>> Stephen: WELCOME TO" THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THANK YOU.
LOVELY PEOPLE.
ABSOLUTELY LOVELY PEOPLE.
HOW IS EVERYBODY'S MARCH MADNESS DOING?
IT CONTINUES TOMORROW NIGHT AND FRIDAY ON CBS.
RIGHT?
AM I RIGHT ABOUT THAT?
YEAH.
EVERYBODY'S BRACKETS OKAY?
YEAH.
>> Jon: BRACKETED UP.
>> Stephen: HOW ARE EVERYBODY'S BUCKETS?
I'LL EXPLAIN THAT IN A MOMENT, YOU SEE, FOR WEEKS NOW,
REPUBLICANS HAVE BEEN BUSHING THEIR OBAMACARE REPLACEMENT
PLAN.
>> Audience: BOO!
>> Stephen: BUT THE BILL HAS A PREEXISTING CONDITION:
EVERYBODY HATES IT!
( LAUGHTER ) I THINK THOSE WERE REPUBLICANS
BOOING.
BECAUSE REPUBLICANS HAVE BEEN SCRAMBLING TO SELL THIS THING
EVER SINCE THE C.B.O. REPORT CAME OUT THAT SAID THAT
TRUMPCARE WOULD KICK 24 MILLION PEOPLE OFF OF INSURANCE.
SO NOW THEY'RE REBRANDING.
THEY'RE INTRODUCING THE "THREE-BUCKET STRATEGY," OKAY.
THREE BUCKETS IS WHAT THEY'RE CALLING IT, OKAY.
SO NO HEALTH CARE, BUT WITH ALL THOSE BUCKETS, THINK OF HOW MUCH
YOU'LL SAVE ON URNS.
( LAUGHTER ) MAYBE, MAYBE.
>> Jon: WOW.
YOU COULD.
>> Stephen: SHORE, POUR GRANDMA RIGHT IN THE BUCKET.
>> Jon: WATCH OUT!
>> Stephen: MAYBE IT'S NOT LITERAL BUCKETS, YOU KNOW, SINCE
SO MANY PEOPLE ARE LOSING HEALTH CARE, THEY'RE JUST SAYING,
"QUICK, DO THE FIRST THREE THINGS ON YOUR BUCKET LIST."
AND HIS FAILING HEALTH CARE BILL ISN'T TRUMP'S ONLY PROBLEM.
LAST WEEK, TWO FEDERAL JUDGES RULED AGAINST TRUMP'S SECOND
TRAVEL BAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND APPARENTLY, APPARENTLY--
APPARENTLY WHEN DONALD TRUMP HEARD ABOUT THE RULING, HE WAS
UPSET.
SO, THIS IS TRUE, "WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS TRIED TO CHEATER
PRESIDENT UP BY SHOWING HIM A SEGMENT ON GRETA VAN SUSTEREN'S
SHOW WHICH ARGUED THE SUPREME COURT WOULD NEVER UPHOLD THE
RULING."
OKAY.
THEY TREAT THE PRESIDENT THE SAME WAY YOU TREAT A
FIVE-YEAR-OLD THROWING A TANTRUM.
"HONEY, HONEY, CALM DOWN.
LOOK, LOOK, WE GOT 'FROZEN'.
WE GOT THE CD FOR 'FROZEN'.
LET'S PUT IT IN THERE.
NOW PLEASE ♪ LET IT GO ♪
( APPLAUSE ) BUT IF POSITIVE COVERAGE HELPS
CALM DOWN THE BIG ANGRY MAN WITH THE LAUNCH CODES, I SAY DO IT.
I WANT TO HELP.
THAT'S WHY I HAD "THE LATE SHOW'S" IN-HOUSE NEWS TEAM,
"REAL NEWS TONIGHT," MAKE A NEW REPORT THAT THE WHITE HOUSE
CAN PLAY AT ANY TIME.
>> WELCOME TO REAL NEWS TONIGHT.
I'M JILL NEWSLADY.
>> AND I'M JIM ANKOTON.
>> THE RADICAL TERRORIST HAD SECRETLY TEAMED UP WITH THE
SO-CALLED JUDGES WHO STOPPED TRUMP'S BIGLEY SAFE TRAVEL BAN.
