Improving marriage sexuality, marital sexuality, what an interesting topic. My
name is Paul Friedman. I founded The Marriage Foundation and I'm excited
about this topic because it gives me the ability to convey to people a very big
difference between what marriage is supposed to be and what most people see
marriage as. I'm not going to get into how people see marriage but what I am
going to do is I'm going to ask you a question. I'm going to ask you this question and I
want you to answer it in your mind. The question is, why did you get married in
the first place? Now, usually when I ask people that
question that their first response is, "Oh I fell in love with John" or "I fell in
love with Kathy, the most amazing person I'd ever met," and so on and so forth and
that's not answering the question. The question is, why get married? Then
when people understand that that's the question they have really good answers
like, "Well, that's what you do." I guess I was being a little sarcastic
that's not a great answer, is it? If you think about it signing up for the rest
of your life to be with one person exclusively because it's what you do. No,
there are better answers I've heard them. There's answers like I wanted to be
with someone who will love me and I will love them, soul mate. I want to be sure
that in my old age I'm with someone I want to have a family. I want to watch my
family grow and enjoy all those benefits. Those are good answers and you know what
there's a much better answer, better in terms of it really describes more
accurately why all of us get married. We want to get
married because we want to be happy and then you have to ask
there is a question that comes right after that. You have to ask it. You can't
just ignore. It's one of those questions that's begging to be asked and
that is what will bring you happiness. Now, we're not getting away from the
topic. We're still talking about improving marital sexuality but I'm
going to come at it from a different place so that second question is, what
brings happiness? There is a universal concrete infallible answer. Love,
unconditional love to be more specific. No one isn't completely made happy by
unconditional love. It just does it every time. It's sort of like you put water
outside when it's really cold out. It turns into ice. You could count on it
it's a process. Unconditional love always makes you happy and in fact, most people
who have spent an entire lifetime pursuing other things like wealth or
fame they regret that they didn't pursue love in one form or another and they
talk about it. Now let's talk about improving marital sexuality. Now that
I've laid this foundation, why did you get married? You got married in order to
be happy and I say you should expect happiness from your marriage and you
should expect more happiness from your marriage today than you got yesterday
and the only way to achieve it that is 100% reliable is
unconditional love. So, where the sex come in? Where the sex come into play because
you want to know how to improve it which means that you're missing the point. You
are thinking, "Okay, what Paul says makes a lot of sense," because it does. I mean
let's be honest that's the compound reason for marriage to be happy and to
experience unconditional love. And then you go, "Yeah, but I'm talking about my
marital sexuality. I ain't getting enough." If you're a guy maybe you're saying that
maybe a woman and you're saying that. Maybe your husband is to breathe in your
encounters, maybe your wife is too cold in your encounters, all of these things
that occur during your sexuality if you're even having enough. Our material
things they don't bring up the love and that's the crux of the matter
that's the problem. Now, you can't put the cart before the horse. You can't get love
from sex -- it just doesn't work that way but you can have sex as a result of your
love and that's what you want. You want that love to be a constant in your
marriage. You want the communication to be based on loving connection. You want
your day-to-day interactions to be founded in your love for one another. The
love is the foundation of marriage and you could say, "Well, of a healthy marriage."
And I go, "No, of marriage," because if it doesn't have that foundation
somehow you're off the tracks and you're not
experiencing marriage anymore and I would liken it to primitive people
coming across a parked airplane and they go in and they start building a campfire
in there and cooking their food in there -- that's not an airplane if you're not
going to take off in it and use it to fly.
Marriage isn't really a marriage unless it's based in love, unless the
expectation is happiness and love and is it really marriage. So, what do you need to
do to achieve these outer conditions that drew you to search for this topic
of improving your marital sexuality? Those are all manifestations that you
think you're looking for and they won't bring you happiness. Most people even
when they're married engage in sexual intercourse for
the purpose of either entertainment, recreation, biologically to release
themselves to drop tension to have a need met that you're really liked
although you call it love. It's shallow, it's shallow and what you probably have
been hoping for to have more orgasms or have a more considerate
interaction -- it's not going to bring you happiness. It's fleeting happiness at
best or it's like a drug where you get off. You have your orgasm and then
eventually you're back to the need again and I'm telling you there's a much
better way. The better way is to go back to the root cause of marriage.
The root cause of marriage is unconditional love and happiness that is
expanding every single day of your lives. It's true. Why is this true? It's true
because you are essentially a soul. You have a body and you have a mind but
you're a spiritual being essentially and then with the compound of the mind and
the body it's like a dance between spirit and nature and that's
who you see yourself as and that's how other people see you. Spiritually it's
called the ego, who you are and I don't know what they call it in psych
terms because they don't understand. They don't say you're a soul who has a body
and a mind but you are. And so, these things come into play but the soul is
love -- it's love. You can't touch it. You can't touch love. You know that love is
real -- it's as tangible as anything you've ever experienced in your entire life.
It's more tangible. Think back to when you first got married and you were at
the altar and all of a sudden it was like this, wow, this super powerful surge
of love. You felt it and then you said, "Wow, this is the one." The only people who
don't feel that are intoxicated, everyone else feels it and you want to know
something else. Everyone who went to your wedding felt it and whenever you go to
someone else's wedding you feel it. It's just there it's tangible. It's spiritual,
it's spiritual by definition because your five senses can't detect it. It
can't be measured weight or anything like that and that's who you really are
and that is what needs to be fulfilled. You get married in order to fulfill
that so what's missing and every single marriage that is not perfect and your
marriage can and should be perfect. It's not that hard.
What's missing is this knowledge of how to utilize your free will and your
volition to incorporate those things within you to enhance the happiness and
the love in your marriage -- that's what's missing.
So anyone, you can read dumb articles about jazzing up your sex life or using
toys or whatever and it'll just drain you. It will make your marriage worse
because it distracts you from what is really necessary from what is marriage.
What is marriage? Marriage literally, (okay I came up with this definition) but
marriage is a spiritual path that you are on with another person. They're on it
too but a spiritual path is a very individual thing. You are learning how to
love someone unconditionally because as you give that love to your spouse
that's how you experience love, that's how you experience unconditional love
and you've got to be very careful. I did a lot of research, I did a lot of study
and I've been at this for over 20 years to develop processes that actually work
effectively but efficiently too to achieve the goal of marriage which is
happiness every day, expanding happiness, expanding
love every single day. You're supposed to have that -- it should be an expectation on
your part. And you know what, you live in a bubble. The two of you live in a bubble.
No one's supposed to come in there just the two of you so you look around at
society and I'm sure you have political opinions and you have
social opinions about this and that. You can fix all that and yet your own
marriage which is only two of you in this great society. You need to learn how
to make this a society of love and joy and ever-expanding happiness. It can
be done, it should be done. It's not difficult but you do have to learn how.
So that's it, that is how you improve marital sexuality by improving the
marriage in such a way that the sexual part of it is it the loving part of it.
It's the expression of intimacy part of it and it will be very fulfilling. So I
can give you some tips but honestly, if I just gave you a few tips here and there
it would dissuade you from doing what you really should do and that is going
all in and study. It's very inexpensive to do it, I'm not doing a sales pitch but
take a look at the books that I've written and just look at what other
people have said about those books and you'll understand that it's a
very easy way for you to shift your marriage into a place that you didn't
even think was possible and that's what you want. You don't want to fix things.
You want to make it so it's working -- big difference. All right
blessings to you, blessings to your spouse and blessings to your family. You
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