The story you're about to hear
is as old as time itself-
- fifteen years.
It's the story of the greatest heroes the universe has ever seen.
Retold to you from the very beginning, by me.
Who am I? I am a freelancer, voiceover artist
My name is Jason Stephens,
and I am paid by the hour because I kind of sound like Morgan Freeman.
It's a crazy world we live in, but not nearly
as crazy as the one I'm to tell you all about.
Without further ado, I present
Red team and Blue team
were two opposing forces stationed in the same box canyon - Blood Gulch.
No one on either side really knew why.
(Simmons: The only reason that we set up a red base here is because they have a blue base over there.)
They probably should've realized something strange was going on (Shiela: Firing main cannon. New target aquired) (Caboose: Uh-oh.)
when their guy Church got blown up, but didn't die.
I'm a freakin' ghost.
He's not actually a ghost.
We'll get into that later.
The important part is that you understand
these soldiers aren't the pick of the litter.
They are not the crème de la crème.
Over on the Red team, there's a drill sergeant,
(Sarge: Oh boy, I'm gettin' the voices again; didn't mean to hear that.)
a lazy one,
grif: if I say no, can I go back to sleep
a suck-up,
(Simmons: I can hear its gross implification, sir.)
a Spanish speaking robot,
and a pink one.
(Donut: It's lightish red.)
Over on the other side of the canyon,
we have a sarcastic one,
(Church: Yeah, that's my defining quality. Thanks, asshole.)
a ladies man,
(Tucker: Bow chicka bow wow?)
and, a, well, Caboose.
(Caboose: Why don't you just try walking on your hands? Then you could use your feet for high fives...)
Even though they were supposedly at war, both teams talked to the same guy, Vic, on the radio.
(Vic: Amigo! What's going on?)
Every now and then, a freelancer would show up in the canyon.
They're kind of like badass bounty hunters, but not.
Most times when a freelancer showed up, it was bad news. (Caboose: I'm scared)
(Church: Alright, look, she's only bad because she has an evil computer program in her head, okay? Whatever.)
(Church: This isn't even canon. What do I care?)
Church is sensitive about Tex because they used to date.
That evil computer program he mentioned is called omega,
and it makes everyone evil when it jumps into their heads through their helmet.
This happened to everybody in Blood Gulch, but Omega got especially cozy inside the head
of their new medic, Doc.
(Omega: You fools have fallen right into my hands *fake evil laugh*)
In their first truly heroic act, the Reds and Blues stopped that evil, melodramatic computer program.
(Church: Hey, what the hell?)
Then, things got a little weird. They thought they travelled forward in time by a thousand years,
Tucker found an alien sword, then had a baby with an alien, they met a talking bomb named Andy,
Grif's sister showed up, Tex came back, got infected with the evil A.I., flew away, and blew up.
That was the end of their Blood Gulch Chronicles, but the story keeps on going, doesn't it?
The Reds and Blues got reassigned and spread out after that, until a freelancer
agent named Washington, went looking for them.
Breaking with the freelancer mold, Wash was a cool guy. Until later when he was evil.
But before and after that, he was definitely a cool guy.
(Wash: Aw, thanks, big, ominous voice in the sky.)
With this Agent Washington, the Reds and Blues learned all the freelancers were trained by the same organization.
Introducing: Project Freelancer!
They flew around on this cool space ship.
They made super soldiers and named them after states.
They put artificial intelligence fragments in their brains to make them fight like super heroes.
The Reds and Blues finally found out that both teams were being used by that same evil corporation.
They were basically training dummies for those super soldier freelancers.
When they found this out, boy, oh, boy were they mad.
They vowed holy revenge against the evil corporation. *forced laugh*
Just kidding. Actually, they didn't really care at all.
(Church: I don't give a shit about any of this.)
This was around the time when they found out their dude Church was secretly an A.I.
See, not a ghost. Told you so.
Together they took on Project Freelancer, and shut it all down
with a little help from an E.M.P.
(Church: It only affects computers, remember? And I... am a motherfuckin' ghost.)
It killed him.
But there was also a piece of him still alive, a part of that same computer program called epsilon.
Later, also called Church. Because that's not confusing at all.
A freelancer named Agent Carolina seemed like a bad girl at first, but later joined the gang.
She wanted revenge on the Director of Project Freelancer.
(Carolina: Hello, Director.)
(Director: Hello, Agent Carolina.)
They helped to get him - wambo jambo.
After all that smooth jazz, the Reds and Blues crash-landed on a planet called Chorus,
which was in the middle of a terrible civil war.
Both sides of the conflict were being egged on by two mercenaries,
Locus and Felix.
Turns out the mercs were working together to destroy the planet on behalf of another
evil corporation called Charon Industries.
The Reds and Blues made a lot of new friends on Chorus.
(Fed Soldier #1: Why, snowman?)
And, working together with a larger CGI budget, they shut that down too.
*shotgun blast*
But, in a touching moment, Church had to sacrifice himself to save his friends.
(Church: Ain't that a bitch.)
That's the whole story.
(Church: No, it's not! You skipped all the freelancer stuff, and all the stories that happened in epsilon's memory unit,
way before inception came out, I'd like to add.)
(Simmons: And, technically, you re-ordered a lot of the main elements.)
(Sarge: And left out all of Red team's sucessful military operations!)
(Caboose: And where's Freckles and Santa?)
Well, like I said, they pay me hourly and my time's up, kids. Unless you feel like paying the extra.
(*complaints*)
Right. Then that's the whole story. If you want more, watch the damn show yourself. See you later, space cowboys.