-Our next guest is a very funny comedian
whose solo show "A Sugar Daddy" is running off-Broadway
at the SoHo Playhouse through February 17th.
Please welcome to the show Sam Morrison, everybody.
♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Thank you.
I was just walking down the street.
Somebody told me to go back to where I come from.
I'm just white and gay. This guy thinks there's
a country where gay people come from,
which means he knows about Canada.
[ Laughter ]
I just got this thing. Can I show this to you?
Do you know what it is? It's a Tide pod.
[ Laughter ]
No, this helps the poppers get right to my bloodstream and --
[ Laughter ]
No, this is a glucose monitor.
It reads my blood sugar on my phone.
But I love to tell dumb people,
it just showed up after the booster shot.
[ Laughter ]
I don't know where it came from. It's very scary.
I think we were worried about microchipping.
We just forgot about macro-chipping.
Do you see that thing? It's huge!
[ Laughter ]
And if they believe that, I go,
"Oh, my God, I think it's spreading.
Do you see anything?"
[ Laughter ]
And if they keep asking and I don't want to explain,
I just go, "I am so sorry. I have to take this. Hello?"
[ Laughter ]
And if they touch it, I go, "Oh, no."
Which is also my profile picture on Grindr.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And I like to tell old men that it's Apple Pay.
[ Laughter ]
Okay. I'm going to tell you guys a little story.
It's a little intense, but I'm okay.
A couple months ago, I got mugged.
He said, "I have a gun. Give me your phone."
And I said, "No."
I know we just met,
but I think we can all agree that was off-brand.
[ Laughter ]
I'm an anxious, asthmatic, gay, diabetic Jew.
We're not known to excel in moments of crisis.
[ Laughter ]
I mean if you just asked me for my phone right now, I'd be like,
"No, take it."
If you're looking for the nudes, they're under Israel trip 2012."
[ Laughter ]
"Sell 'em."
[ Laughter ]
But I said, "No."
He said, "I have a gun, give me your phone," and I said --
Well, technically, I said, "Not now." I don't know why.
[ Laughter ]
I basically reacted like he invited me to a Kanye concert.
I was like, "No, now's just not the best time. It's not good."
[ Laughter and applause ]
He goes, "I need you to give me your phone," and then he reaches
his hand into his presumed gun purse.
[ Laughter ]
And I said, "I can't do that. Here's why.
My boyfriend passed. I have his photos on this phone.
I can't give you the phone." And he goes, "I don't care.
Give me the --" And in his defense, I did not expect him
to be like, [Sniffles] "Wow, powerful."
[ Laughter ]
"I didn't know. Please. Love is love."
Look, I like to joke about grief.
If you don't want to laugh, I understand.
My boyfriend will haunt you for eternity, but I get it.
[ Laughter ]
He was petty on Earth.
I can't imagine he's less petty as a ghost.
[ Laughter ]
Ghosts are so petty, aren't they?
They could literally kill you, but instead they're just like,
"What if I turned the lights off?"
[ Laughter ]
"And then back on. Ah!"
[ Laughter ]
Picture frame.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
I'm in a gay widows support group.
It's very funny. It is.
It's me and about 15 other 70- to 95-year-old
elderly Jewish gay men,
and I have never had more sex in my life.
[ Laughter ] It's very easy, yeah.
I'm a gay club 7 but a widow support group 12, I think.
[ Laughter ] I might be the hottest person
that's ever been to the Chabad Senior Center of Brooklyn.
[ Laughter ]
I'm actually -- I'm in three grief groups, but really nothing
is more helpful for my grief than doing this
because you guys can't talk.
[ Laughter ]
If you don't know the five stages of grief, it's denial,
bargaining, anger,
microphone, "Seth Meyers."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah.
You know, I hate condolences, especially this one.
"He's in a better place." Don't say that.
He was a gay man living in New York City
with a hot boyfriend almost half his age.
I mean, how good is heaven really?
[ Laughter and applause ]
What are we talking about here?!
Okay. Now, this is funny.
The doctors actually think the diabetes was triggered by grief.
And grief is isolating, and it's lonely.
But I did not expect my own pancreas to be like,
"Girl, I gotta go."
[ Laughter ] Oh, my God.
How does one person do so much Adderall
but still lose so many phone chargers?
It doesn't make sense.
[ Laughter ]
You know, I have this because of him, and it's here with me
at all times, so I like to think of this thing as Jonathan.
And when we were together, people would always call me
a gold digger and him my sugar daddy.
But now that he literally is my glucose monitor...
[ Laughter ]
I'm Sam Morrison. Thank you so much.
[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you.
-Sam Morrison, everybody.
"Sugar Daddy" is playing at the SoHo Playhouse
in New York City through February 17th.
We'll be right back.