>> Stephen: ARE WE ROLLING?
WE'RE ROLLING RIGHT NOW.
AND WE'RE ON THE AIR RIGHT NOW.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF-- WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE THING?
LAST NIGHT CATE BLANCHETT SAID I SHOULD HAVE A FLOWER OR
SOMETHING BACK HERE?
IS THE ORCHID WORKING?
OR DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE LOBBY OF A SPA.
I DON'T THINK SO.
I DON'T-- I DON'T THINK SO.
IS IT REAL?
IT'S REAL.
I DON'T THINK SO.
FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW I CRITICIZE DONALD
TRUMP A LOT, BUT WITH THIS CORONAVIRUS GRIPPING OUR
NATION, I REALIZE I DON'T DO IT ENOUGH.
AND I BLAME MYSELF-- A SENTENCE DONALD TRUMP HAS NEVER SAID.
BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP CLEARLY ONLY THINKS ABOUT THE NEEDS OF
DONALD TRUMP.
AND RIGHT NOW, HE NEEDS SOMEONE TO BLAME FOR HOW POORLY HE
RESPONDED TO THE CORONAVIRUS.
SO, YESTERDAY, AT THE PRESS BRIEFING, HE ANNOUNCED THIS:
>> TODAY, I AM INSTRUCTING MY ADMINISTRATION TO HALT FUNDING
OF THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION.
>> Stephen: HE'S DEFUNDING THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION DURING
A GLOBAL PANDEMIC.
BRILLIANT!
ITS LIKE WHEN YOUR HOUSE IS ENGULFED IN FLAMES: THE FIRST
THING YOU DO IS BURN DOWN THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.
THE U.S. IS THE W.H.O.'S BIGGEST DONOR, SO TRUMP IS TALKING ABOUT
TAKING AWAY ABOUT $553 MILLION.
HE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING THIS HOSTILE TO WORLD HEALTH SINCE
INTRODUCING THE BURGER TABLE.
AND I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THIS IS DUMB.
SO DOES BILLIONAIRE PHILANTHROPIST BILL GATES, SEEN
HERE OWNING THE RUNWAY IN LAVENDER CASHMERE.
WORK!
HE TWEETED, "HALTING FUNDING FOR THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION
DURING A WORLD HEALTH CRISIS IS AS DANGEROUS AS IT SOUNDS.
THEIR WORK IS SLOWING THE SPREAD OF COVID-19, AND IF THAT WORK IS
STOPPED, NO OTHER ORGANIZATION CAN REPLACE THEM.
THE WORLD NEEDS @WHO NOW MORE THAN EVER."
I AGREE WITH BILL GATES, AND THIS TIME, I'M NOT SAYING THAT
JUST TO GET IN HIS WILL.
I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU, PAPA.
YOU CAN BING IT.
AND I ALSO LOVE IMMUNOLOGY.
THAT'S WHY THIS SATURDAY, I'M CO-HOSTING, ALONG WITH JIMMY
FALLON AND JIMMY KIMMEL, "ONE WORLD: TOGETHER AT HOME," A
CELEBRITY BENEFIT FOR THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION.
IT'S GOING TO HAVE STARS LIKE LADY GAGA, ALICIA KEYS, AND
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS.
YES, NOT ONLY IS SPONGEBOB DOING MORE THAN THE PRESIDENT TO FIGHT
THIS GLOBAL PANDEMIC.
HE'S ALSO THE ONLY ONE OF US STILL WEARING PANTS.
"ONE WORLD: TOGETHER AT HOME" IS THIS SATURDAY AT 8:00 PM EASTERN
ON CBS, ABC, NBC, TWITCH, FACEBOOK, INSTAGRAM, AND
YOUTUBE.
YOU'VE GOT TO WATCH IT, BECAUSE IT'S ON EVERY CHANNEL, AND I
KNOW YOU'RE AVAILABLE.
GETTING BACK TO PEOPLE WHO AREN'T HELPING-- DONALD TRUMP.
HE IS TRYING REALLY HARD TO JUSTIFY HIS RASH AND DANGEROUS
ACTION.
>> THE REALITY IS THAT THE W.H.O. FAILED TO ADEQUATELY
OBTAIN, VET, AND SHARE INFORMATION IN A TIMELY AND
TRANSPARENT FASHION.
THE DELAYS THE W.H.O.
EXPERIENCED IN DECLARING A PUBLIC HEALTH EMERGENCY COST
VALUABLE TIME.
