(soft instrumental music)
- [Anna] There has been an explosion of interest
in narcissism these last few years, and specifically
in the negative effects that narcissists have
on people in their lives.
I'm Anna Runkle also known as the crappy childhood fairy.
And today I want to talk about what to do
when you think you've got
a real live narcissist in your life.
So, first narcissistic personality disorder is a thing,
a loosely defined thing
depending on what source you're reading.
I did a quick online search and it brings up
a good short working definition that says
narcissistic personality disorder involves a pattern
of self-centered arrogant thinking and behavior,
a lack of empathy and consideration for other people
and an excessive need for admiration.
Others often describe people
with narcissistic personality disorder
as cocky, manipulative, selfish, patronizing
and demanding.
Sounds kind of familiar with some people you might know.
Now there are a hundred variations on this
there's covert and overt narcissist, malignant narcissists,
narcissistic parents, spouses, bosses, children.
I'm sure we all know them.
And if you have childhood PTSD, there's a higher
than average likelihood that narcissism played a role
in the personalities of the people responsible
for the abuse and neglect that you suffered.
Narcissists are not always good or even adequate parents.
And a lot of people are only beginning to reckon
with the damage that happened when they were young.
But we also know that narcissism is likely caused
in part anyway, by neglectful parenting.
It makes sense that if no one will think well
of you or care for your needs, you might be kind of
pushed to become selfish and self-centered
and maybe even to blow your own horn a bit
to try to declare to the world
that you are somebody and you're worth something.
And I think some of us with c-PTSD
can get that way sometimes.
Even if we don't technically have a personality disorder.
I think everybody gets a little like that sometimes
and I don't mean to minimize how bad narcissism can be.
I've known my fair share of narcissists.
And it was like Superman and kryptonite
just being around them was crazy-making
for me and in a weird way, disabling.
And I always questioned why
I didn't just get away from them sooner.
It's still though, I don't think it's totally fair
when we talk about narcissists as if
they're fully to blame for their behavior,
except those of us who have childhood PTSD,
we're never to blame, right?
We blame the narcissist.
Here's the thing, we didn't ask to be neglected
and abused and we didn't get a choice
about developing childhood PTSD.
And likewise, with someone
with narcissistic personality disorder
if these labels are even really meaningful
which many people even professionals say
maybe they're not totally meaningful.
But people with narcissism didn't ask for it either.
And they have even less control
over their problems then does somebody with PTSD.
Now narcissists often damage their kids.
So, to do people would see PTSD sometimes.
We really can't separate out good people, bad people,
victims, perpetrators into neat little categories.
We're all a bit of both.
And as people with childhood PTSD, we're often
I hate to say it attracted to people
who are selfish and manipulative.
And why is that?
I don't know because we lack boundaries
and we sometimes crave a focus
on someone or something other than ourselves
maybe because in a crazy way, that calms us down.
We can't change narcissists.
Evidently they can't even change themselves
but we can work on our boundaries and our intercom.
And we can be more systematic
about choosing people who can reciprocate love
and attention with us.
And that's something I talk about a lot
in my dating and relationships course
for people with childhood PTSD.
So, when people ask me what to do about narcissists,
I say there's not a lot you can do.
And that's tough if you're a child
and they're your parents and you don't have a choice.
But if you're an adult, you can
and perhaps should get out.
And if you're brave and ready, you can look at what drew you
to a person who can't love you in the first place.
Or also you can try my daily practice to help
just release the fear and resentment
that holds you in unhappy relationships.
And that keeps you from speaking up
and taking action that makes sense for you.
That's how I got free.
And then your whole life kind of develops from there.
My daily practice course costs nothing
and you can use these techniques anywhere.
Whatever happened to you in the past,
whatever hard stuff is going on in your life right now,
it does not define you.
There's a full, complete, lovely person inside you
with talents and gifts to bring to this world.
So, let's get free of these old patterns
so that the good person can get out
of their cage and breathe free and have choices.
And I'll see you
Next week.
(soft instrumental music)