LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
YOU KNOW, INFORMATION, LIKE MOST PEOPLE, I BELIEVE THAT DOGS ARE
MAN'S BEST FRIEND, WHICH IS WHY I LOVE DOING MY SEGMENT, "RESCUE
DOG RESCUE," WHERE A CELEBRITY FRIEND JOINS
ME TO TELL FLATTERING LIES ABOUT PUPPIES TO HELP GET THOSE
PUPPIES ADOPTED.
I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT SO FAR, WE HAVE A PERFECT RECORD OF EVERY
SINGLE DOG GETTING ADOPTED!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S WONDERFUL.
IT'S BEEN MUCH MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN OUR OTHER SEGMENT "RESCUE
DRUMMER RESCUE."
( LAUGHTER )
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE HOUSEBROKEN.
BUT IT'S MY JOB TO GET PEOPLE EXCITED ABOUT THESE DOGS, WHICH
NORMALLY ISN'T HARD, EXCEPT FOR RIGHT NOW, THERE IS ONE THING
THAT PEOPLE ARE EVEN MORE EXCITED ABOUT THAN PUPPIES, AND
THAT IS "GAME OF THRONES."
SO I THOUGHT, WHY NOT COMBINE THE TWO?
IT'S THE PERFECT MATCH BECAUSE, LIKE THE LANNISTERS, DOGS ALSO
HUMP PEOPLE THEY SHOULDN'T.
( LAUGHTER )
"RESCUE DOG RESCUE, 'GAME OF THRONES' EDITION: A SONG OF
CUDDLES AND SNUGGLES!" GREETINGS, IT IS I, STEPHEN, OF
HOUSE "LATE SHOW!" WELCOME TO "RESCUE DOG RESCUE:
'GAME OF THRONES' EDITION: A SONG OF CUDDLES AND SNUGGLES!"
WE HAVE AN AMAZING GROUP OF PUPPIES TONIGHT.
THEY COME FROM HOUSE GOODBOY, HOUSE WAGISTER, HOUSE, BARK AND
HOUSE PUGARYEN.
WE'RE ALREADY.
NOW, IF ONLY THERE WERE A CELEBRITY WILLING TO FORM AN
ADORABLE ALLIANCE TO HELP ME TELL LIES ABOUT THESE DOGS.
>> I LOVE LYING ABOUT ANIMALS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY!
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THAT'S VERY KIND.
THANK YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
>> WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS.
>> I AM.
BUT MY CONDO BOARD IS VERY STRICT, SO AT HOME, I'M THE
MOTHER OF PUPPIES.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WONDERFUL.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
BEFORE WE GET STARTED, A QUICK REMINDER TO EVERYBODY OUT TTHER:
ALL THE PUPPIES WE HAVE HERE TONIGHT ARE ACTUAL ADOPTABLE
DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA.
THEY'RE ALL FANTASTIC.
BUT TO MAKE THEM EVEN MORE APPEALING, WE ARE ABOUT TO TELL
FLATTERING LIES ABOUT THEM.
LET'S HELP SOME DOGS!
I'LL GO FIRST.
IF YOU DON'T MIND.
HERE WE GO.
BEHOLD!
THIS IS SHMOOPLES, THE NIGHT KING.
LIKE THE WHITE WALKERS, SHMOOPLES IS AMASSING A
TERRIFYING ARMY OF THE UNDEAD.
BUT ON THE PLUS SIDE, HE'S WILLING TO SHARE HIS HBO GO
PASSWORD.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> NICE!
THIS IS SANSA BARK.
SHE WAS ACTUALLY AT THE RED WEDDING, BUT DOGS ARE COLOR
BLIND, SO TO HER, IT WAS JUST A NORMAL WEDDING WHERE EVERYONE
GETS MURDERED.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
THIS IS THE HOUND.
( LAUGHTER )
HIDEOUSLY DISFIGURED FACE.
BUT HE IS LOYAL.
LOYAL.
I REPEAT, LOYAL, AND VERY, VERY UGLY AND MURDEROUS.
>> HELLO, BABY!
HI!
THIS IS KHAL DOGGO.
SHE ONLY RESPONDS TO COMMANDS IN DOTHRAKI, BUT ONCE YOU'VE
LEARNED IT, SHE KNOWS HOW TO "SIT," "ROLL OVER," AND "KILL
ALL WHO DARE STAND IN YOUR WAY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS IS GRAND MAESTER MARSHMALLOW.
MARSHMALLOW RECENTLY ATE THE FULL MANUSCRIPT FOR "THE WINDS
OF WINTER."
JUST TAKE HIM HOME AND JUST WAIT FOR HIM TO POOP OUT SOME
SPOILERS.
( APPLAUSE )
THIS IS THIS IS GEORGE R.R.
BARKIN.
( LAUGHTER )
WARN YOU, IF YOU WALK AROUND YOUR APARTMENT NAKED, HE
WILL RING A BELL AND YELL "SHAME!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THERE YOU GO!
YEAH!
>> Stephen: THIS-- THIS IS LORD SQUEAKY.
HE'S A VERY SPECIAL DOG, BECAUSE HE IS ACTUALLY PART DIRE WOLF,
WHICH SOUNDS COOL, UNTIL YOU REALIZE THAT DIRE WOLF IS
ACTUALLY SHORT FOR "DIARRHEA WOLF."
( LAUGHTER )
DOG RESCUE: 'GAME OF THRONES' EDITION: A SONG OF CUDDLES
AND SNUGGLES!" HEAD TO "THE LATE SHOW'S"
WEBSITE: colbertlateshow.com FOR INFO ON HOW TO ADOPT THESE DOGS
FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA.
EMILIA CLARKE, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.