THE W.H.O. HAS NOT ADDRESSED A SINGLE ONE OF THESE CONCERNS,
NOR PROVIDED A SERIOUS EXPLANATION THAT ACKNOWLEDGES
ITS OWN MISTAKES.
>> Stephen: I THINK YOU MIGHT BE PROJECTING, SIR.
( AS TRUMP )
COVID.
THE W.H.O. CHEATED ON MELANIA WHEN SHE WAS HOME WITH A
THREE-MONTH-OLD.
THE W.H.O. THINKS THEY CAN GET OUT OF THIS BY BLAMING ALL THEIR
SCREW-UPS ON THE W.H.O."
NOT GOING TO WORK, W.H.O.
WHO DOES HE THINK HE'S KIDDING?
THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION DECLARED A GLOBAL EMERGENCY ON
JANUARY 30, WHILE TRUMP WAITED UNTIL MARCH 13.
HE COMPLETELY SKIPPED FEBRUARY.
WHAT, DOES TRUMP GO INTO HIBERNATION FOR BLACK HISTORY
MONTH?
( AS TRUMP )
DOUGLASS SEES HIS SHADOW."
I DON'T THINK THIS BUCK PASSING IS GOING TO WORK, BECAUSE
ANYBODY WATCHING THE NEWS KNEW THE CORONAVIRUS WAS COMING
EVENTUALLY.
ONE OF THE REASONS I'M ABLE TO DO MY SHOW FROM HOME DURING THE
QUARANTINE, IS THAT MY STAFF AT "THE LATE SHOW" TOOK IT
SERIOUSLY AND STARTED WORKING ON CONTINGENCIES TO LEAVE THE ED
SULLIVAN THEATER, IF NECESSARY, BACK ON FEBRUARY 28.
THAT'S THE SAME DAY TRUMP SAID THIS:
>> NOW THE DEMOCRATS ARE POLITICIZING THE CORONA VIRUS.
YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?
CORONAVIRUS.
( BOOING ) THEY'RE POLITICIZING IT.
THIS IS THEIR NEW HOAX.
>> Stephen: WE'RE JUST A TV SHOW.
WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE MORE PREPARED THAN THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES.
I MEAN, THERE'S A REASON THE CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS WASN'T
SOLVED BY "THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES."
( AS JETHRO )
MISSILES OUT BY THE CEMENT POND."
"HOOO, DOGGIE!
MIGHT BE TIME FOR A BLOCKADE."
TRUMP ALSO RECENTLY TRIED SOMETHING HE'S NEVER DONE
BEFORE: LISTENING TO ANOTHER PERSON.
>> THIS AFTERNOON, I MET WITH THE LEADERS, THE TOP PEOPLE OF
MANY OF AMERICA'S BIG, POWERFUL, BEAUTIFUL AND, YOU KNOW, VERY,
VERY IMPORTANT HOSPITALS, AND HOSPITAL ASSOCIATIONS, WHO JOIN
US TODAY.
WE HAD A GREAT MEETING.
LEARNED A LOT.
AND THEY'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH A LOT.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE JUST LEARNING NOW THAT HOSPITALS ARE GOING
THROUGH A LOT?
IT'S APRIL.
THAT'S LIKE GETTING HALFWAY THROUGH THE FINAL SEASON OF
"BREAKING BAD" AND SAYING, "WAIT A SECOND.
I THINK THIS DUDE'S COOKING METH."
"BREAKING BAD."
ON MONDAY, TRUMP SAID HE HAD "TOTAL AUTHORITY" ON DECIDING
WHEN THE STATES WOULD REOPEN, BUT THE GOVERNORS SAID, "NO, YOU
DON'T."
SO THE PRESIDENT RESPONDED WITH THIS STRONG STATEMENT:
>> I WILL BE SPEAKING TO ALL 50 GOVERNORS VERY SHORTLY, AND I
WILL THEN BE AUTHORIZING EACH INDIVIDUAL GOVERNOR OF EACH
INDIVIDUAL STATE TO IMPLEMENT A REOPENING.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
SO HE'S AUTHORIZING THE GOVERNORS TO DO WHAT THEY WERE
ALREADY DOING.
I SEE.
( AS TRUMP )
THE SUN TO RISE IN THE EAST, AND THE TIDE WILL BE ALLOWED TO ROLL
IN, BUT ONLY FOR SIX HOURS!
THEN YOU HAVE TO GO OUT AGAIN, TIDE.
SORRY, TIDE.
