>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANKS, EVERYBODY.
PLEASE HAVE A SEAT. THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVE NOTICED BUT WE DO A LOT
OF SHOWS. AND I TELL A LOT OF JOKES AND I
TELL JOKES ABOUT A LOT OF DIFFERENT THINGS, MOSTLY WHAT
EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT. AND FOR THE LAST SIX WEEKS TO
TWO MONTHS, EVERYBODY HAS BEEN TALKING ABOUT THE MYSTERY OF
KATE MIDDLETON'S DISAPPEARANCE FROM THE PUBLIC LIFE.
AND TWO WEEKS AGO WE DID SOME JOKES ABOUT THAT MYSTERY AND ALL
OF THE REPORTING ABOUT THAT. WHEN I MADE THOSE JOKES, THAT
UPSET SOME PEOPLE. AND EVEN BEFORE HER DIAGNOSIS
WAS REVEALED, AND I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.
I MEAN, A LOT OF MY JOKES HAVE UPSET PEOPLE IN THE PAST.
I'M SURE SOME OF MY JOKES WILL UPSET PEOPLE IN THE FUTURE.
BUT THERE IS A STANDARD THAT I TRY TO HOLD MYSELF TO.
AND THAT IS I DO NOT MAKE LIGHT OF SOMEBODY ELSE'S TRAGEDY.
NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHETHER HER PROGNOSIS IS A TRAGIC ONE.
SHE IS THE FUTURE QUEEN OF ENGLAND AND I ASSUME SHE'S GOING
TO BE BE GETTING THE BEST POSSIBLE MEDICAL CARE.
REGARDLESS OF WHAT IT IS, I KNOW AND I'M SURE MANY OF YOU, FAR
TOO MANY OF US KNOW THAT ANY CANCER DIAGNOSIS OF ANY KIND IS
HARROWING FOR THE PATIENT AND FOR THEIR FAMILY.
AND... THOUGH I'M SURE THEY DON'T NEED
IT FROM ME, I AND EVERYONE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" WOULD LIKE TO
EXTEND OUR WELL WISHES AND HEARTFELT HOPE THAT HER RECOVERY
IS SWIFT AND THOROUGH. NOW, PLEASE SAY HELLO TO
LOUIS CATO AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND.
[APPLAUSE] LOUIS.
LOUIS, YOU KNOW WE HAVE THE STARS ON THE SHOW.
WE HAVE YOUR MOVIE STARS. WE HAVE YOUR TV STARS.
WE HAVE YOUR MUSICAL STARS, YOUR LITERARY STARS, POLITICIANS.
BUT VERY FEW PEOPLE HAVE SUPREME COURT JUSTICES ON THEIR
SHOW. JUSTICE STEPHEN BREYER WILL BE
OUT HERE IN JUST A MOMENT. AGAIN, AFTER THAT, IF YOU
ENJOYED THE SPORT, TO TIME PGA CHAMPIONSHIP JUSTIN THOMAS
WILL BE OUT HERE IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE.
STICK AROUND FOR THAT. FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW,
I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME OVER THERE IN THE ROLLING NEWS
FIELDS, CULTIVATING THE DAY'S FINEST NEBARI-GOSHI STORY WHEAT,
WHICH I GRIND INTO THE MOST TOPICAL DOUGH, THEN ROLL OUT
AND FILL WITH MINCED KURO-BUTA PORK, HAKU-SAI CABBAGE,
AND KOSHI-ZU SCALLIONS THEN GENTLY STEAM TO SERVE YOU THE
BRIGHT YET LAYERED HAMA-MATSU MUSHI-GYOZA DUMPLING
THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES,
JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I AM NUDGED AWAKE BY THE PACK OF
WOLVES THAT NURSED ME BACK TO HEALTH AFTER BEING LEFT FOR DEAD
BY MOONSHINERS, WHEN I SCRAPE SOME ACORNS AND SLUGS INTO
A DAMP TACO SHELL I STOLE FROM A POSSUM, THEN COWER FROM THE
RAIN UNDER AN ABANDONED CEMENT MIXER TO NIBBLE ON THE
TRASH-PACKED SCRUMBLE POUCH OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT...
>> "MEANWHILE"! [APPLAUSE]
THERE IT IS. THAT'S THE ONLY PROTECTION FROM
THE WIND AND THE WEATHER I NEED. MEANWHILE, BAD NEWS FOR FANS
OF PRICY BELGIAN ALES. PRODUCTION OF DUVEL BEER WAS HIT
BY A CYBER-ATTACK. OH, NO.
I HOPE IT DOESN'T MAKE IT HARDER TO FIND THAT BEER I'VE NEVER
HEARD OF. MEANWHILE, POLICE IN ITALY
RECENTLY PULLED OVER A 103-YEAR-OLD TRAFFIC OFFENDER.
