B:This episode of Death Battle brought to you by Netflix. Go to www.netflix.com/deathbattle for your free trial membership.
*Cues: Invader - Jim Johnston*
W: Capcom has produced hundreds of deadly warriors, but few can best these two hulking leviathans.
B: Haggar, the Mayor-elect of whoop ass...
W: And Zangief, Russia's Red Cyclone.
B: These two wrestlers have never met in person, but their rivalry is legendary and it's about time they duked it out!
W: I'm Wizard, and he's Boomstick and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle!
[Clang!]
B: Standing 6'7 and weighing 266lb, 30 of which is probably in his manly moustache, it's Mike Haggar!
W: For many years, Haggar was a champion wrestler of Slam Masters until being elected mayor of Metro City, a metropolis overrun with street gangs.
B: Too bad there aren't more badasses in office.
Most Mayors would just put up laws against crime or increase the police force, but Mike takes matters into his own hands.
W: Haggar is a former pro American wrestler, specializing in grab holds and quick strikes.
He's of Scottish ancestry and proud of it, even having a Scottish flag on his gym.
It's likely he has also trained in Scottish back hold wrestling which involves bear hugging an opponent and keeping your balance while overpowering theirs.
B: Haggar's got a devastating move set ranging from suplexes, body splashes and his own invention, the Spinning Clothesline Double Lariat, which Zangief stole for his own use.
To even the score, Haggar copied 'Gief's spinning pile driver.
When Haggar isn't overpowering people with his pure manliness, his weapon of choice is a blunt pipe. Hey, he's a mayor that kicks ass and recycles!
Even after his victorious election, Haggar continued his rigorous training...
B: By piledriving sharks!
W: It appears Haggar wrestles bull sharks, one of the deadliest sharks on Earth. These can grow up to 11 feet long and weigh up to 500lb.
Wrestling these proves Haggar's proficiency in the Scottish back hold, as he keeps his balance against the thrashing sharks until he can pile drive them into the beach!
B: Next Jaws movie needs more Haggar!
W: Unfortunately, during his time as Mayor, Haggar was undoubtedly forced to prioritize politics over training.
It's likely he didn't have much time to learn new techniques or train against many other wrestlers.
As a result, he uses moves and skills from an older era.
B: Well, they seem to work pretty damn well.
W: He certainly hasn't lost his touch.
"Mike Haggar, the candidate who puts people first!"
[Clang!]
W: Zangief stands seven feet tall at 350lb, weighing in as one of the strongest on the Street Fighting circuit.
B: And as a testament to his manliness, check out that wicked shin hair!
W: Zangief is a champion wrestler in Russia, using push and pull techniques to throw his opponents off balance.
He also specializes in Sambo, a combination of wrestling and martial arts.
He's not skilled in leg locks and choke holds, but his grappling submissions and ground work are second to none.
B: Zangief's best moves include his Double Lariat, Atomic Suplex, Flying Power Bomb and a wicked backhand called the Banishing Flat, a move Zangief learned specifically to counter projectiles.
Zangief. Hates. Projectiles!
W: His signature move is the Spinning Pile Driver, which he learned after getting caught in a cyclone while piledrving a bear.
B: That is the most awesome thing I've ever heard!
W: Actually, wrestling bears has been Zangief's favorite training exercise since he was a kid.
Supposedly, he wrestles grizzly bears but these are not native to Russia.
It's far more likely he wrestles Ussuri Brown Bears which can weigh up to 1,500lb, well over twice the size of a full grown Grizzly!
B: Holy shit! He piledrived one of those into a tornado?
W: Battling such a massive beast corresponds with his Russian wrestling training perfectly, forcing the bears to lose their balance and knocking them out cold.
Zangief is a loyal Russian through and through, always fighting for his country rather than personal gain.
He is often employed by the Russian president as the country's official fighting representative.
That said, Zangief is pretty dim witted, more a follower than a leader. He fights with instinct rather than reason.
B: All the more reason to get out of his way!
"Mmmph! Me Zangief broke you!"
W: All right, the combatants are set.
B: The unstoppable force against the unmovable Mayor!
W: Let's end this debate once and for all.
B: Wait up, first I gotta pay for my laser guided kitten cannon!
W: Laser what?
B: Thanks to Netflix! Suck it up, you babies, this kitten cannon's important to me! *BOOM! Meow!*
[Clang!]
W: Netflix delivers movies directly to your home saving you time and money.
B: If You can use the mailbox, you can use Netflix.
W: Instantly watch thousands of TV episodes and movies streaming directly to your PC, Mac or TV using a Netflix ready device like the PS3, 360 or Wii.
Plus get DVDs by mail in about 1 business day and as a new member and Death Battle viewer, you can get a free trial membership.
B: That's F R E... eh... Free!
W: Go to netflix.com/deathbattle and sign up now for your free trial membership.
Use this URL, so they know Wiz and Boomstick sent you.
B: Right now, it's time for a DEATH BATTLE!
[Clang!]
*Cues: Intro theme - Saturday Night Slam Masters*
FIGHT!
KO!
B: (Sighs) A great man has fallen today.
W: Haggar and Zangief's similar moveset appeared evenly matched, anticipating each other's moves and countering with their signature attack.
B: He's led a long productive life, kicking ass, ruling Metro City and keeping the beaches safe from rogue sharks.
W: Not only his Zangief almost 100 pounds larger than Haggar, he's also 13 years younger and been training all his life.
B: I'm gonna miss that wonderful moustache!
W: Zangief's youth and lack of political agenda were enough to give him a slight edge.
B: Poor Haggar. He may piledrive sharks, but Zangief's bears were three times larger and probably twice as dangerous.
Sure, Haggar grapple a half-ton shark without falling over, but Zangief can push around 1,500lb bears as a hobby, Haggar didn't stand a chance.
W: He definitely put up a great fight though.
B: That he did. He just found his window of opportunity.
W: The winner is Zangief.
B: Next time on Death Battle...
W: Got an idea for a Death Battle? Leave a comment below. We do read them.
B: Special thanks to AC for the Haggar sprites.
W: Thanks for watching.