In the past two years, my brother and I have lost both of our parents.
When you lose a loved one, especially a parent, it’s devastating, it humbles you and it
can also be very isolating.
Especially when people avoid the topic.
When your loved one dies, your world stops, but the world around you keeps going.
How can you support someone in their darkest time?
How many of us have been in the position where you don’t know what to say to a grieving
friend or loved one?
Where someone you know has experienced heartbreaking loss and you start thinking ‘well i don’t
want to say the wrong thing’, or you don’t want to remind them of their loss, so you
end up saying nothing and miss out on the opportunity to help that person when they
might need you most.
Or maybe you worry about the scenario where if you choose to say something, you end up
saying what we’ve all shared during a difficult time - i’m so sorry for your loss, thoughts
and prayers or let me know if you need anything.
I created this video as a resource to share lessons learned from experiencing grief and
more importantly, what you can do and say to help someone feel supported, comfortable
and uplifted when they are dealing with significant loss.
One of the best things you can do is to start by simply acknowledging their pain.
Most people are good at this by reaching out when they hear the news.
If you’re uncomfortable or unfamiliar with grief and fear the idea of triggering them
by bringing it up, don’t act like it didn’t happen.
Prior to losing my parents, I avoided the conversation out of fear of triggering them
and now realize I failed every single person that was grieving.
Instead of avoiding the topic, recognize the fact you know.
For example, you could say ‘hey I heard the news, how are you handling everything?
I can’t imagine what you’re going through.
Or if it’s an option, just give them a hug.
This simple acknowledgement helps alleviate any awkwardness by letting the person know
they’re not alone in this journey.
If they’re in pain, let them be in pain.
Let that discomfort exist.
Let them feel witnessed by simply listening to what they’re sharing.
If you’ve gone through similar loss, feel their pain first before you try and fix it
by giving them hope.
I’ve heard many well intentioned comments like ‘they’re in a better a place, you
need to keep busy, it will get better with time’.
While the intention is pure, comments like this can almost be a form of dismissal of
the pain someone is feeling.
Now, if you feel completely uneasy about bringing up the topic or maybe that person needs their
own space and isn’t responding to your efforts to check in, simply send them a message (text,
email, write them a card and mail it to them) and let them know you’re thinking about
them.
Ask First, Talk Second - It’s not about what you can say to the person, it’s about
the space you can create for them to share something personal by asking meaningful questions.
If you want to support them, ask for permission first with ‘hey do you want to talk?’
This is important because some people might not be ready to open up about their grief.
If they do invite you in, follow up with questions that allow them to share.
I believe one of the best questions you can ask someone that is grieving is one I shared
in a previous video about grief - What do you want me to know about them or what do
you want me to know about what you’re going through?’
These are powerful invitations for the person to share something personal to their experience.
Once they’ve had a chance to share the difficult parts of grief, you could follow up with ‘ What
gives you comfort right now?’
- This is a valuable question to ask instead of saying ‘let me know if you need anything’.
Don’t wait for them to tell you what they need because they won’t.
They have enough to worry about.
By understanding the specific things that bring comfort, you can then take action - maybe
it’s getting groceries, maybe it’s picking up and dropping off the kids at daycare, maybe
it’s sitting together in silence.
Whatever it is, allow the person to share what would benefit them most and then do it.
Show Up After the First Wave The initial wave of support after someone dies is extremely
comforting.
Especially when you’re dealing with the fear, denial or anger of the loss.
We were fortunate enough to have immense support leading up to the funeral of both of our parents
and then have continued support from friends and family after.
The weird part of losing someone is after the funeral, most people carry on with their
own lives.
They have their normal responsibilities to take care of.
If you want to truly be there for someone, stick around after the first wave because
while death is a date on the calendar, grief is the calendar.
There are moments when you feel may at peace and then all of a sudden you’re ugly crying
while walking the dog.
Trust me it’s happened a few times.
Your consistent support weeks, months, even years later of checking in, taking them out,
just sitting and listening to them can be helpful after the initial wave of support
fades.
Remember the Power of Touch Sensory and touch deprivation during COVID - hugs, high fives,
handshakes became obsolete.
The power of touch has been scientifically proven to reduce, stress anxiety and depression.
If they cry, reach out.
Give them a hug.
hold them.
Rub their back.
I’ll never forget sobbing at Mom’s funeral and then having my wife rub my back.
She did it for my brother too.
It made a world of difference.
These small gestures of touch and kindness will go a long way in lifting someone up.
You cannot talk someone out of their pain.
Instead, aim to sit with them in it.
Acknowledge what they’re going through.
Embrace the silence that might ensue.
Ask them questions, even if you’re afraid of the answer.
Above all, feel their experience, instead of projecting yours on them.
Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries will be hard but so will any random day.
If you want to help a grieving loved one.
Be courageous.
Be consistent and Be willing to join them on their journey.
Grieving may be universal, but the experience is unique for each person.
These are ideas that helped me.
It may be very different for you.
If you’ve lost a parent or loved one, What helped you with your grief?
What type of support did you appreciate the most?
I invite you to share your personal experience in the comments below.
Thanks for listening to this.