NO FREE RIDE."
THEN-- YOU MIGHT FIND THIS HARD TO BELIEVE-- THE BRIEFING TOOK A
BIT OF A WEIRD TURN WHEN TRUMP JUST STARTED LISTING ALL THE
PEOPLE HE'S GOING TO TALK TO.
>> WE HAVE A LIST OF DIFFERENT INDUSTRIES THAT I WILL BE
DISCUSSING BY MEETING BY TELEPHONE.
IN BANKING, IT'S BANK OF AMERICA.
BRIAN MOYNAHAN HAS BEEN GREAT.
JPMORGAN CHASE, JAMIE DIMON.
GOLDMAN SACHS, CITIGROUP, WELLS FARGO, U.S. BANK CORPS,
MORGAN STANLEY, JAMES GORMAN, GRAND RAPIDS STATE BANK,
SOUTHERN BANK CORP, THE CONSTRUCTION LABOR WORKFORCE,
INTERNATIONAL UNION OF OPERATING ENGINEERS--
♪ ♪ ♪ JIM CALLAHAN, THE NORTH AMERICAN
BUILDING TRADES UNION, SEAN McGARVEY-- THESE ARE A LOT OF
FRIENDS OF MINE.
>> Stephen: AND THE BAND IS PLAYING HIM OFF.
TRUMP WENT ON FOR TEN FULL MINUTES LISTING COMPANIES AND
NAMES, INCLUDING SOME SURPRISING HEALTH EXPERTS.
>> McDONALD'S, DARDEN RESTAURANTS, COCA-COLA,
PEPSI-COLA, CHIK-FIL-A, SUBWAY, BLOOMIN' BRANDS, YUM BRANDS,
PAPA JOHN'S, WENDY'S.
>> Stephen: NOT SURE IF THOSE WERE THE COMPANIES HE WAS GOING
TO TALK TO OR IF HE WAS JUST CALLING IN HIS LUNCH ORDER.
LET ME REMIND YOU: THIS IS A BRIEFING ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS
CRISIS.
I SAY WITH ALL RESPECT: WHAT DOES YUM BRANDS KNOW ABOUT THAT?
THEY OWN PIZZA HUT, TACO BELL, AND K.F.C.-- DELICIOUS ALL, BUT
FAMOUSLY, THE COLONEL DOES ONLY ONE THING REALLY WELL, AND IT'S
NOT DEEP-FRIED EPIDEMIOLOGY.
I MEAN, FOR PETE'S SAKE, WE'RE NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO TOUCH OUR
FACE, AND THE COLONEL KEEPS TEMPTING US TO LICK OUR FINGERS.
I COULD JUST MURDER A BUCKET OF CHICKEN RIGHT NOW.
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME CHICKEN?
I WOULD LIKE SOME CHICKEN.
BUT THE QUESTION ON EVERYBODY'S MIND IS WHEN IS THE COUNTRY
GOING TO REOPEN?
AND TRUMP WAS COY.
>> WE WILL GIVE A DATE, BUT THE DATE WILL BE IN THE VERY
NEAR FUTURE.
WE WILL BE ANNOUNCING A DATE, BUT IT WILL BE VERY SHORT.
AND, FRANKLY, IT WILL BE AT A TIME THAT WILL BE EARLIER THAN
THE DEADLINE THAT WE IMPOSED, THE END OF APRIL.
>> Stephen: SO, "IN THE VERY NEAR FUTURE," "VERY SHORT," BUT
"EARLIER THAN THE END OF APRIL."
SO... THE MIDDLE OF APRIL?
IT'S APRIL 15.
SO, NOW?
IS IT OVER?
CAN WE LEAVE OUR HOUSES AND START LICKING DOORKNOBS?
DON'T LICK DOORKNOBS.
WELL, HOPEFULLY HE WON'T MAKE UP HIS MIND SOON.
BECAUSE ONE SENIOR ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL SAYS,
"TRUMP HAS BEEN SO INSISTENT ON THE REOPENING, THAT SOME
OFFICIALS WORRY ONLY A NARROW WINDOW EXISTS TO PROVIDE
INFORMATION TO CHANGE HIS MIND."
YES, IT'S A NARROW WINDOW, AND IN THE OVAL OFFICE, AND THEY'RE
THROWING DESPERATE MESSAGES THROUGH IT WRITTEN ON SLICES OF
AMERICAN CHEESE.
THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT ISN'T THE ONLY ONE MAKING PLANS.
