BRITTANY (IC): Hush, my darling Biff. You needn't move.
The poison will move slower in unstirred blood.
Rest with me until we can secure Ellowyn. Her spells as a cleric can heal you.
WILL: Yeah. It's all good.
BRITTANY (IC): It was very brave of you to volunteer to open the chest, my dearest love.
WILL: I was bored.
BRITTANY (IC): Regardless, it was a selfless act.
Your courage, your generous nature . . .
You remind me every day of why I entrusted you with my heart.
WILL: Oh, yeah?
BRITTANY (IC): Yes. Biff, every day.
SHANE: Check!
WILL: Oh, shit! [grunts]
THEME: "Days Into Night" by Sweet Mother Logic
ARTHUR: You're still having trouble with Brittany, aren't you?
[laughs] I told you, man--
WILL: No no no no. No, no. You say one word about "relationship dynamics"
and I will bleach your coffee.
ARTHUR: I just-- [sighs] I just don't understand why you guys still have to be lovers in the game.
Right? I just like-- it's unnecessarily awkward.
WILL: I know, right? [laugh]
But "the love of an elf lasts forever," or something. I dunno.
She's really dedicated to her character.
I don't mind the in-game stuff. I just . . . want to patch things up between us, you know?
ARTHUR: What, you still want to go out with her?
WILL: I'd settle for her actually just talking to me. We used to be friends.
ARTHUR: Okay, so, show her that you care.
Right? What are her interests?
WILL: I dunno. Roleplaying. LARPing.
ARTHUR: Just . . . just start taking the game more seriously.
Okay? I mean, you gotta give her a reason to like you again.
WILL: Hm.
ARTHUR: I'm just glad it's not me in this mess.
WILL: Well, it couldn't be YOU. I mean, if you're attracted to anybody, it's Noctus.
And that's like, masturbation. [laughs]
ARTHUR: [laughs] Noctus is not my type.
WILL: Oh, no no, of course not. I mean, you wouldn't be attracted to your DEAD character,
right? Because you're not a necrophile.
ARTHUR: Ah. Very funny. Asshole. [laughs]
WILL: What happened to that guy you were, uh, seeing, anyway?
He seemed pretty chill.
ARTHUR: Who?
Jay.
WILL: Yeah.
ARTHUR: Um, I dunno.
I broke it off with him . . . he was great, I just-- he wasn't the one.
WILL: What, you can tell that after like, two dates?
You're going to be single forever if you can't commit to something, you know what I mean?
LANCE: You listen to me, boy. Don't you be sad about being single.
Loving someone is like signing up for a constant reminder of everything you've ever done wrong.
Look at me.
LOOK AT ME!
I wake up every night screaming like a little girl, but at least I wake up alone.
Someone you love?
They don't deserve your life when it's a sinking ship of blood and sacrifice.
Y'know what you need?
You need more cinnamon.
Get him the angel cake scones.
WILL: You got it, boss.
[sighs] 'Kay.
ARTHUR: Anyway, um, it's just--
When it's right, I'll know, y'know?
It'll just, kinda, click.
WILL: I guess. Huh. Think your instincts are that good?
ARTHUR: Yeah. I know they are.
WILL: Huh, 'kay.
LANCE: WILL! SCONES!
WILL: Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup. Down here.
ARTHUR (IC): Gotcha! I can smell a thief a mile away.
You think you can escape the mighty Porrik?
You're just an innkeeper!
WILL: You're just a musician.
ARTHUR: Will!
EVAN (IC): Please, you've made a mistake!
BRITTANY (IC): Hold your tongue! We found your glasses nearby when the Eleventh Eye
was stolen!
Search him, Astra!
EVAN (IC): Please! I'm not your enemy!
SHANE (IC): If stealing from us doesn't make you our enemy, what does?
EVAN (IC): I can explain.
ARTHUR (IC): You can die! Hah!
WILL: Damn.
BRITTANY (IC): No. He's right.
Everyone who seeks to take the Eleventh Eye must be slain.
ARTHUR (IC): [laughs] Finally. I've been waiting for this!
[more laughter] I don't know why you took the Eye, innkeeper, but now you pay!
Nothing escapes the eagle eye--
WILL: Of a classically trained hurdy-gurdy player?
KAT (IC): Wait, I got it! I can do something!
Compel Truth!
EVAN: [grunt of pain]
WILL: Kat, he's like, right there.
KAT: Sorry, I got excited! You can ask him questions now, I guess. . . .
EVAN: Ow.
SHANE (IC): Did you steal the Eleventh Eye from us, Jeeves?
EVAN (IC): No!
ARTHUR (IC): What?
SHANE (IC): How did you get it, then?
EVAN (IC): I retrieved it from the orc who stole it from you!
ARTHUR (IC): Ah-hah! So you ARE a thief!
You're just not a thief who-- who stole from us! Let's kill him.
BRITTANY (IC): Why did you not return the orb immediately?
EVAN (IC): I wanted a chance to study it, so that I could learn how to destroy it.
KAT (IC): Destroy the Eleventh Eye? Why?
EVAN (IC): You're a cleric. You know of gods.
