Rome.
An era of great change and technological advancement.
Beautiful cities, excellent living conditions and the finest armies the world had ever seen.
But Western Europe didn’t get the memo.
Peasants in these parts were still content with eating dirt and the leaders hadn’t
invented stone walls yet.
The French thought it was smart to fight with naked fanatics.
The Germans used screaming women and the English just lobbed heads at everybody.
I shall play as them and attempt to defeat the French.
Long before it was cool.
But there’s just one problem…
…Rome only lets you play as the Romans, unlocking other factions after you’ve beaten
them!
So although I don’t want to, I must start as the Romans and beat the Britons, so that
I can then play as them to beat the French!
Okay, and there is a second problem as well: how do I get from HERE…
…to here?
HMMMM.
I declared war on a country half the world away and sent a few ships to take over England.
This isn’t England.
That’s better.
They arrived in England and hastily laid siege to Londinium.
Wherever that could be!
Now, for those of you who don’t know, I previously took over France as the British
in Medieval: Total War, which was the game before this one.
The armies were 2D, the graphics were blocky and grainy, and the game was released in 2002.
Rome came out 2 years later and, boy, did those 2 years make a difference!
I pity Kids today, where the next generation of consoles means that Lara Croft’s beard
waves slightly more realistically in the wind or whatever.
Back in MY day, it meant a jump from 2D blobs to glorious full-3D worlds!
Shadows on everything!
Reflections on helmets!
Distant scenery.
Rome was the largest jump the series ever witnessed and it still looks good to this
day.
That’s why I’m talking so much!
To excuse all this video footage of the battles to show you how NICE it all looks.
At how close you can get to the action.
How they kindly dress in distinct, vivid colours so you know who is who!
How diverse different units are.
I still find this among the most visually pleasing of the Total War games.
It’s so MEATY.
Anyway, whatever.
I defeated the British in their capital city and it was disappointingly easy.
But this was just the beginning!
I had to take over the whole of the British Isles.
This only took a few more turns and I just auto-resolved these fights and let the computer
win it for me, which it did.
But… something wasn’t right.
The Britons hadn’t been defeated!
I then realised that they had already taken over a few provinces on the mainland.
How about that, even without my input, England seems hardwired to attack France at every
opportunity!
I hadn’t expected this and it would certainly extend my playthrough quite a bit, as I first
had to stop England from rebelling against me.
This is done by having large armies in each city and by spamming the End Turn button until
the British plebs forget their past and instead accept that they’re now Roman.
Meanwhile, it also seems natural for France to attack the English -or in this case, me-
and they were harassing my provinces in Italy!
I’d have given these up, but these fertile lands account for most of my income and directly
fund the war effort in England.
So all of a sudden I found myself fighting on two fronts, against the British AND French
at the same time!
And then my leader died.
Talk about a string of bad luck.
Now I know what you’re thinking- you’re wanting some hot English VS French action.
I do too.
The Romans just don’t have the same appeal, with their rules and sophistication and…
clothes.
But look on the bright side- the Britons are a tough lot to stamp out!
Even when they’re against THE WHOLE WORLD AT ONCE.
But I’ll get there.
And when I do, you’ll get as much manly barbarian action as you can eat.
But for now, let’s focus on eradicating those pesky Brits.
With England firmly under my rule I set my sights on France.
Progress was slow but I was able to begin nibbling away at the Britons there as well.
They did at one point offer me a ceasefire, provided I gave them all my money and the
whole of England back.
I politely declined.
They then SLAUGHTERED my armies.
At one point, 56 men with sticks ruined an army 25 times larger.
Through sheer numbers I eventually beat them back, taking all of their provinces one by
one, until they were holed up in one last place in the middle of France.
Kind of felt sorry for them, stuck there in their budget London knock-off, surrounded
by French and… me.
I sent a large army in to finish the job.
And I was defeated.
Oh.
So I sent an even larger army in!
Just to be sure.
Oh.
…So I sent in 3 ridiculously overpowered armies in and defeated them.
Oh.
Auto-resolve had well and truly failed me, so I went to fight it myself and-
Oh.
Finally I got into the battle myself and did the good old, tried-and tested strategy of
double-clicking my whole army and by double-clicking on the enemies.
An entire 2 PEOPLE (!) were guarding the central court-yard.
I steamrolled them with my horses, which was when the Briton’s dreaded chariots joined
the fray.
They even killed my general!
I didn’t care.
I could have done a lot better than I did, but really, they still didn’t stand a chance.
Victory was mine, and the Britons were defeated!
This meant I could now start a new campaign as them and finally get around to beating
the French.
Rome: Total War- those were the days.
The level of hype before release was unbelievable- it even got its own TV series!
It’s the game that a thousand children tried to recreate Helms Deep on.
It’s the game with THIS BIT in one of the trailers!
And for a game about strategy, it was a bit silly to launch the same month as Half Life
2 and its sales likely suffered as a result.
I’m gonna say though, that episode of PC Gamer was fantastic.
Yeah, France, you can look all smug, watching as I pwn England with the most advanced armies
to walk the Earth.
But I’m coming for you next.
And it won’t be anywhere near as dignified.
I’ll Warcry in your general direction.
I’ll toss your heads back at you!
I’ll smother you in sweaty barbarian bodies.
You’d better hope for your sake that the next episode is delayed as much as this one
was.