YESTERDAY WE HEARD FROM CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR AND
MANNEQUIN GAVIN NEWSOM.
NEWSOM OUTLINED THE FRAMEWORK THAT CALIFORNIA WAS GOING TO USE
TO REOPEN THEIR ECONOMY.
HE SAID THAT CALIFORNIA WAS GOING TO TAKE IT SLOW.
>> THERE IS NO LIGHT SWITCH HERE.
I WOULD ARGUE IT'S MORE LIKE A DIMMER.
LET'S NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE OF PULLING THE PLUG TOO EARLY.
>> Stephen: GOVERNOR, I GET WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, BUT YOU KNOW THAT
PULLING THE PLUG IS NOT HOW YOU TURN OFF A LIGHT, RIGHT?
UNLESS THE LIGHTBULB HAS A DO-NOT-RESUSCITATE ORDER.
NEWSOM ALSO WARNED THAT THE NEW NORMAL WON'T FEEL NORMAL.
>> YOU MAY BE HAVING DINNER WITH A WAITER, WEARING GLOVES, MAYBE
A FACE MASK.
DINNER WHERE THE MENU IS DISPOSABLE, WHERE THE TABLES,
HALF OF THE TABLES IN THAT RESTAURANT NO LONGER APPEAR.
WHERE YOUR TEMPERATURE IS CECKED BEFORE YOU WALK INTO THE
ESTABLISHMENT.
THESE ARE LIKELY SCENARIOS.
>> Stephen: NOW, THAT MAY SOUND LIKE A PRETTY GRIM DATE
NIGHT.
BUT SOME RESTAURANTS ARE ALREADY ADAPTING, LIKE THE NEW CASUAL
DINING CHAIN I.C.U. FRIDAYS.
TRY THEIR NEW FULLY LOADED N95 MASKS.
THESE ARE, OF COURSE, HARD FINANCIAL TIMES FOR MILLIONS OF
AMERICANS, BUT HELP IS ON THE WAY, BECAUSE THIS WEEK, THE
I.R.S. STARTED SENDING OUT STIMULUS PAYMENTS.
NOW, I'LL REMIND YOU: IT IS APRIL 15, AND THE I.R.S. IS
SCRAMBLING TO PAY YOU!
TABLES ARE TURNED, I.R.S.!
I HOPE YOU ENJOY MAKING A SWEATY, LAST-MINUTE APPOINTMENT
WITH YOUR C.P.A. ALAN FARKIS TO BEG HIM TO LET YOU CLAIM YOUR
CAT'S LITTER BOX AS A WORKING FARM!
NOW, THANKS TO THE CONGRESS-APPROVED BAILOUT, 80
MILLION AMERICANS CAN EXPECT UP TO $1,200, PLUS $500 PER CHILD.
FINALLY, A REASON FOR TRUMP TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE EXISTENCE OF
ERIC.
BUT THERE'S BEEN A BIT OF A SNAG, BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP WANTS
HIS NAME ON THE CHECKS.
IN FACT, "TRUMP PRIVATELY SUGGESTED TO TREASURY SECRETARY
STEVEN MNUCHIN, THAT HE FORMALLY SIGN THE CHECKS."
UHHH, I DON'T THINK ANYONE WANTS A CHECK THAT TRUMP SIGNED.
I THINK THAT LEGALLY MAKES YOU A PORN STAR.
NOW, AND IT TURNS OUT, THE PRESIDENT IS NOT LEGALLY ALLOWED
TO SIGN CHECKS FROM THE I.R.S.
SO INSTEAD, MNUCHIN DECIDED TO PUT THE PRESIDENT'S NAME IN THE
"MEMO" SECTION OF THE CHECK.
STILL BETTER THAN TRUMP'S ALTERNATIVE: TUCKING THE CASH
DIRECTLY INTO AMERICANS' G-STRINGS.
SO, THE I.R.S. CHANGED THE SYSTEM TO STROKE TRUMP'S EGO.
UNFORTUNATELY, STAMPING HIS NAME ON ALL THOSE CHECKS HAS
CAUSED A DELAY IN ISSUING THE FIRST BATCH OF PAPER CHECKS.
THAT IS REALLY DUMP.
BUT THAT ISN'T THE FIRST TIME TRUMP HAS PUT HIS NAME ON
SOMETHING DUMB.
WE'VE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
I AM TALKING TO SHAQUILLE O'NEILL AND FROM THE
INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION, ASTRONAUT JESSICA MEIR.
STICK AROUND.