So I'm married.
I have a wife.
I have a spouse.
She's a woman.
She's a rescue.
(audience laughing)
I don't like that word wife.
Gives me the willies.
So I introduce her as,
my ex-girlfriend.
Pretty much the same thing.
(audience laughing)
You married men might want to try
that at home, especially if you're
tired of living at home.
(audience laughing)
My wife and I just celebrated
32 years of marriage.
(audience cheering)
I earned every bit
of that applause.
(audience laughing)
Apparently now I'm an expert
on marriage.
People ask me, how do you stay
married to the same person for 32
years?
The answer is simple,
I lost complete track of time.
(audience laughing)
It's like this.
Do you ever get your car,
turn the key,
head up your destination.
All of sudden, boom, you're there.
You say, how'd that happened?
(audience laughing)
That's my 32 years of marriage.
(audience laughing)
At least nobody got hurt.
(audience laughing)
But I love my wife dearly.
Lately she's taken to amuse herself
by asking me questions that have
no good answer.
(audience laughing)
Like the other day,
out of the blue,
she says, "what would you
"do without me?"
(audience laughing)
I panicked.
(audience laughing)
I said, I don't know,
maybe make up my own mind once
in a while?
(audience laughing)
Gentlemen that is not
a good answer.
(audience laughing)
A little bit of advice,
put some time into it up front
so you'll be ready when the question
pops up.
Because that's not a good answer.
(audience laughing)
These questions,
I call them spouse traps.
(audience laughing)
Spouse trap.
She tried one on me the other day.
She came back from the gym,
she burst through the door,
she says, "you should have seen
"the hot chick at the gym."
And I'm getting smart.
I said, I'm sorry,
did you say you weren't the only
hot chick at the gym?
(audience cheering)
She said, well played.
(audience laughing)
But the whole time I'm like,
I wonder what the hot chick
at the gym looked like.
(audience laughing)
Can't ask her to go back.
(audience laughing)
Spouse trap.
(audience laughing)
Was in the living room
the other day,
she comes in, she says,
"why do you have that awful look
"on your face?"
I said, my foot's asleep.
She said, "why do you have
"that awful look on your face?"
(audience laughing)
Some of you will get these jokes
on the way home.
(audience laughing)
If you're walking.
(audience laughing)
We were at the breakfast table.
She says, "you never listen to a word
"I say."
I said, that's not true.
I listen to every third word,
to be honest you're not making
any sense.
(audience laughing)
She was complaining the other day,
as wives sometimes do.
She said, "why does
"your dirty underwear always end up
"on the floor."
I said, gravity.
(audience laughing)
This is a good thing.
Believe me, you do not want to live
in a world
where my dirty underwear ends up
on the ceiling.
(audience laughing)
I suppose as complaining goes,
it's pretty mild.
She did after all, phrase it
in the form of a question.
I believe the psychiatrist called
that passive aggressive behavior.
But I'm on to her,
I don't play that game.
Now when she tries that,
I confuse her.
(audience laughing)
Like she'll never tell me outright
to do something.
She won't say for instance, take out
the trash.
No, she'll say something
like, you know,
trash really stinks.
To which I reply,
of course it stinks, it's trash.
(audience laughing)
And if she ever actually does
tell me outright to do something,
I'd just yell at her,
you're not my real mom.
(audience laughing)
She asked me the ultimate spouse
trap question.
She bought a pair of jeans,
she brought them home,
she tried them on.
She said, "do these jeans make
"my butt look big?"
I panicked.
I said, no.
But they make everything else look
small.
(audience laughing)
I should have stopped at no.
(audience laughing)
If I have any marital advice,
it's stop at no.
(audience laughing)