WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND IT IS--
I FEEL THE SAME WAY.
IT IS FRIDAY.
YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR.
MORE IMPORTANTLY, HAPPY TRIO DE MAYO.
THAT'S A THING?
IT'S NOT A THING.
TRUMP'S BEEN RIDING HIGH THIS WHOLE WEEK.
IT'S BEEN A VERY GOOD WEEK FOR HIM.
THANKS TO HIS OLD OBSTRUCTIN' BUDDY, BILL BARR, THE MUELLER
REPORT MIGHT BE BEHIND HIM.
BUT HE'S FACING HEAT FROM A BRAND-NEW, GENTLY-USED ENEMY:
JOE BIDEN, BECAUSE TRUMP'S OWN CAMPAIGN HAS INTERNAL POLLING
SHOWING BIDEN TO BE TRUMP'S MOST DANGEROUS OPPONENT, UNLESS
THERE'S A SURPRISE CANDIDACY FROM THIS UMBRELLA.
( LAUGHTER )
HOW TO CLOSE AN UMBRELLA.
EARLIER THIS WEEK, TRUMP FIRED OFF ALMOST 60 ANTI-BIDEN
RETWEETS IN AN HOUR.
THOORKTS AN HOUR.
IT TOOK HIS ENTIRE WORKDAY."
THAT MEANS-- THAT MEANS TRUMP READ 60 TWEETS.
THE LAST TIME HE READ THAT MUCH WAS WHEN McDONALD'S REDESIGNED
THEIR MENU.
(AS TRUMP) " EVERYTHING'S-- WHAT'S THIS?
EVERYTHING'S IN A DIFFERENT SPOT NOW.
I CAN'T, I CAN'T, I CAN'T FIND NUGGET.
WHERE IS-- WHERE ARE YOU, NUGGET?"
( LAUGHTER )
APPLE PIE, HAVE YOU SEEN NUGGET?"
SOME TRUMP ADVISERS THINK HE'S WRONG TO BE TARGETING BIDEN THIS
THIS EARLY IN THE RACE.
FOR INSTANCE, PRESIDENTIAL SON-IN-LAW AND BIRTHDAY BOY
LEARNING HE MUST SHARE HIS CAKE WITH THE OTHER CHILDREN, JARED
KUSHNER.
KUSHNER REPORTEDLY TOLD THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN TEAM NOT TO
COMMENT ON DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY POLITICS BECAUSE "TARGETING
SPECIFIC DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFULS WAS, AT BEST, A WASTE
OF TIME, AND COULD EVEN BE COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE."
OH, YEAH.
REALLY?
WELL, "COUNTERPRODUCTIVE" IS DONALD J. TRUMP'S MIDDLE NAME,
BECAUSE HE THINKS YOU SPELL IT WITH A "J."
BUT -- SURPRISE-- TRUMP WON'T LISTEN.
EVERYWHERE HE GOES, HE'S BEEN CALLING BIDEN "SLEEPY JOE"
BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO ONE SOURCE, "TRUMP BELIEVES THAT IF
YOU CAN ENCAPSULATE SOMEONE IN A PHRASE OR A NICKNAME, YOU CAN
OWN THEM.
'LOW-ENERGY JEB', LITTLE MARCO'-- THAT KIND OF (BLEEP)
REALLY DIMINISHES PEOPLE."
YES, GIVING SOMEONE THE RIGHT NAME AND YOU DESTROY THEM.
TRUMP LEARNED THAT FROM REPUBLICAN SENATOR ALAN
RUMPELSTILTSKIN.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT HE HAS WHAT IT TAKES TO TOPPLE BIDEN.
STEVE BANNON CLAIMS "TRUMP WILL BENCH PRESS BIDEN ON THE DEBATE
STAGE IF IT EVER GETS TO THAT."
OH, PLEASE, LET IT GET TO THAT.
( LAUGHTER )
PLEASE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"OKAY, OKAY, JOE.
GET READY.
LAY DOWN ON TOP OF MY HANDS.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT-- WHY DON'T YOU BE THE
BENCH?" BUT BIDEN ISN'T TRUMP'S ONLY
OPPONENT.
HIS OTHER OPPONENT IS THE LAW.
BECAUSE HE STILL FACES 16 KNOWN CRIMINAL PROBES.
AND I WILL--
BIG CRIMINAL PROBE FANS HERE TONIGHT.
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT ONE IN OUR SOON-TO-BE LONG-RUNNING
SERIES ♪ 16 SCANDALS ♪
NOW SOME OUT THERE-- THANK YOU.
SOMEWHERE-- ♪ 16 SCANDALS ♪
SOMEWHERE RICHARD NIXON IS GOING, "I AM A CROOK, BUT AT
LEAST THERE WAS ONLY ONE WATERGATE.
HOW DOES TRUMP FIND THE TIME?
NOWK BACK TO ENJOYING HEAVEN, WHERE I DEFINITELY AM."
MAYBE.
MAYBE HE'S IN HEAVEN.
MAYBE 96OB'S IN HEAVEN, SOMEBODY'S LITTLE BOY.
TONIGHT'S SCANDAL: THERE'S FEDERAL AND STATE INVESTIGATIONS
INTO THE LARGE NUMBER OF UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANTS
APPARENTLY ILLEGALLY EMPLOYED AT TRUMP PROPERTIES.
WHAT A HYPOCRITE!
UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANT ARE TRUMP'S SWORN ENEMIES.
THIS IS LIKE FINDING OUT F.D.R.
HAD HITLER MOWING HIS LAWN.
ALLEGEDLY, TRUMP KNOWINGLY HIRED THESE WORKERS TO EXPLOIT THEIR
NON-LEGAL STATUS.
THESE EMPLOYEES WERE TOLD TO CLOCK OUT AND PERFORM HOURS OF
ADDITIONAL WORK, LIKE VACUUMING CARPETS, POLISHING SILVERWARE,
AND HELPING GET THE RESTAURANT READY FOR BREAKFAST THE NEXT
DAY, ALL OFF THE CLOCK, WITHOUT BEING PAID.
( BOOING ) I AGREE.
THAT SOUNDS REALLY BAD.
BUT IT IS PRESIDENTIAL.
REMEMBER, A LOT OF THE FOUNDING FATHERS HAD IMMIGRANTS WORKING
WITHOUT BEING PAID.
IT'S ALL IN THAT MOVIE: "12 YEARS OFF THE CLOCK."
AND AS WITH ANY STORIES WHERE PEOPLE HAVE ACTUALLY MET DONALD
TRUMP, THERE ARE BIZARRE DETAILS ABOUT THE MAN, INCLUDING THIS
ONE WHERE ONE OF THE UNDER-PAID WORKERS KNEW TO POUR TRUMP'S
DIET COKE FROM PARTICULAR MINIATURE GLASS BOTTLES INTO A
PLASTIC CUP, NEVER LETTING TRUMP SEE ANYONE TOUCH THE STRAW.
(AS TRUMP) "YES, NO ONE CAN TOUCH MY STRAW.
I HATE GERMS.
THAT'S WHY BEFORE I HAVE SEX, I ALWAYS PURELL MY PORN STAR."
( LAUGHTER )
NAME.
I FORGET."