Are you dealing with a co-parent who's a narcissist during these holidays? Ugh,
it's so painful and so difficult. But by the time you finish watching this video, you're going to
have some ideas of what to do and what not to do when dealing with that co-parent in the holidays.
Hi, I'm Rebecca Zung. And I've been recognized as one of the top 1% of attorneys in the country.
And I have written a couple of bestselling books, Negotiate Like You M.A.T.T.E.R. And Breaking Free:
A Step‑By‑Step Divorce Guide. And I've helped thousands of people in your exact situation,
dealing with narcissists, dealing with co-parents, dealing with divorces and
other kinds of negotiations with narcissists in business and every other arena that you
could possibly think of. And I help give you guidance in these videos and on this channel.
And so, if you want more of that, if you're ready to break free from the narcissist in your life,
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So now, let's talk about co-parenting with a narcissist. First of all, co anything
with regard to a narcissist is kind of a misnomer. It's really sort of crazy to think about because
co anything with a narcissist is almost impossible. Especially,
when you're no longer in relationship with that person. Especially, when you are no longer giving
them narcissistic supply in some way. It's really, really difficult. And once you're no
longer in relationship with them, then the only form of supply that they can get from you is
making your life miserable, driving you crazy. And narcissists love to do that. Especially,
during the holidays, they really love to create havoc and chaos and drama during holidays,
because they don't like when there's something going on that is not paying attention to them,
or it's a lot going on. So here is a great opportunity to get more attention.
So when you're dealing with a narcissist at the holidays, and you're trying to deal with
a co-parenting situation, here are some things to definitely do. One, is definitely make sure that
you have a very specific parenting plan. Make sure that there are no gray areas. So if it's
Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or whatever it is that you're looking at, make sure that
there's specific start times and end times. So is it December 24th at noon to December 6th at noon?
Or is it Christmas Eve? Okay, then is it 5:00 PM to noon the next day? And then noon until noon the
next day? Something like that. You want to have very, very specific dates and times. So you do
want to make sure that you have a very specific parenting plan in place for these holidays.
The next thing you want to make sure is that the parenting plan also provides for who's going to
pick up, who's going to drop off. And are you driving or is the other person driving? Are they
picking up from your house or are you meeting somewhere in the middle? Are you meeting at a
neutral place in front of a Target, in the parking lot? Make sure that every single thing is outlined
very, very, very clearly. You might even want to have an agreement around gift giving. Are you
going to talk about what kinds of gifts you're going to give the children? Are you going to
split them? Are you going to each by your own? Are you going to try to coordinate it all? Maybe have
a conversation around that as well. So the more specific you can get the better it's going to be.
So make sure that you do not leave any gray areas in that parenting plan. Don't say, "Some time
on Christmas day as the kids want to," or something like that. Those are the kinds of things
that have you going crazy. And the worst thing is that during the holidays, narcissists know that
you don't have ready access to lawyers or somebody who can help you. So that's a perfect time to make
life miserable. So that's why you want to make sure that you have as much specificity
in your parenting plan as you possibly can. And if you are so ready to make sure that you have
a peaceful holiday season with that narcissistic co-parent, give me a, "Peace," in the comments.
Okay, so the next thing that you can do when you're dealing with a co-parent
in a holiday situation is have boundaries. So make sure that once you have this specific parenting
plan in place, you stick to it and you have boundaries. Don't let them worm their way into
doing things that you don't want them to do, like be at your family dinner or in your family photo,
or doing some shopping for them, or coming over and taking care of things for them, or
sucking you back into their little web of control in some way. If there's some little
place that they can worm their way into, they'll definitely do that.
They're sort of like smoke or something. It just comes through under cracks and into
crevices. And there it is, permeating your life and stinking everything up for you. So
having really, really strong boundaries... Have strong boundaries around the type of communication
that can happen in the holidays too. Who's going to be talking to the children and when?
Is it going to be via FaceTime? Is it going to be a telephone call? How long is the telephone call
going to be? Who's going to be initiating it? And then have boundaries around the times that
those times are not. So they can't be texting the kids 20 times a day,
trying to make sure that they're sabotaging your parenting time or vice versa. You want to just
make sure it's peaceful for the children as well. So the more you can just have boundaries and stick
to them, the more it will actually be peaceful for the children as well because this is their
holiday time. It's the only holiday time they're ever going to have. This is the only time they're
going to have Christmas this year, whatever, at this age, in this little time of their lives.
And so, you want to make memories for them and you don't want them to be negative. You want them to
be positive. So the more you can have boundaries, the better it's going to be for you as well.
So the other thing with communication, by the way, is maybe having some kind of a co-parenting app,
like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents, or coParenter, or Fayr or something like that.
So that you can not actually have to communicate with the person, either on
the phone, or in person, or something like that. If it's an especially inflammatory, or explosive,
or volatile situation, you might want to have your exchange be in a public place, or maybe
a neutral place, or a supervised place even. So that during that one little period of time, where
you might actually have to see the other person, there's no opportunity for anything inflammatory
that's going to upset you. Narcissists are great at their little passive aggressive moves, like
making a little comment or sliding in a little dig, even making a face or a sound like ugh,
ugh, something like that. Just any little thing that can kind of set you off and upset you. So
remember they get supply from that. So they're going to be looking for those opportunities
to get narcissistic supply. And if you want to know more
about co-parenting with a narcissist in general, I highly suggest that you check
out parts one and two of my conversation with Dr. Ramani on co-parenting with a narcissist.
So by making sure that you have a really specific parenting plan in place, and making sure that
you create really specific boundaries, it will make your life so much easier and so much more
peaceful during the holidays. So if you don't have that specific parenting plan in place right now,
that is something that you might want to look at talking to your lawyer about.
And getting some terms down, even if it's on a temporary basis, something that you can
write out, type out, both of you sign. Have it rendered into a court order rather than just being
an agreement. Because once the court renders that into an order, now, if the person doesn't do what
they are supposed to do, you can ask the court to hold them in contempt. You can ask that that
sanctions be applied, all kinds of bad things can happen if they ignore and violate court orders.
So if you don't have it rendered into a court order, then it'll just be an agreement
that they're violating the terms of contract. And yes, the court can enforce the contract,
but they don't have the same powers. The contempt powers are much more strong
than just enforcement powers by the judge. So you want whatever agreement you come up with,
put it in writing, both of you sign it, and then have it rendered into a court order so that you
have some teeth when you go to enforce it. The other little thing that you might want
to stick in there, if you can, is some kind of a default provision that says whoever defaults
on the agreement or violates the agreement in some way has to pay the non-defaulting parties
fees. And that is sort of like a disincentive for people to not abide by the terms of the agreement,
because now if they don't do it, they might have to pay your fees and theirs. So I like to throw
that language in as well, if possible. So those are the ways that you can kind of
try as best you can to keep peace during the holidays with that narcissist.
So if you are getting ready to negotiate with a narcissist, in any capacity, make sure to grab my
free Crush My Negotiation prep worksheet. You can get that at winmynegotiation.com
or we'll just drop the link below. If you like this video, like it, share it,
drop me a comment. Give me a, "Peace on Earth." Peace on earth, baby. And make sure that you
subscribe and hit that notification bell. I'm so glad that you stopped by here today.
I wish you peace, health, happiness, love. Let's make this next year the best one
ever. And I'm Rebecca Zung, thanks so much for stopping by. I'll see you in the next video.