WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
TRUMP--
IF YOU PAY ATTENTION,UN THAT DONALD TRUMP AND CONGRESS ARE
FIGHTING.
I WOULD SAY THEY WERE AT EACH OTHER'S THROATS, BUT IT'S HARD
TO FIND THE THROAT UNDER ALL THE OLD-MAN JOWL.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S
♪ OBSTRUCTION JUNCTION: OUR DEMOCRACY DOESN'T FUNCTION.
♪ FLOUTIN' SUBPOENAS 'CUZ EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE ♪
THE HOUSE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE WAS SUPPOSED TO HEAR TESTIMONY
TODAY FROM FORMER WHITE HOUSE COUNSEL AND SMILE-SCHOOL DROPOUT
DON McGAHN.
THEY WANTED TO ASK McGAHN ABOUT THE SECTION IN THE MUELLER
REPORT WHERE McGAHN SAYS TRUMP TRIED TO OBSTRUCT JUSTICE, AND
IT'S A LARGE SECTION, BUT LAST NIGHT, THE WHITE HOUSE BLOCKED
McGAHN FROM TESTIFYING TO CONGRESS.
SO, THEY DON'T GET TO ASK ABOUT OBSTRUCTION BECAUSE THE ALLEGED
OBSTRUCTER OBSTRUCTED THE WITNESS TO HIS OBSTRUCTING
( LAUGHTER )
A MURDER TRIAL AND THE MURDERER STANDING UP AND SAYING, "YOUR
HONOR, THIS MAN CAN'T TESTIFY, I JUST MURDERED HIM.
THEREFORE, I'M INNOCENT?" NOW, IN YESTERDAY'S CHOPPER
TALK, TRUMP EXPLAINED THAT KEEPING McGAHN FROM TESTIFYING
IS NOT ABOUT TRUMP.
>> WHY ARE YOU ASKING DON McGHAN TO DEFY A CONGRESSIONAL
SUBPOENA?
>> WELL, AS I UNDERSTAND IT, THEY ARE DOING THAT FOR THE
OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENCY, FOR FUTURE PRESIDENTS.
>> Stephen: THAT IS OPTIMISTIC
HE THINKS THERE WILL BE FUTURE PRESIDENTS.
( AS TRUMP )
GOING TO GO WITH IVANKA, THEN MAYBE ROBO-MEATLOAF, THEN
MY DEFROSTED HEAD STITCHED ON TO A GORILLA'S BODY.
WE WEAR THE SAME SUIT SIZE."
ONE PERSON WHO WAS NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS WAS HOUSE JUDICIARY
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN JERRY JEFF NADLER, WHO SAID THIS:
>> OUR OPINIONS ARE NOT OPTIONAL.
MR. McGAHN HAS A LEGAL OBLIGATION TO BE HERE FOR THIS
SCHEDULED APPEARANCE.
IF HE DOES NOT IMMEDIATELY CORRECT HIS MISTAKE, THIS
COMMITTEE WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO ENFORCE THE SUBPOENA
AGAINST HIM.
>> Stephen: STERN WORDS...
IF HE DIDN'T DIRECT THEM TO AN EMPTY CHAIR.
( LAUGHTER )
CHAIR.
NOW I'VE GOT SOME SERIOUS QUESTIONS FOR DONALD TRUMP'S
LAY-Z-BOY, BY WHICH I MEAN, HIS SON."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT THERE IS A LITTLE GOOD NEWS ON THE OBSTRUCTION FRONT.
CONGRESS SUBPOENAED TRUMP'S ACCOUNTING FIRM FOR TRUMPS'S
FINANCIAL RECORDS, AND TRUMP SUED HIS OWN ACCOUNTANTS TO KEEP
THEM FROM TURNING ANYTHING OVER, TO CONGRESS, BUT YESTERDAY, A
FEDERAL JUDGE UPHELD THE SUBPOENA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH, THAT IS-- THAT'S BIG.
THAT'S HUGE.
WE ARE FINALLY GETTING THE FINANCIAL RECORDS!
AND I HAVE A STRONG FEELING THAT WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT THAT THE
WHOLE TIME, ERIC WAS JUST A SHELL CORPORATION.
NOTHING THERE.
