- Yeah, what's up?
I'm not dead, yeah.
(audience claps and cheers)
I started smoking weed again though.
I am aware it looks like I never left.
Like I know, bro. (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
I had to retire.
I retired for eight years of my life.
You guys ever smoked so much weed,
you smoke heroin? (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
Oopsie daisies. (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
I did it wrong, bro.
I lost a tooth to the war. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
I don't know if that was the Kool-Aid or the dope, you know.
But that's between me, my tooth hole, and God right there.
But when you leave weed for eight years,
they change the game, you know.
They got weed everything.
They got weed shampoo.
Look at it, it's glorious right there.
(audience laughs)
(chuckles) They got weed ChapStick.
I'm wearing too much right now, (kiss smacks) you know.
They have weed water now.
That's not a joke.
They have weed LaCroix in a can.
(audience laughs)
However you say that dumb beverage.
I don't know what a pamplemousse is all right.
It's grapefruit. (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
But I was at a party and they had a cooler full of it
and I started putting them back, you know, I didn't know.
I had about 8, 9, 10 of them *******.
I'm also lying. I knew.
Yeah. (chuckles) (audience laughs)
You put a little in your tooth hole on the side.
It gets rid of gingivitis.
And then I smoked a joint
after that 'cause I'm an addict, you know.
That's my problem, like, I don't like regular high.
I like, "Oh no, (audience laughs)
how can I survive this?"
And therein lies my problem.
And then I did all that
and I was driving me and my buddy home on the freeway.
Yeah. And he asked me, he's like,
"How the **** are you driving right now?"
And I said, "I'm not.
(audience laughs)
We're flying, bro." (chuckles)
That car ride was lit too.
We had Pink Floyd playing, you know.
♪ Hello, hello, hello ♪
♪ Is there anybody in there ♪
No. (audience laughs)
I lost my marbles when I was nine, dude.
I was that little kid high on tropical punch Kool-Aid
with the red stained lips.
Remember red mouth?
I was a bad kid.
I was a menace.
My mama put a leash on me.
I was a leash kid. (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
That **** didn't work.
She turned around I'd strapped that **** on another kid.
I was gone, baby.
That big booty can't catch me. Nah, you know.
My mama's got a big old booty.
(audience laughs)
That's it.
That's a one-liner right there.
(audience laughs) (Craig laughs)
I'm half Mexican.
Can you tell? At all? (speaking Spanish)
For the doubters, What's up now, fool? What's up now?
(audience laughs)
My mama is full Mexican.
My dad is white as ****.
So I came out looking like a lesbian, you know.
(audience laughs)
I shaved my ***** today, boy.
(audience laughs) Whoo. (laughs)
I make fun of my Mexican side a lot, and they're like,
"Why don't you make fun of your white side, Craig?
Why don't you make fun of them?"
It's because I can't.
What am I gonna say about my Uncle Terry, white side?
"He's doing well. Yeah."
(audience laughs)
"He's an engineer.
He's a son of a ***** on the golf course, you know."
That **** don't slap.
But my Uncle Johnny, Mexican side,
you know, watch out fool.
This fool's nuts.
That fool's tatted up.
He's got punk and kill tatted on his knuckles right here.
And then he has Jesus Christ on his throat.
Yeah. Make up your mind Johnny.
(audience laughs) (Craig laughs)
Those are conflicting ideologies, bro.
But he used to babysit me
and tell me stories when he used to party.
He's sober now, you're about to hear why, yeah.
But he said he had PCP at a party
and his buddy warned him.
He's like, "Hey, Johnny stash the drugs,
the cops are coming," you know.
And he said he pulled it out of this pocket,
and he put it into that pocket.
(audience laughs)
And then he's like "stashed it." (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
And then he went to prison, yeah.
(audience laughs) (Craig laughs)
And then became my babysitter, in that order.
(audience laughs) (Craig laughs)
It all makes sense now.
You guys want a weird story?
I got a weird one.
(audience clapping and cheering)
Hey man, I seen my cousin's vagina before. (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
You said, "Yeah."
(audience laughs)
That's consent, baby. You know.
No, I saw it in a natural way.
In a normal way. (chuckles and laughs)
My cousin was pregnant as ****.
And her man got locked up.
You know, he was a tweaker from Riverside.
(audience laughs) (Craig laughs)
My mother is a very sweet lady.
She's a matriarch.
She takes everybody in and she's like,
"We got you. Come and live with us."
But now I am home alone with my pregnant cousin,
and she went into labor.
Yeah. And she's like,
"Hey, can you take me to the hospital right now?"
And I was like, "Okey dokey, yeah.
But let me smoke this weed real quick." (chuckles)
I'm not a woman, but I don't know how long labor's gonna be,
you know, it's a long day, and let me get my mind right.
So I (chuckles) I rushed her to the hospital.
Now it's me, my cousin, and the doctor.
And then he asked me, he says,
"Do you want to see a baby being brought into the world?"
And I'm high as ****.
(audience laughs)
I was like, "Hell yeah, dude."
(audience laughs)
That's like National Geographic in real life, you know?
And my pullout game is strong.
I don't know when the next opportunity
like this is gonna happen. (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
And I know it's weird.
I asked my cousin's permission, I was like,
"Can I witness childbirth?"
And she green lights me and she's like,
"Yeah, give it a look."
