- Being mentally strong is something we all want,
but it can sound unattainable or ambiguous,
which is why I like to think of it
as building up our ability to weather life storms.
Because if the past two and a half years
have taught us anything,
it's that we can't control our world,
but we can control how we respond to it.
So let's get into the 10 things mentally strong people do.
(bright music)
Number one, they look for positive confirmation bias.
(people speaking indistinctly) (people laughing)
Our nervous system is wired
to seek out threats in our environment,
meaning that it's always surveying things around us
to see if it needs to trigger our stress response,
otherwise known as fight, flight, freeze or fawn.
And in that stress response,
it readys us to take action or not,
which means that we're gonna be more likely
to look for the bad or threatening things in our life,
things that are hurtful, stressful and holding us back.
So this one is gonna take a little bit more effort
to put into practice,
but it can be incredibly life-changing.
Not only can it improve our mood,
but it can also build our resilience.
Looking out for things that are going our way.
People who are kind.
And all the things that are going well for us
can make us more hopeful, motivated
and more mentally strong.
It can be hard to always do the right things for ourselves.
Even if we know what we need to do,
following through can be difficult,
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It not only has helped me keep up with small,
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it's helped me better manage the ups and downs of life.
Like right now,
I'm working my way through the coaching series,
Becoming Resilient.
Because while the basic healthy habits
do help me become more mentally strong,
we all know that we can't control other people
and it's helpful to be reminded of how to bounce back
from all life can throw our way.
One of my favorite quotes from this series is
"There are three things that can hold us back.
"I must do well.
"You must treat me well and the world must be easy."
And I know that these things aren't true
and that they do hold me back,
but I really needed that reminder.
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Number two, they focus on things that they can control.
(air whooshing) (keyboard clacking)
Now this one sounds really simple,
but we can easily find ourselves thinking
or even saying things like
"I just won't be happy until I get that promotion."
Or "I could move on if they would just say
"that they're sorry."
When we focus on things that we don't have control over,
i.e, other people, then we place our wellbeing
or our mood completely in their hands,
and then we don't have any power over our lives, right?
So whenever we find ourselves upset
with something that's happening,
this could be a situation at work or school,
maybe a relationship or even our living situation,
consider what it is that you, you,
personally can do about the issue.
Could we maybe speak up to our teacher or our boss?
Maybe we freshen up our resume
and start looking for another job.
Or maybe we talk to that friend or partner
about the stuff that's upsetting us.
We can always choose what we want to do.
It's just harder sometimes to hold ourselves accountable
and do something about it.
But doing this will help us feel empowered
and in control of our future.
Number three, they have healthy boundaries.
(cars whooshing)
Mentally strong people don't let others walk all over them
or set expectations they don't agree with.
They communicate what's okay and not okay for them
and hold people accountable.
Now I know this one is hard for many of us,
but we can start small by saying no
when someone asks us to do something we aren't able to do.
And this could be because we don't have the time,
we don't know how or we have a scheduling conflict,
or frankly, we don't want to.
Saying no is healthy.
It's part of asserting ourselves
and necessary if we're going to
ever develop fulfilling relationships.
I know it can feel like a lot at first,
but give it a try, and I promise you,
as someone who is still kind of new to this,
it does get easier little by little.
I also found it easier, just a little tip from me to you,
if this helps, to start with people
that I'm not that close with,
like people at work or casual acquaintances,
and then moving into family and friends.
I just found that transition to be a little easier on me.
Oh, and if you're new here, my name's Kati Morton.
I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist.
I talk about relationships, intimacy, anxiety,
how to find the right therapist,
and really, anything mental health-related.
So if you'd like to subscribe, we would love to have you.
I promise, you will always leave
with some helpful information for you
or for someone you love.
Okay, let's get back into our video with number four.
(people speaking indistinctly)
That they take responsibility.
This doesn't mean that we take responsibility
for other people,
but we do own up to our role in things,
meaning we understand that our actions have consequences,
good or bad.
And if we we did something to cause an issue or an upset,
we apologize and try to make it right.
Kind of going back to the first
and second things that we talked about.
You know, looking for the positives
and focusing on what we can control.
If we make our pain someone else's problem
and are constantly looking for ways
that they continue to do us wrong,
we essentially have no power in our life.
But when we take responsibility
for our own thoughts, actions, choices and life,
then we have the power to make it better.
It also means that people who know us will respect us
and want to be around us more.
No one likes to be around someone who complains
but doesn't want to do anything about it
or is constantly talking about all the ways
that the world has wronged them.
Being responsible, it can be hard at first,
but it will make our lives so much easier in the long run.
Number five, they have built fulfilling relationships.
(girl laughing)
We can't do everything on our own,
and humans, we're social creatures.
Connection with others actually calms our nervous system
and improves our mood.
Now obviously,
we all need different levels of socialization,
but being isolated only wears on us
and lowers our ability to weather life storms.
You can look it up.
It's called the Polyvagal Theory and it's fascinating.
But having people around us who know us well
and are like a breath in is vital.
And I know this can take time,
but even making these connections is helpful,
and slowly but surely, we will have more people
that we can call on when we need
and who can lean on us when they need support too
because feeling needed and being able to help others
also builds up our resilience.
Number six, they learn from past mistakes.