( LAUGHTER )
HOUSE CLAIM THAT CONGRESS DOES NOT HAVE LEGITIMATE OVERSIGHT,
POINTING TO PRECEDENTS INVOLVING JAMES BUCHANAN,
WARREN G. HARDING, RICHARD NIXON, AND BILL CLINTON.
OR, AS HISTORY WILL REMEMBER THEM, BIZARRO MOUNT
RUSHMORE.
( LAUGHTER )
ROLL BACK THE TIDE OF HISTORY."
NOT EVEN TO 2015?
JUST ROLL IT BACK A LITTLE, AND I'LL NEVER ASK FOR ANYTHING
AGAIN, JUST A...
JUST A...
( APPLAUSE )
>> WE DISAGREE WITH THAT RULING.
IT'S CRAZY.
IT'S TOTALLY THE WRONG DECISION BY, OBVIOUSLY, AN OBAMA
APPOINTED JUDGE.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "YOU CAN'T TRUST AN
OBAMA-APPOINTED JUDGE.
TAKE IT FROM ME, A PUTIN-APPOINTED PRESIDENT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I-- I KNOW.
I-- I KNOW WHAT..." TRUMP PROMISED TO APPEAL THE DECISION.
NOW COMES THE FUN PART.
BECASUE THE CASE IS GOING TO THE D.C. CIRCUIT COURT OF APPEALS,
WHICH IS HEADED BY-- DRUM ROLL PLEASE...
( DRUM ROLL)
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WOW!
I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS-- I DIDN'T KNOW.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING TO BE IN THERE.
THIS-- THIS-- THIS ENVELOPE HAS BEEN IN MY POCKET FOR THREE
YEARS.
YES, IT'S MERRICK GARLAND IS THE WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEW
SEGMENT "OH, SNAP"!
MERRICK GARLAND IS THE JUDGE OBAMA NOMINATEED TO THE SUPREME
COURT IN 2016, ONLY TO HAVE HIS APPOINTMENT SHUT DOWN BY MITCH
McCONNELL.
NOW THAT GUY'S COURT GETS TO RULE ON TRUMP'S FINANCIAL
RECORDS.
AND FOR THE FIRST TIME--
IT'S SWEET, ISN'T IT?
NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2016, HE CAN WAKE UP AND SAY,
"IT'S A GOOD DAY TO BE MERRICK GARLAND."
OH, AND BRACE YOURSELF, SENATOR McCONNELL.
BECAUSE PAYBACK SAY "MITCH."
I'M SURE HE'LL BE EVEN HANDED.
OF COURSE, TRUMP HAS TO BE WORRIED ABOUT THE 2020 ELECTION,
BECAUSE HIS OWN POLLING SHOWS HE TRAILS BIDEN IN PENNSYLVANIA,
WISCONSIN, AND MICHIGAN.
TRUMP WON EACH OF THOSE STATES BY LESS THAN 1% IN 2016.
IF HE CAN'T CATCH UP, HE MIGHT HAVE TO DO SOMETHING DESPERATE
LIKE TRYING TO APPEAL TO CALIFORNIA.
WHAT UP,ICALEE?
SKATEBOARD DOWN TO SEQUOIA?
I DON'T KNOW.
BUT TRUMP IS NOT GIVING UP ON THE RUST BELT JUST YET.
LAST NIGHT HE HELD A RALLY IN PENNSYLVANIA WITH A UNIFYING
MESSAGE OF, "I HATE JOE BIDEN AND SO SHOULD YOU."
>> DON'T FORGET, BIDEN DESERTED YOU.
HE'S NOT FROM PENNSYLVANIA.
I GUESS HE WAS BORN HERE, BUT HE LEFT YOU, FOLKS.
HE LEFT YOU FOR ANOTHER STATE.
HE LEFT YOU FOR ANOTHER STATE, AND HE DIDN'T TAKE CARE OF YOU
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T TAKE CARE OF WHY YOUR JOBS.
>> Stephen: HE IS TECHNICALLY CORRECT.
BIDEN DITCHED HIS HOME STATE OF PENNSYLVANIA WHEN HE WAS 10
YEARS OLD.
"WHAT'S THE MATTER, JOE?
TOO BUSY LOSING THE LAST OF YOUR BABY TEETH TO SAVE
PENNSYLVANIA'S TEXTILE FACTORIES?
