All right, don't be mad at me and I won't be mad at you. I won't be mad at you
anyway, but don't be mad at me. I'm sharing with you things that I've been
working on decades and you know I was a divorce mediator before and
when I was a divorce mediator I never had clients come in where the wife has said
"Well, he looks at other women. Cheated on me, yeah. But looks at other women,
no." Make your marriage phenomenal. It's in your power and you don't need to do it
together with your husband. Marriage is an individual path that you
do together but you're only responsible for your own behaviors. All right.
You can subscribe to my videos. You can like this one or you could not like this
one and you could also leave a comment. You could share this and mostly, I just
want you to have a very happy marriage. It's so doable, it's so doable.
Blessings to you, blessings to your husband, blessings to your family. God
bless you. Thank you for taking your time with me.