THAT IS UNBELIEVABLE. ITALY HAS TRAFFIC LAWS?
I THOUGHT THEIR STREET SIGNS JUST SAY "A-DO WHATEVER
YOU WANT, I'M NOT A-YOU MAMA!" I SPEAK FLUENT ITALIAN, AS YOU
CAN TELL. [SPEAKING ITALIAN]
MEANWHILE, GOOD NEWS IF YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE EATERS WHO ONLY
CHECK THE EXPIRATION DATE AFTER YOUR EYEBALLS
START SWEATIN. A GASTROENTEROLOGIST SAYS THAT
IF YOUR IMMUNE AND GUT SYSTEMS ARE HEALTHY, "FOR THE VAST
MAJORITY OF PEOPLE, IF THEY ACCIDENTALLY CONSUME A LITTLE
BIT OF MOLD, REALLY NOT MUCH HAPPENS."
EXPLAINS ARBY'S NEW SLOGAN: "SEE?
IT'S FINE." [APPLAUSE]
THE DOC HERE SAYS "THE AMOUNT OF MOLD SOMEONE EATS WILL IMPACT
THE BODY'S REACTION. IF SOMEONE WERE TO CONSUME
A LARGE AMOUNT OF MOLD, THEY MIGHT EXPERIENCE NAUSEA,
INDIGESTION, CRAMPING, AND POSSIBLY DIARRHEA."
SO ENJOY YOUR MOLD, IN MODERATION.
THERE'S A REASON WHY MOLD IS THE SMALLEST PART OF THE
FOOD PYRAMID. MEANWHILE, IN A NEW STUDY,
VAPING HAS BEEN LINKED TO MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES.
WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT THE BIRTHDAY DONUT SMOKE THAT TURNS
YOUR LUNGS INTO POPCORN COULD BE BAD FOR YOU?
VAPE USERS WHO PARTICIPATED IN THE STUDY REPORTED SYMPTOMS
INCLUDING LOWER LEVELS OF MINDFULNESS, WORSE SLEEP
QUALITY, AND HEIGHTENED LEVELS OF RUMINATION.
"HEIGHTENED LEVELS OF RUMINATION" IS A PRETTY
PHILOSOPHICAL-SOUNDING SYMPTOM. WHAT WERE THE SURVEY
QUESTIONS LIKE? "DO YOU FEEL: A, SAD;
B, TIRED; C, HAUNTED BY THE RAVEN OF TIME
THAT HOVERS OVER EACH MOMENT, A SEA OF NOTHING IN ITS EYES,
OR D, HANGRY"? MEANWHILE, MIRIAM MARGOLYES,
WHO PLAYED PROFESSOR SPROUT IN THE HARRY POTTER MOVIES
SAID IN A RECENT INTERVIEW THAT ADULT HARRY POTTER FANS
"SHOULD BE OVER THAT BY NOW." TO WHICH ADULT HARRY POTTER FANS
REPLIED "UH, SOMEONE WENT TO SLYTHERIN."
SHE ELABORATED: "PEOPLE SAY, WE'RE HAVING A HARRY
POTTER-THEMED WEDDING. AND I THINK, GOSH, WHAT'S THEIR
FIRST NIGHT OF FUN GOING TO BE?" PRETTY GREAT...
IF THEY KNOW PARSEL-TONGUE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
MEANWHILE, NEWS FROM FRONTIER, THE AIRLINE THAT MAKES EVERY
FLIGHT FEEL LIKE YOU WOKE UP AT DAWN AND CLEARED AN ACRE
OF LAND. "STARTING APRIL 10, FRONTIER
WILL OFFER UPFRONT PLUS, WHERE IT WILL BLOCK THE SALE OF THE
MIDDLE SEAT SO YOU HAVE NO MIDDLE SEAT NEIGHBOR."
NOT TO BE OUTDONE -- AND THIS IS REAL --
FELLOW BUDGET AIRLINE SPIRIT AIRLINES OFFERS THE "BIG FRONT
SEAT" AT THE FRONT OF THE PLANE FOR AN UPCHARGE.
AND BY "BIG FRONT SEAT," THEY MEAN THEY WILL STRAP YOU TO
THE NOSE CONE. [APPLAUSE]
THAT'S NICE. MEANWHILE, IN CAR NEWS,
PORSCHE JUST UNVEILED ONE OF THE FASTEST ROAD CARS IN THE WORLD.
PERFECT FOR YOU TO DRIVE AS FAST AS YOU CAN AWAY FROM THE FEELING
THAT ALL YOU ARE IS A CAR GUY NOW, AND LINDA DOESN'T LOVE YOU
AND MAYBE SHE NEVER DID. IT SOUNDS WEIRD, BUT THAT'S
THEIR SLOGAN. "PORSCHE: YOUR WIFE IS GOING TO
LEAVE YOU." WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
JUSTICE STEPHEN BREYER.