Since the Mueller report was released six weeks ago,
everyone has shared their opinion
on what they think it means.
According to President Trump, it's total exoneration.
According to the Democrats, it's the road to impeachment.
And according to the fortune cookie I got last night,
the lucky numbers are six, 14, which I think means
Trump is gonna get impeached mid-June, maybe? Yeah?
Either way, everyone has weighed in
on the Mueller report.
Everyone except Robert Mueller.
Since the report came out, we haven't heard from him.
In fact, you realize we haven't heard from him ever.
Think about it. This guy was in the news for two years
and never said a word.
We don't even know what he sounds like. Yeah.
For all we know, Robert Mueller could talk like a Minion.
We don't know.
Yeah. He could come out and just be like...
(speaking gibberish)
"No Russia. Collusion."
(laughs)
We don't know.
So that's why... that's why earlier today
it it was such big news when out of nowhere,
Robert Mueller announced that he would be making a statement
on camera live at 11:00 a.m.,
which is a good time because The Bachelorette isn't on.
And nobody knew what the statement would be about,
which meant that cable news had an hour
to go into wild speculation mode.
The big question is what exactly will he address.
Will he get into the substance of the report?
NEWSMAN: Will he contradict the attorney general?
Will he defend the investigators?
Will he say anything about Congress?
Will Robert Mueller only talk about part one
of the Mueller report and not part two?
Will he resign?
Will he rebut depictions of his report?
Will he address his public testimony?
"Or will he bring charges?
"Or will he bring sexy back?
"Or will he tell us
he's replacing Adam Levine on The Voice?"
Uh, or will the news just wait for a goddamn hour
to see what Robert Mueller actually says?
I don't understand. I will never understand
why cable news is so obsessed with predicting something
that we're all gonna find out anyway.
Like, all of these people on the news
would make the worst Planet Earth narrators ever.
Yeah. No, 'cause David Attenborough,
he doesn't predict. He just tells you what's going on.
That's what makes it good. He's like,
"The lion crouches in the tall grass,
her prey blissfully unaware of her presence."
If cable news had that job, nature shows would suck.
It would be chaos.
They'd be like, "The lion is about to attack.
"Will it work? Will the gazelle get away?
"Will the buffalo stampede completely screw everything up?
"I think there's a chance
"that the gazelle might even eat the lion.
"We don't know what's gonna happen here.
This is madness. We're trying to figure this out."
(applause)
So, after an hour, an hour of cable news
trying to Magic 8 Ball Mueller's press conference,
finally, the man himself, the myth, the legend
stepped up to the podium
and he said what he came to say.
I'm speaking out today because our investigation is complete.
I'll make a few remarks about the results of our work.
Russian intelligence officers
who are part of the Russian military
launched a concerted attack on our political system.
There were multiple systematic efforts
to interfere in our election.
And that allegation deserves the attention
of every American.
Okay. He says every American
needs to pay attention to Russian muddling,
but he's really talking to one particular American.
No, 'cause let's face it.
Trump is the only one that matters.
I-I don't think Mueller is going on TV
because he's worried that Phil from Quiznos
isn't taking America's election seriously enough.
Yeah, Phil's got enough on his plate
securing the Quiznos bathroom, okay?
It's for customers only.
It says right there on the door, people.
I told them, Phil. I told them.
But let's be honest. Like, no one tuned in
to hear Mueller talk about the Russians, right?
People tuned in to hear if Robert Mueller thinks
that the president obstructed justice or not.
And the answer was a resounding...
(mumbling)
Under long-standing department policy,
a present president cannot be charged with a federal crime
while he is in office.
That is unconstitutional.
Charging the president with a crime
was therefore not an option we could consider.
If we had had confidence
that the president clearly did not commit a crime,
we would have said so.
Wait, what?
"If Trump didn't commit a crime,
we would have said so"?
So Trump did commit a crime?
Or did he just not not commit a crime?
Like, Robert Mueller, why don't you just speak English, huh?
Even Yoda would be like, "Mm, report confusing you make."
What is this?
Like, the press conference was so confusing.
My-- Like, Mueller might as well just have come out and said,
"Okay, you have a chicken and a fox and a boat,
and on the other side is obstruction, okay?"
And, look, and, look,
the way Mueller phrased this information was confusing.
But most people agree that the underlying message was clear.
Right? He said what he said. It was just hidden.
Like, imagine you're about to have sex with someone
and you ask them, "Hey, do you have herpes?"
And their response is, "Well, if I had confidence
"that I did not have herpes,
I would have said so."
You'd be like, "Okay,
this (bleep) has herpes."
That's what happened here.
So, for now,
Robert Mueller refuses to just come out
and say that the president has obstruction herpes.
And if you were hoping that Congress could force him
to say it out loud, my friends,
you are fresh out of luck there, too.
Now, I hope and expect this to be the only time
that I will speak to you in this manner.
There has been discussion about an appearance before Congress.
Any testimony from this office would not go beyond our report.
So, beyond what I have said here today
and what is contained in our written work,
I do not believe it is appropriate for me
to speak further about the investigation
or to comment on the actions
of the Justice Department or Congress.
"Mm. I don't have anything more to say
and I'm leaving."
See, that there, my friends, is the conviction of a man
who has booked a nonrefundable vacation.
He's not gonna let Congress screw it up.
And, look, even though Mueller dropped a major hint,
many people weren't satisfied with how little he said today.
But I'll be honest-- I don't think
anyone's gonna shake this guy.
And I know this,
because I sent our correspondents
to the press conference to try and find out more.
On these few remarks, it is important
that the office's written work speak for itself.
Mueller, ain't nobody about to read that long-ass report.
Just tell us. Is Trump guilty or not?
We are not commenting on the guilt or the innocence
of any specific defendant.
Hell you ain't.
Every defendant is presumed innocent
-unless... -Forget all that. There's got to be something
on Trump in that folder. I want to see...
-The indictments allege, -Oh, okay.
-and the other activities in our report -That's what's up, fam.
-describe, efforts to interfere -I'll catch you later on.
-in our political system. -Just give me the folder!
-They needed to be investigated -Just-- Ronny!
-and understood. -Get him from the other side, Ronny.
-I got it, man. (grunts) -And that is among the reasons why
the Department of Justice established our office.
That guy doesn't mess around.