THE PRESIDENT USED HIS IMPRESSIVELY SIZED HANDS TO SWAT
THE BOMBS OUT OF BAD GUY'S COMPARATIVELY SMALLER HANDS AND
UNLEASHED A DEEP, MASCULINE YELL THAT MADE THEM SCARED-- TOO
SCARED TO BE JUDGES AND TERRORISTS.
>> WHEN I LOOK AT THOSE HANDS, JIM, I OVULATE.
>> WOULD IF I COULD, JILL.
>> COMING UP AFTER THE BREAK, THIS SPLING'S HOTTEST LOOK IS A
GIANT RED TIE HELD TOGETHER WITH SCOTCH TAPE.
>> Stephen: THANKS, GUYS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.
>> Stephen: BUT, YOU KNOW, I TALK TOO MUCH ABOUT DONALD
TRUMP.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
I TALK ABOUT HIM EVERY NIGHT, AND IT MAKES ME MISS OUT ON SOME
OTHER ASPECTS OF MY LIFE.
THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER THINGS TO TALK ABOUT.
LIKE I HAVE NOT BEEN TALKING TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING CALLED "THE
FAT LEONARD MILITARY SEX SCANDAL," NOT BECAUSE I DIDN'T
WANT TO.
IT'S BECAUSE I JUST HEARD THERE WAS SOMETHING CALLED THE FAT
LEONARD MILITARY SEX SCANDAL.
YOU GUYS HEARD ABOUT THIS?
ANOTHER I DIDN'T.
IT CENTERS AROUND A SIX FOOT, 350-POUND MALAYSIAN DEFENSE
CONTRACTOR KNOWN AS FAT LEONARD.
IN EXCHANGE FOR CLASSIFIED INFORMATION, FAT LEONARD TREATED
U.S. NAVAL OFFICERS TO DECADENT ORGIES IN MANILA INCLUDING, OF
COURSE, THE CAROUSEL OF PROSTITUTES IS THE MOST POPULAR
RIDE AT PROSTITUTE WORLD.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT AND I THINK THE
TILT-A-HOOKER.
( LAUGHTER ) REMEMBER, YOU MUST BE THIS TALL
TO RIDE THE HOOKER.
( LAUGHTER ) AT ONE PARTY THAT FAT LEONARD
THROUGH, "A GROUP DRANK THE HOTEL'S ENTIRE SUPPLY THE DOM
PERIGNON CHAMPAGNE AT WHICH POINT THEY HAD TO CHANGE TO
MOET-- THE BEER OF CHAMPAGNES.
BUT THEY DID USE SOME OF THEIR TIME TO BONE UP ON THEIR
MILITARY HISTORY BECAUSE DURING ANOTHER SEX PARTY, IN THE
McCARTHY SUITE OF THE MANILA HOTEL, HISTORICAL MEMORABILIA
RELATED TO GENERAL DOUGLAS MacARTHUR WERE USED BY THE
PARTICIPANTS IN SEXUAL ACTS.
YES, IT'S TRUE.
AND I CERTAINLY HOPE THEY RINSED OFF THAT CORN COB PIPE.
>> Jon: OH!
OH!
>> Stephen: WASN'T THAT FUN?
DISHING ABOUT FAT LEONARD AND THE HORNY OLD NAVY GUYS.
SO WHY IN GOD'S NAME DID I ONLY HEAR ABOUT IT NOW?
I MEAN, WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO US AS A NATION?
WE LET OURSELVES, DISTRACTED BY TRUMP'S PHONY WIRETAP CLAIMS AND
TWO PAGES OF HIS 12-YEAR-OLD TAX RETURNS WHEN I COULD HAVE BEEN
MAKING JOKE JOKES ABOUT REAR ADM AND THEIR SEMEN IN MANILA
FILL-A-PENIS.
THAT'S WHAT I I'M MISSISSIPPIINGUTE.
THAT'S WHY I GOT INTO THIS GAME.
DAMN YOU, DONALD TRUMP.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
GLENN CLOSE IS HERE, BUT WHEN I RETURN I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT KID
ROCK IS SHOOTING NOW.