(air whooshing) (keyboard clacking)
Notice I didn't say that they don't make any mistakes
because everybody does.
When bad things happen or things go wrong,
we figure out why.
What our role was, right?
We're taking responsibility.
And if we need to change something
so that that bad thing doesn't happen again,
even if that means changing who we spend time with,
and I'm gonna be honest,
we often think that learning from past mistakes
is kind of like a no-brainer,
but it can be hard to break patterns.
So take your time considering your role
in the things that maybe have gone wrong
and if you've been in a similar situation like that before.
It helps to notice those patterns
so that we can change them for the better.
Number seven, they are not entitled.
(people speaking indistinctly)
The definition of entitled in case you don't know
is believing one's self to be inherently deserving
of privileges or special treatment.
And I think we can all agree
that being around someone like this is, it's difficult.
When we're entitled,
we don't think we have to work for anything,
that it should all just come to us.
Wouldn't that be nice, right?
'Cause that's not the way life works.
In acting in this way will mean
that we aren't prepared when we need to be
and people are less likely to offer help or guidance.
People who are mentally strong
know that they will have to work for what they want
and don't expect anyone to offer them special treatment
unless it's earned.
This just means that we're good people
who believe we should all be treated the same way.
Number eight, and this one's hard,
but it's that they know they can't please everyone.
(people speaking indistinctly)
(machine whirring)
You all know this is a difficult one for me
and something that I am still working on,
but mentally strong people acknowledge the impossibility
of everyone out there thinking that they're great.
Whenever I research or write about people-pleasing,
the premise, it always sounds so obvious to me, right?
Not everyone is gonna like me.
It's just not possible, duh, 'cause everyone's so different.
But in practice, when I try to do this, it's really hard
and it's something that I constantly
have to remind myself of.
One thing I think that helps, or so far it's helping,
is surrounding myself with people who truly know me.
They support me.
And they're shared respect in our relationships.
Everyone else doesn't know me in that way,
and therefore, can't truly like or not like me.
Does that make sense?
It helps to remind me that people online
or at work who don't know me or spend much time with me
can't really know if they like me or not.
Even if they try to express it one way or another,
they frankly aren't informed enough to do that.
It's essentially my way of using logic and reason
to push out those like annoying,
intrusive, self-hatred-like thoughts.
I don't know, I thought maybe it could help you too.
Who knows, give it a try and let me know.
Number nine, they practice gratitude.
(wind gently whooshing)
And this ties nicely to number one
because when we take the time to notice
all that's going right for us in our world,
it makes it seem, to our brain and our nervous system,
that we are okay and things are good.
Remember, we are primed to find all the bad things
so we can fight back or run away.
But if we keep pulling our mind to the things we have
and the ways our day was made easier,
our nervous system is soothed.
We feel better, which leads to us being more resilient
and able to weather any storms that life throws our way.
And know that it's okay to start with small things,
like I'm grateful for the ability to see
or hear this video.
That I have the internet.
I have a roof over my head.
Or that I was able to shower today.
Whatever basic needs that we're able to meet,
try to notice those things and be grateful for them.
We truly have so much to be grateful for.
Don't let the good stuff just slip away unnoticed
when we all know how much time
we spend focusing on the bad things.
And finally, number 10,
people who are mentally strong prioritize their basic needs.
(people speaking indistinctly)
This means that we drink enough water.
We eat regular balanced meals.
We sleep enough.
We go to the doctor when we don't feel well
and take our medication as prescribed.
These things always seem to be the ones
that we ignore first when we get stressed,
but they are the most important.
Simple? Sure,
but vital to our ability to handle life.
In DBT, or dialectical behavior therapy,
which was created to help those of us
with borderline personality disorder,
although, I think it could help everyone.
Taking care of our basic needs is a huge portion
of the emotion regulation bit.
Because if we don't take care of our basic needs,
we're gonna become more vulnerable to our emotions,
meaning that they're gonna run us
instead of us acknowledging them
and then deciding how we want to proceed.
Taking care of our basic needs means
that we'll have more ability to stay in our wise mind
instead of getting pulled into our emotion mind,
which even if you haven't done any DBT work,
I think we can all admit that being in our emotions
and reacting out of them
can harm our relationships with others and ourselves.
To quickly recap 'cause I know that was a lot.
Number one, people who are mentally strong
look for positive things to confirm that their life is good.
Number two, they focus on the things that they can control.
Number three, they have healthy boundaries.
They let people know what's okay
and not okay and respect others.
Number four, they take responsibility for themselves
and their actions.
They'll apologize when they need to make things right.
Number five, they build fulfilling relationships.
Number six, they do their best to learn from past mistakes.
Number seven, they are not entitled.
They know they're gonna have to work for it.
Number eight, they know that they can't please everyone.
Number nine, they practice gratitude.
And number 10, and finally,
they prioritize their basic needs.
And I know this can be overwhelming
to consider all of these things at once,
but maybe pick one that you wanna work on this week or month
and focus on improving or doing that in your life more.
It's the small daily changes
that we feel the most difference.
Okay, I hope that those points and insights
are helpful to you as we all work together
to become more resilient
and better able to weather life storms.
I know it's hard work, but trust me, you're worth it.
Thank you so much for watching and I'll see you next time.
(bright music)