A child dies by suicide.
An individual is struggling with self-worth
because of previous abuse.
A parent's heart is breaking as they
watch a child lose confidence because of a learning disorder.
After a divorce, a mother is terrified about the future.
Some individuals are more often acquainted
with these types of stories than others.
But aren't we all impacted by life's situations?
We all have people who are close to us
who struggle at different points in their life
and are left vulnerable.
We may be a friend, a church leader, a neighbor, a family
friend, a coworker, but we're all
placed in situations to help.
And we often have a desire to help
but are not sure what to do.
Most of life's situations are complex.
There are not bumper sticker solutions
to the complex challenges we experience in mortality.
We could say that many of life's challenges
are chronic, not acute.
However, when someone expresses a vulnerability,
a struggle, a challenge, there is a desire to help.
And we often offer our best solution.
This can come in the form of a resource, advice,
or experience when we dealt with something similar.
Although I believe strongly in effective resources
and good advice, if the timing is wrong
or if the advice is stated as a cure-all,
it can feel trite or even hurtful.
Many if not most of the challenges in life are ongoing.
There is often not a simple, quick fix.
Therefore, how can we help?
In the Book of Mormon, there is a phrase
that has stuck with me.
There is an invitation for a group
of people to enter into a covenant with God
and be baptized.
In the explanation of the covenant that is made,
it states, "willing to mourn with those that mourn."
What is the difference between "mourning with" and "mourning
for"?
To me it seems that there's a built-in understanding
that "mourning with" implies a journey, that we covenant
to walk the path alongside, to listen,
to show love, compassion, and kindness.
To me, this covenant reminds me I
don't have to have all the right answers or resources.
I can simply be available.
When an individual is experiencing tragedy
or is working through difficult feelings, behaviors, moods,
thoughts, it may be a time to "mourn
with" them as opposed to doing something "for" them.
Helping and serving others with an immediate need
should not be diminished, but it is also
important to recognize there are times to sit with, listen
to, and validate what someone is feeling rather than giving
advice or a resource.
There are times to recognize it can
be most helpful to mourn with someone
rather than mourning for them.
Even interventions that are helpful and useful
can hurt if the timing or tone are off.
When someone is sharing a complex personal struggle,
we might feel the need to give a solution.
"Read this," "Do that," "Stop with this."
The reason this can feel tricky is because the solution might
even be accurate and helpful.
Yet if the wrong time or the wrong tone,
this piece of advice can feel hurtful.
Timing matters.
If someone is sharing a vulnerability,
it can be a healing thing for them
to have you actively listen.
Genuinely try to connect with them,
or sincerely try to remember a time you felt
a similar emotion in your life.
In fact, thanking them that they told you
and acknowledging you don't know what to say
can be more healing than almost anything else you can do.
Think of the most vulnerable moment in your life.
Take a moment to do that.
OK, you have it?
Think of those emotions you were feeling.
Think about expressing that for the very first time
to another person, and they hand you a manual
and say, "Look in chapter 3."
Chapter 3 might have great advice,
but the timing could have been off.
So again, timing matters.
Tone also matters.
If someone is sharing a vulnerability with you,
genuinely try to connect with how they are feeling.
Human relationships should not be mechanical.
When someone opens up about a vulnerability,
they're probably aware of the solution but fear doing it.
I have always been very touched by the scripture "Jesus wept."
In this story, Mary and Martha are mourning the loss
of their brother, Lazarus.
Mary expresses a sentiment that if Jesus had been there,
then this death would not have happened.
The moment is touching.
I am touched that it appears that Jesus
wept in part because Mary and Martha were weeping.
He was present with them.
In my work, I come across vulnerable experiences often.
Consider the following situations as examples,
and listen for the difference in approach.
Example one, here's the vulnerability.
Someone says, "I don't know what has happened to me.
The dentist gave me some painkillers six months ago,
and I can't fully explain it, but I
think I have a drug problem."
Response: "You should stop taking drugs illegally."
Or "My church offers a 12-step program; you should go there."
Again, this might be wonderful advice.
But the timing feels condescending.
Often the person will want to close up.
In most instances of which I'm aware,
the person knows what he or she needs to do or not do
but is terrified about the situation.
In many cases, individuals know principles and doctrine
that have been taught that would apply in their situation,
but the situation feels overwhelming.
Compare that example with the following,
and imagine the emotion you might feel
if you were the one sharing.
The person expresses the vulnerability.
"I don't know what has happened to me.
The dentist gave me some painkillers six months ago,
and I can't fully explain it, but I
think I have a drug problem."
Response: "Thank you so much for trusting me enough to tell me.
I'm not sure what to say.
Are you scared?"
Timing and tone can be as healing as a resource
or advice, sometimes more so.
Timing and tone can help us mourn
with those that mourn and not simply mourn
for those that mourn.
Complex problems often require time.
So give it time.
We can sometimes get caught in believing
that "if I do this, then I will immediately get that."
I was touched by a story I heard of a young man who
was wrestling with a very difficult life question.
The young man approached his bishop--his local
congregational leader, with whom he had a wonderful
relationship--to talk about this question.
The bishop had not worked with someone
in this particular situation before.
He continually offered his support,
and at one point in his journey, this good bishop
asked, "What resource can I help you get?"
The young man, who was already well aware of all existing
resources on this matter, said, "Bishop, you're the resource."
The relationship was healing and enabled the bishop
to help the young man come to the ultimate Healer, Jesus
Christ.
A few years ago, I had an experience with my good friend
that taught me a lesson in a very profound way.
My friend and his wife were experiencing some tough times.
This wonderful woman was a young mother of five
and had experienced some health challenges.
One Sunday in the middle of church,
I was informed that when my friend went
home in between church classes to check on his wife,
he found that she had passed away.
I left my meetings and rushed to his house.
Along the way I picked up another close neighbor.
When we arrived, my friend's children were still at church
and had not yet heard the news.
It was determined quickly that my friend wanted his children
to hear the news from him and not from a passing comment
as the news was starting to ripple through the ward
and neighborhood.
Through a series of quick events,
I found myself standing alone with my friend between the time
of learning of his wife's passing
and before his children knew.
He asked me a question that has never left me: "Sheldon, how
do I tell my children that their mother has passed away?"
At that point in my life, I was a licensed counselor.
I had visited with hundreds of individuals who
had experienced grief and loss.
I had taught dozens if not hundreds
of lessons on covenants, God's plan, and faith.
And yet in that moment, I had nothing to say.
We hugged and cried.
He didn't need a scripture, a resource, a pamphlet,
advice in that moment.
He just needed me to be present with him.
I spoke with my friend before this talk.
He told me that I did tell him something that helped,
which shocked me a little bit.
[LAUGHTER] I asked him, "What did I say?"
He reminded me that I said, "There's not
going to be a right way to approach this."
I learned and relearned through this experience--there is
a difference between "mourning with" and "mourning for."
So what's the take-home?
Whatever our sphere of influence,
I hope we can learn to mourn with, walk with, cry with, wait
with, listen with, and not simply
mourn for those around us.
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE]