BUT BEFORE WE DO TONIGHT'S AGAIN, GREAT SHOW, I REALLY NEED
TO CLEAR THE AIR HERE.
I'M SURE YOU CAN FEEL THAT I'M UPSET.
AND HERE'S WHY: I BELIEVE, THAT IF THERE IS ONE UNIVERSAL TRUTH
IN OUR CHAOTIC, RANDOM UNIVERSE, IT IS THIS: BREAKFAST IS THE
MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IF WE DON'T KNOW THAT, WHAT DO
WE KNOW?
SO I TAKE MINE VERY SERIOUSLY.
I FREQUENTLY START MY MORNING WITH THE AMERICAN CLASSIC KNOWN
AS THE B.L.T. -- B-BACON, L-LETTUCE, T-TOMATO.
LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED -- AND THIS IS TRUE -- I ORDERED A
B.L.T. FOR BREAKFAST FROM A LOCAL DELI, AND I ASKED FOR IT
THE SAME WAY I ALWAYS DO, WITH EXTRA TOMATO.
I FIND TOMATO REALLY COMPLEMENTS THE TASTE OF THE BACON AND THE
NON-TASTE OF THE LETTUCE.
PLUS, TOMATO IS LOADED WITH POTASSIUM, WHICH IS ESSENTIAL
FOR... MY POTASSIUM STUFF.
BUT THIS MORNING'S B.L.T. SHOOK ME TO MY CORE, OR WHAT WOULD BE
MY CORE IF I DID NOT HAVE B.L.T.S FOR BREAKFAST.
I PROMISE YOU, THIS IS TRUE.
JIMMY, CAN WE PUT UP A PICTURE OF THE ME WITH THE ACTUAL B.L.T.
IN QUESTION?
ALL RIGHT, JIMMY, ENHANCE!
THERE IT IS!
I SEE THE B.
I SEE THE L.
BUT WHERE THE HELL IS THE "T?" WHERE IS MY TOMATO?!
THERE ISN'T ANY!
AND A B.L.T. WITHOUT THE "T" IS JUST B.L., IT'S "BLEH!"
(LAUGHTER) AND IF THIS ABOMINATION MEETS
THE STANDARD FOR A B.L.T., THEN WHAT DID WE FIGHT AT LEXINGTON
AND CONCORD FOR?
JUST RIP THE CONSTITUTION OFF THE STATUE OF LIBERTY AND ERASE
THE MAP ON THE BACK, BECAUSE THE AMERICAN EXPERIMENT HAS FAILED!
NO, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO IS OVERREACTING!
(LAUGHTER) I JUST WANT TOMATO ON MY
SANDWICH.
OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I SHOULD BE THE BIGGER MAN HERE.
DESPITE THE TRAUMA I HAVE EXPERIENCED WITH MY SANDWICH,
I'M GOING TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE.
BUT TRUMP ISN'T THE ONLY ONE ACCUSING CRUZ OF BLEEDING RED,
WHITE, AND MAPLE SYRUP.
TODAY, JOHN MCCAIN -- OKAY, I WAS WRONG.
I'M NOT OVER THIS SANDWICH.
(LAUGHTER) JUST BEAR WITH ME.
HOW HARD IS IT?
BACON, LETTUCE, TOMATO.
THE RECIPE IS RIGHT IN THE NAME.
AND YET, LET ME REMIND YOU WHAT MY SANDWICH LOOKED LIKE?
(LAUGHTER) I WAS SO MAD, I HAD IT BLOWN
UP -- YOU KNOW, IN CASE I NEEDED IT FOR THE TRIAL AT THE HAGUE.
(LAUGHTER) HERE'S WHY I CAN'T LET THIS
GO -- THE LACK OF TOMATO ISN'T JUST AN INSULT TO CENTURIES OF
B.L.T. CRAFTSMEN WHO DIED TOASTING BREAD AT GETTYSBURG,
IT'S AN INSULT TO ME PERSONALLY.
WELL, ARE WE GOING TO TAKE THIS?
>> AUDIENCE: NO!
>> Stephen: I DIDN'T THINK SO!
WELL, THIS ENDS NOW!
SOMEONE HAS TO STANDUP FOR WHAT'S RIGHT.
LET'S DO THIS!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) LET'S GO.
COME ON!
LET'S GO.
COME ON.
LET'S DO IT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> HOW ARE YOU?
>> Stephen: GOOD.
HOW ARE YOU?
(RINGING) I'M SORRY.
I WASN'T HONEST.
I'M ANGRY.
HOLD ON A SECOND.
>> HELLO?
I'M DOING FINE.
HOW ARE YOU?
WHAT KIND OF SANDWICH WOULD YOU LIKE?
HOPE YOU DON'T WANT A B.L.T., WE'RE IN A BIT OF A CRISIS NOW.
THANK YOU.
SORRY.
>> THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT.
IS THIS YOUR HANDWRITING?
>> YES, THAT IS.
>> Stephen: WHAT DOES THAT SAY?
>> B.L.T., LITTLE MAYO.
>> Stephen: MM-HMM, B., L. -- WHAT WAS THE LAST ONE?
>> T.
>> Stephen: T.
I WANT TO SHOW YOU A PHOTOGRAPH.
CAN YOU IDENTIFY THE INITIALS ASSOCIATED WITH THE INGREDIENTS
IN THE STAND WITCH.
>> THAT'S THE BACON.
>> Stephen: UH-HUH.
THAT'S THE LETTUCE.
>> Stephen: YEAH WHERE'S THE TOMATO?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: I PAID EQUAL AMOUNT OF MONEY FOR THE
INGREDIENTS.
YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHY I'M ANGRY.
>> WELL, STEPHEN, I'M SORRY.
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY, NO TOMATO ON THE SANDWICH.
LET'S GOAT ONE OTHER THING WHILE WE'RE AT IT.
IT SAYS LITTLE MAYO RIGHT HERE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WHY DID YOU WRITE THAT DOWN?
>> BECAUSE I WAS INSTRUCTED TO.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
WOULD YOU COME HERE, PLEASE?
THIS IS MY ASSISTANCE JESSICA.
RUPERT, THIS IS JESSICA.
IT'S OKAY.
WE'RE ALL FRIENDS.
JESSICA, DID YOU TELL HIM LITTLE MAYO?
>> I DID.
>> Stephen: OKAY, YOU CAN GO.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS LATER.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL DEAL WITH HER.
BUT LEGALLY, I CAN'T DOCK YOUR PAY BECAUSE I THINK YOU WORK FOR
THE CITY, RIGHT?
THIS IS THE STREETS AND SANITATION.
OKAY?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: CAN I TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE WHILE I'VE
GOT YOU SNEENCHTS YES.
>> Stephen: THE COLBERT SANDWICH, CHICKEN CUTLET,
CHEESE, L.T., WHAT IS L.T.?
>> LETTUCE TOMATO.
>> Stephen: THAT IS MEANINGLESS AS WE KNOW AT THIS
POINT.
THREE PEPPERS, MAYO ON A HERE O.
WHAT ABOUT THOSE INGREDIENTS REMINDED YOU OF ME?
>> WELL, ACTUALLY, IT WAS THE FORMER PAUL SHAFFER.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE APPROPRIATE FOR YOU.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME THAT REMINDS YOU OF PAUL
SHAFFER?
>> NOTHING.
>> Stephen: IT'S RANDOM, ANY THREE INGREDIENTS AND THROW IT
ON A BUN.
CHICKEN CUTLET, HALF A TRUCK TIRE AND GRAVEL.
>> WELL -- >> Stephen: IT MEANS NOTHING
ANYMORE.
JUST TEAR IT UP AND LIVE IN A CAVE.
I REALIZE I'M NOT DAVE, BUT I'M NOT AN ANIMAL.
AIM HUMAN BEING.
>> DID I MAKE YOU MAD?
I FEEL BAD.
>> Stephen: THIS IS MY SANDWICH, HOW DO YOU THINK I
FEEL?
I HAVE TO DO A SHOW RIGHT NOW AND, FRANKLY, I DON'T KNOW WHY
ANYMORE.
I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD POSSIBLY DO TO MAKE ME FORGIVE
YOU AT THIS POINT.
>> FREE CHIPS?
>> Stephen: OKAY, I FORGIVE YOU.
LET'S GO.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ♪