The ultimate forces of good and evil, their whims shape our world, but--
-- ultimately, at their core, they still care about the mortals who worship and fear them.
The Eleventh Eye has no such qualms.
It's whispered that it exists across time and across worlds, waiting for the chance
to grant a wish and exact its price.
It knows nothing of good or evil. It is an artifact of power, indiscriminate and heartless.
When someone uses the Eleventh Eye to change their destiny, even if its wielder thinks
only of good, innocents by the score fall.
It recently slew my son.
If it were to be recharged, who knows who could die next?
I mean you no harm. If you must guard the Eleventh Eye, do so.
I merely implore you never to use it again.
BRITTANY (IC): His motives were true.
He must be free to go.
EVAN (IC): Thank you.
And especially you, Lady, uh--
KAT (IC): Ellowyn. You're most welcome, Master Jeeves.
I'm just glad we got it all sorted out.
WILL: Wait. One more thing.
What are you? Aren't you just, like, an innkeeper?
EVAN (IC): I was an innkeeper, once. But not always.
WILL: Oooh. Upgraded to recurring NPC with a mysterious past! You must be so proud!
KAT (IC): I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interfere.
SHANE (IC): Don't be. You saved an innocent man.
EVAN: Check!
Okay. Uh, I think now's as good a time to end, if that's okay with all of you?
WILL: Yeah.
KAT: I am so sorry, Evan. I didn't mean to.
EVAN: Occupational hazard.
KAT: Still, though.
Actually, do you have some time? I have a few questions.
EVAN: Sure. Uh, we could do it now, if you're not busy with anything?
KAT: Yeah. Let's just go somewhere where we won't get eaten alive.
EVAN: Yeah.
KAT: Okay!
BRITTANY: Well, at least we got the Eleventh Eye back!
ARTHUR: Yeah, but we probably should've killed Jeeves if he wants to destroy it.
BRITTANY: I don't understand why you want to kill a sweet, dorky bartender.
WILL: With a mysterious past!
SHANE: He was innocent. There was no reason to harm him.
WILL: Oh, except that time that we, like, burned his inn down a few months ago.
SHANE: Okay, I paid him for that!
ARTHUR: It's true. It's just, look, if I'm stuck playing Porrik I kinda want to up his
body count, you know?
KAT: So, what's the best way to kill you?
EVAN: You want to kill me?
KAT: Well, I've got this big-ass hammer. I'm not going to be any good at the game until
I use it properly.
EVAN: The game's not really about killing.
KAT: Right.
ARTHUR: I mean, Noctus killed like, 31 NPCs. That's roleplaying.
BRITTANY: Yeah, but he was trained by ninja assassins. Porrik doesn't have to have the same goals.
SHANE: Yeah. What's Porrik's backstory like?
ARTHUR: [sighs] I dunno.
Haven't really given it too much thought.
SHANE: Why? What's wrong?
EVAN: From a story standpoint, you can't do anything wrong.
That's the beauty of it. You can't make any mistakes.
KAT: I beaned you in the face, like, ten minutes ago.
EVAN: Okay, almost no mistakes. But you can't screw up the GAME, Kat.
KAT: [laughs] I'm pretty sure I fail spectacularly.
EVAN: No. Whatever your character does adds to the story.
Some of the best moments in gaming come from failure.
ARTHUR: I just figure I'll lose him eventually, so . . .
BRITTANY AND SHANE: So?
ARTHUR: So why waste my time on something that's not gonna last?
WILL: I hear that, buddy.
ARTHUR: Thanks, bro.
KAT: So what's LARP about if not killing bad guys?
EVAN: Well, it's about having fun. Different people have fun in different ways.
KAT: Like what?
EVAN: Well, some people enjoy beating up the bad guys, sure.
Others like exploring their characters, and some people enjoy outwitting the Game Master.
And some people play because their friends do.
KAT: Like Phil.
EVAN: Phil?
KAT: Uh, Will, sorry. What about you? Why do you play, smart guy?
EVAN: I play for the story.
I like not knowing what's going to happen next. I want to find out how the story ends.
KAT: You're the GM. Don't you decide what happens all the time?
EVAN: No, my players do that.
In fact, sometimes if feels I have very little control at all . . .
. . . but it's exciting when you don't know what your players are up to.
BRITTANY: It's nice to have you around more often outside of game.
Especially nowadays, with Will and all.
SHANE: Of course.
BRITTANY: You know, you're always welcome.
Hey, and Kat, too! We should go see a movie, are you working tonight?
SHANE: Um, I should, but, uh . . . know what? No!
I'd love to go.
I can work any old time, right?
BRITTANY: Nice!
KAT: [grunts with each strike]
[panting] I'm gonna get the hang of this if it kills me.
EVAN: Ellowyn's a healer. You can let the others do the fighting for you. There's no rush.
KAT: I haven't backed down from a challenge yet.
We're not leaving until I score a hit on you.
EVAN: Fair enough.
KAT: And don't you dare hold back.
EVAN: I never do.
KAT: What the hell is that?!
EVAN: Clever, but Shane's the tricky one, not you.
KAT: We'll see about that.
KAT: Nnnyagh!
Gotcha! [panting laughter]