Film, an art form
appreciated by so many,
but yet understood by
so few.
An art form
that takes you
honestly
from your highest valleys
to your lowest peaks.
And yet
so few can understand
how truly deep it
actually is.
I'm one of those people
that can see that
the deep how deep of this,
which is why
we're going
to put these films
on this Tuesday, has.
Welcome to cinema states
the Criterion Collection
where we take
some of Hollywood's
most coveted
and beloved films
and we put them
on the screen.
That's
we burn them to the ground.
It doesn't matter
how many rotten tomatoes
they got,
it doesn't matter
how many Oscars they got.
There still can be
set on fire.
They're flammable.
Maybe today
we are going to be covering
the 1993 movie
that took the world
by storm.
Amazing reviews,
constantly streaming,
never a bad review
and insight.
And yeah,
we're talking about
the Super Mario brothers.
The Super Mario Brothers.
Yeah,
I know what
you're thinking.
There's no way
Steven can skewer
the Super Mario Brothers
movie in 1993.
It was received so well.
It got so many awards.
Oh, yeah?
Can you stop a bullet
after it's been shot?
I can, but you can't.
This is already undisputed.
I'm sorry.
It's getting skewered.
You can't stop it already.
It's already been
let out of the gate.
Is the top
five things that are wrong
with the Super
Mario Brothers movie.
The number one reason
why the Super
Mario Brothers
movie is unrealistic
is because
the brotherly dynamic.
Okay, in this movie,
Mario helps
Luigi a lot,
yelps Luigi,
get a girlfriend, he's
a wingman.
He trains and be a plumber.
He's doing all kinds
of he's
doing all kinds of stuff
for Luigi.
But here's the thing.
Brothers aren't like that.
I love a brother
like Mario,
but I don't have one.
Instead,
I got my own brother Peter,
who got arrested
for making Dante
in my parents basement.
He's currently
serving time.
Maybe it's good for him.
Maybe he'll change.
But he was
never there for me.
In fact,
instead of
being a wingman, wingman,
he was the opposite
of wingman.
You go around to every girl
that I would talk to
and tell them
I stunk like shit.
And after everything up
for me, for a lot of times
and what they don't know
is that they stole
the copper
wire to my parents
based out of my
parent's house
and he was
he sucked ass at
making Dante
anyways is supposed to make
you see all kinds of stuff.
It didn't make
you see shit,
it turned you blind.
But all identified brothers
aren't like that.
The second reason
why the Super Mario's
brother movies is bad
is that it's too scary.
I'm sorry. It's too scary.
I'm scared shitless
watching this thing.
I had to watch this thing.
I had a blanket
pulled all the way
up to my eyes
because I was so scared
and I
usually when I watch
scary movies,
I cover my eyes
up every whenever
something scary happens.
This movie's supposed to be
about a video game,
supposed to be
about coins in
and little muffins
walking around
with feet and eyes.
And they're supposed to be
colorful cars
driving around.
But guess what?
There's no colors
in this thing at all.
The only color
in this thing is sadness.
It's more like
Silent Hill or Doom
or something.
I played some video games,
okay?
It's not like any
of the cool,
happy, fun
video games
that I have played, like
for families
and kids and stuff,
but all identified.
It's more like
adult video games
that you played
late at night
when you're a freak.
And on that note,
this is the number
three reason
why the Super
Mario Brothers movie
is completely unrealistic.
And that's
because it's not like
the video game at all.
When I'm playing
the video game,
I didn't see
none of these people.
Okay.
And also,
when I was
playing the video game,
I can't ever get it
past the first second
the first couple
of seconds.
Any time
the first thing comes at me
in the video game,
it absolutely demolishes
me and kills me
every single time
and I can never get
past the first part of it.
So yeah,
I have not seen or played
any other part of the game
besides the first
couple of seconds
plot hole identified.
Super Mario Brothers
was not like
the video game at all
because Bauza
was the same guy
from the movie Speed,
and I think I would have
recognized that
the for the reason
why this movie makes
absolutely no sense
and yeah,
this is a bad one is that
Mario is like
John Wick in this movie.
He is a lot like John Wick.
He goes around
beating everyone's ass.
The only training
he has is a plumber.
John Wick was raised
from being a baby
or whatever on the street
to an adult to kill
and assassinate
and take care of people
without issue.
The thing that
doesn't make sense
about this is that
Mario is a hero
and he's kicking
all kinds of ass.
I consider myself
a hero and everywhere
I go, I get my ass beat.
All Country Buffet,
Golden Corral.
One time I got put in in a
in a goddamn triangle
hold by an eight year old
because I said
that Pokemon
was not that cool.
And by the way,
John Wick is the only hero
that that
can kick ass all the time
because that
he's my personal hero.
Plot hole
identified Mario's
too much like John Wick.
He's kicking too much ass.
And heroes get their ass
beat everywhere they go.
Sorry.
Okay, I got
to get serious now.
I got to get serious now
because the number
five reason
why the 1993
Super Mario Brothers
movie is bad
is because they almost
got it right.
They're talking about
lizards underground
with tiny heads
and all that stuff.
But here's the thing.
It's not lizards
that are still alive.
It's dinosaurs.
Dinosaurs are still alive
under the earth.
And I've been doing
research on this
for multiple years.
These dinosaurs are alive.
They're under a
big layer of Earth's crust.
Dinosaurs are under it,
and their heads
are bumping against it
and scratch,
and they're pissed off
down there.
And with something
we need to worry about
when the dinosaurs
die, it's actually so hot
that their bones
are hooked up to the soil
and when they get to
the top, people in museums
pick them up
and they're like,
Oh, we'll get this old
ass bone.
And no, it's not.
It's only old
because it was scratch
and a bunch of soil
going up and it makes it
look old.
So yeah, what I'm saying is
they almost got it right.
They got the
lizard part right,
which is almost a dinosaur
in or newer.
It's a newer dinosaur,
but the original dinosaurs
are under the ground
still alive
and actually,
I'm thinking about
they kind of actually
they're putting this
dinosaur idea on the map.
I mean, no one has
talked about this.
No one's ever gotten close.
I mean, yeah,
there's other lizards,
conspiracies and stuff,
and those aren't good,
but this dinosaur
thing is real.
They're actually doing
everyone a favor
by by
sort of implanting the idea
about the dinosaurs
in the real
by doing the lizard thing.
Now that I'm
thinking about it,
this movie actually
kind of rocks.
This movie's actually good,
I think,
because they are
shedding light
on potential,
this dinosaur issue,
by showing people
lizards instead.
And it's going to make
people prepared
for when the dinosaur
thing becomes real.
They've already
seen it before
in the Super Mario
Brothers movies.
You know what?
We're taking this movie
off the skewer stick,
and now we're getting it.
Five out of five stars.
Okay,
this movie is five
out of five stars, Super
Mario Brothers, 1993.
Amazing film.
And it's
going off the skewers
and it's showing us
shedding light on
how dinosaurs are real.