And I was like, "Okey dokey."
(audience laughs)
And now her legs are in the stirrups.
The clampy things. You know?
And I'm just staring at it and staring at it.
And still staring at it, and nothing is happening.
And then I look at the doctor, I'm like, "Hey?"
And he's like, "Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
It was too soon."
(audience laughs)
(chuckles) Yeah.
So I stared at my cousin's vagina for no reason at all, bro.
(audience laughs)
I know it was only two minutes, but I'm high as hell.
That felt like two years to me.
(audience laughs)
I also wanna know
what if that doctor had the sickest sense of humor ever.
(audience laughs)
And he's like, "I'm gonna trick this high dumb dumb
into staring at his cousin's stuff."
Because he did, man. He got me. (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
So then 20 minutes go by,
and he says that the baby's crowning now.
Come back and give it a look.
And I was like, "I don't know, bro.
(audience laughs)
Fool me once, shame on you, dude.
Fool me twice, that's my cousin's *****, bro."
(audience laughs)
But I was like, "Oh **** it, I'll take a chance."
You know?
And I went back and I witnessed that ****.
Women, you're amazing creatures.
Y'all sprout human beings out your wee wee, dude.
(audience laughs)
That's the craziest thing I've ever seen in my life.
It comes with a cord. Y'all know that?
They let me cut it and everything.
It's tough as nails though.
They don't warn you about that part.
I had to pull out my pocket knife, go, (air hisses).
You know. (chuckles) (audience laughs)
I told you I was Mexican.
We ready dog. What's up fool? (laughs)
But when you witness something like that, it impacts you.
I saw that and then I said to myself, I was like,
"I'm never having sex again." You know.
But then you quickly realize that's not a possibility.
So you bargain.
You go, "Okay, at least when I have sex
I'll be safe, and I'll wear a condom."
But then you quickly realize that's not a possibility.
(audience laughs)
So you pull out and pray. Yeah.
Who's getting STDs tonight?
(audience laughs)
Okay. (laughs) (audience laughs)
I think STDs are a myth anyways.
(audience laughs)
You just go in the ocean, that **** goes away.
You know? (audience laughs)
Get rid of your burning with some burning from the Lord.
(Craig laughs)
My dad's crazy too, my white side.
He doesn't like laws.
You know, like laws, those silly old things.
I remember growing up
the first law that changed was the bike helmet law.
When I was a little kid, you could bare back the concrete
like a man, you know. (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
You come out like this though.
And me and my father were riding our bikes
to the Moose Lodge
'cause he had one too many the night before.
And we're picking up his truck
and we get pulled over by the police
and he says to us, "Your son has to wear a helmet now."
And my father said, "I ain't raising no ******* nerd."
And the cop was like, "Oh Jesus." (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
You know, this was noon on a Saturday
in Torrance, California, you know.
I was like, "Yeah, he's a firecracker.
Try living with him," you know.
And then the next law that changed,
used to be able to ride in the back of pickup trucks.
Even in liberal Los Angeles, early nineties,
I swear to God, me and my sisters would be back there
playing Uno and hopscotch, you know. (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
You hit a ditch, you'd be like, wee.
That might have been a good law.
That saved some ninos right there, you know.
(audience laughs)
Woo. There goes another. (chuckles)
And we're going fishing
and we're going down the 110 freeway
and we get pulled over
and me and my sisters are back there playing
and the police says like,
"Sir, your children cannot be back there anymore."
And my father said, "What is happening to America?
(audience laughs)
My children can't play in my pickup
on a highway I pay taxes for."
And the cop, you know, he's like,
"Sir, we're just trying to prevent you
from having a dead son."
And my father said,
"I'd rather have a dead son than a ***** boy."
(audience laughs)
And then he beat me.
(Craig laughs)
That's a dark one. Okay, my bad.
(audience laughs)
We'll pep it up. We'll go happy.
I moved to the beach recently. Hey.
Yeah. I look like I would live by the beach.
Just not in a home, you know.
(audience laughs)
Like maybe a van at best, (chuckles)
or under the pier on a rough night. Yeah.
And I was babysitting my little nephew.
Again, I'm 10 years off narcotics and alcohol.
I'll be back. Don't applaud that.
(audience laughs)
So she trusts me again.
I take my little nephew down to the ocean,
I put him on a boogie board,
just very shallow in the white water.
And I don't know if God is mad at me for my Kool-aid days
or druggie days or what
but that fool send a wave in outta nowhere,
and then my nephew disappeared.
Yeah, I don't know if you've ever lost a kid
in the Pacific Ocean, (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
but that's a bad feeling right there.
Yeah, I only lost him for like three seconds.
It was the longest three of my life.
I was searching for his head to pop up like a buoy.
I was like, "Come on Thaddeus, come on."
And I just seen him tumbling.
Just (imitates clunking) you know.
And he's four, he can't talk that good.
He popped up, and he said, "I was underwater Uncle."
(audience laughs)
And he said, "I could see you, and then I couldn't see you."
(audience laughs)
And I said, "You're a poet, Thaddeus.
Now don't tell your mama about this."
(audience laughs)
And he didn't rat me out 'cause he's Mexican.
Hell yeah. (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
And then I beat him. (chuckles)
Generational trauma continues. (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
I'm just joking. It stops here.
(note thrums and warbles)