COME ON."
TRUMP ALSO TOOK AIM AT ANOTHER ENEMY: LIGHT.
>> YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE SUN IN MY EYES.
IT'S THESE STUPID LIGHTS.
THESE PEOPLE.
I MEAN WHAT ARE THEY-- WHAT ARE THEY DOING?
IS THERE ANY WAY THEY CAN TURN THOSE LIGHTS DOWN, FOLKS?
( APPLAUSE )
YOU'VE GOT A THING CALLED THE SUN.
WE LIKE THE SUN BETTER THAN THE ARTIFICIAL NONSENSE.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "THAT'S WHY I ONLY SPRAY MY FACE
WITH REAL CANNED SUN."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ THE RALLY WAS A FESTIVE EVENT.
PEOPLE EVEN CAME IN COSTUME, AND TRUMP INVITED ONE OF THEM
UP ONSTAGE.
>> GET HIM UP HERE.
COME ON!
LOOK AT THIS GUY.
( CHEERS )
"LOOK AT THIS GUY.
ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE.
NOW, COULD YOU GET, LIKE, A THOUSAND OF YOUR FRIENDS TO
ALL WEAR THE SAME SUIT AND GO STAND IN A LINE AT THE BORDER?
''CAUSE I'M IN A BIT OF A JAM HERE.
LOCK ARMS.
RED RECOVERY, RED RECOVERY, SEND PEDRO RIGHT OVER."
THEN TRUMP BRAGGED ABOUT HIS OTHER CAMPAIGN MOTTO:
>> EVERY DAY WE MAKE GOOD IN OUR MOTTO: PROMISES MADE,
PROMISES KEPT.
WE'VE KEPT MORE PROMISES THAN WE'VE EVEN MADE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: A PROMISE THAT YOU DIDN'T MAKE BUT KEPT IS JUST A
THING THAT HAPPENED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( AS TRUMP )
"LOOK, I KNOW, I NEVER PROMISED 'AVENGERS: ENDGAME' WAS GONNA BE
A HIT, BUT NOW THAT IT IS: PROMISE KEPT."
"YOU'RE WELCOME.
YOU'RE WELCOME, MARVEL."
THANKFULLY, ONE MEMBER OF THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION ACTUALLY
DID SHOW UP IN CONGRESS TODAY, SECRETARY OF HOUSING AND URBAN
DEVELOPMENT AND "SLEEPY TIME TEA" BEAR, BEN CARSON.
( LAUGHTER )
TODAY, IS THAT IN TWO YEARS HE HAS LEARNED NOTHING ABOUT HIS
OWN AGENCY, ESPECIALLY THE OFFICE OF MINORITY WOMEN
INCLUSION, OR OMWI.
ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH OMWIAND WHAT IT IS?
>> AMWHAT.
>> OMWI?
COME ON, MR. SECRETARY, I ASKED YOU THIS WHEN YOU WERE HERE LAST
YEAR, AND YOU ASKED ME TO DO NICE TO YOU.
AND YOU TURNED TO YOUR STAFF, OMWI, AND YOU HAVE AN OMWI
DIRECTOR.
AND WE WROTE YOU A LETTER ABOUT IT AND OM-WI.
>> Stephen: REMEMBER WE PINNED A NOTE TO YOUR SUIT ABOUT OMWI.
THE NOTE ALSO SAID, "HELLO, MY NAME IS BEN AND I AM LOST AND
I'M UNQUALIFIED FOR MY JOB.
THE SECRETARY OF HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT ALSO DID NOT
ABOUT BANK-OWNED FORECLOSED REAL ESTATE, ALSO KNOWN AS REOs.
>> YOU WOULD ALSO LIKE TO YOU GET BACK TO ME IF YOU DON'T MINE
TO EXPLAIN THE DISPARITY IN REO RATE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT AN REO IS.
>> OREO?
>> NO, NOT AN OREO.
>> Stephen: ( AS CARSON ) "IS IT A MINT MILANO?
A DOSEY DOE?
A PECAN SANDIE?
A SNICKERDOODLE?
HELP ME OUT.
I'M NOT A ROCKET SCIENTIST.
I'M ONLY A BRAIN SURGEON."