I was talking to someone recently the topic came up of the affliction of jealousy, and
the idea that we don't talk about that so much in this community. So first of all I
kind of questioned that. But then I thought, well, you know, we list off-- We talk about
our craving pretty openly, or our attachment pretty openly, we talk about our anger pretty
openly... But I think it might be so that revealing the jealousy is a little bit harder.
A little bit harder. And so I'm curious a little bit to think about that, and is that
so. I mean, is there anybody here who does not have the experience of jealousy coming up?
Zero hands. Not one single person?
So is there anybody here-- (To audience) You don't have jealousy? (Listens)
Has anybody here NOT had it? Anyone here NOT had jealousy come up? So no volunteers.
Anybody here HAVE jealousy come up, just to be clear?
Every single person.
So, what kind of things do we get jealous about?
You name it.
Specifically, what?
Other people's good qualities.
Their talents.
Their opportunities.
Other people's praise.
[Laughter] Other people's kindness.
Okay, because that's their good qualities, right? And I didn't get it.
Right? What else?
Their stuff. Other people's stuff.
Other people's appearance.
People's good health.
People's youth. [laughter]
Audience: I find myself becoming jealous when I encounter people's pasts. What appears to
be a better childhood, better relationships.
Ven Chonyi: Yes, the good childhood, good relationships, the good family, the good opportunities,
the better friendships.
So what's happening when jealousy is arising? It's painful. But what's happening? What's
going on in our minds?
Well, I'd rather have that than them.
What else?
Comparison.
So is there anybody in their practice this morning who did not say, "May all sentient
beings have happiness and its causes."
Not every sadhana has it, but just about. May all sentient beings have happiness and
its causes. And yet as soon as we see somebody happy, "Ack!" [Laughter]
For any number of reasons, right?
So, I think maybe it's slightly invisible, I mean is there some shame around jealousy?
That's the other thing. Is it more shameful than anger? Well, our anger is harder to hide.
Is our jealousy actually...?
Right, pride kicks in and it's harder to say "I'm jealous of you" because...why?
You're still comparing and we come out less. We come out less. If I say "I'm jealous of
you" then automatically I put myself lower, you're higher, and my whole identity about
not being such a good person comes up. Is this right?
How can I be superior if I'm lower? And of course I need to be superior, so.... Do you
think pride and jealousy always go together?
Audience: I think the thing that happens, before the comparison, is I'm not feeling
good about myself, so for me is that's opposite pride, the inverted pride....
Ven Chonyi: Okay, so I'm already not feeling good about myself, so then the comparing mind
creeps in sneakily, because it's not like we're walking around with a checklist in hand,
it's in our minds somewhere, we're comparing ourselves to somebody else, and then because
we've already put ourselves lower to begin with, then we're miserable.
Audience: And the kicker is that we're jealous about something very specific to an inadequacy
that we feel about ourselves. It's not like-- Well, first of all I'm not jealous of their
good looks ... It's a very specific comparison and a very specific sense of not getting enough,
of an inadequacy...
Ven Chonyi: Okay, so it's a sense of inadequacy, or something that you already feel that you're
not getting enough of, or that you feel inadequate about, and then you see somebody else gets
it, and that kicks in the comparison.
Could we say that then jealousy is related to our own unmet needs? If we wanted to take
it to the non-violent communication question for a moment and go, some unmet need for myself,
some sense of not getting enough praise or not getting enough... Yes, lack of self acceptance,
yes. But a need for-- I have a need for connection and I see all these people look like they're
having friends but I'm not... So bad enough I feel bad, then I have the jealousy kick
in. Does that make sense as a thought?
(Listens to audience)
So if you're around happy families, that you didn't have, and then you go to sad, does
that go straight to self-pity? And then does that take us into jealousy? I mean, does self-pity
have some sense, I mean...
It's a question.
It can go to dark depression.
Do they deserve that? No, I do!
So jealousy is an angry mind, it's one of the derivatives of anger, I think.
Well, it's an interesting thing to bring out of the closet and kind of into the open air.
Because, of course, what is the antidote?
Rejoicing.
How easy is it to go from jealousy to rejoicing in 60 seconds?
Not.
So what's the pathway from feeling jealous to rejoicing?
What do we have to do? What do we have to do?
Accept ourselves. Accept the situation.
Self-empathy around precious human life
I think first we have to actually recognize it. I don't know that jealousy is always that
recognizable unless we're trying to pay attention to it. We can call it something else. We can
call it many something elses before we recognize that it's jealousy. I think that's my experience
of it. But then, to go "Oh, I'm jealous." Then hmm, what are my good qualities.
(Listens to audience)
Right, so recognizing that you're jealous, analyzing that you have this whole story about
how blissful and happy they're going to be because they just got what you want. So having
respect, going to that-- What's the Nagarjuna quote exactly? "Being respectfully mindful
of another when giving, one overcomes jealousy." Yes. So going to respect, and that helps take
away the storylines, you can actually see the reality of, "Here's a person having a
moment of happiness. Here's a genuine person having a genuine moment of happiness. How nice."
Yes. That's lovely.
(Listens to audience)
So work with the anger by making the connection, and seeing their kindness, and letting that
part go away, and then the jealousy-- You're not comparing anymore? Is that what happens?
(Listens)
Yes, but if you do that work, then making that connection with that person changes--
(Listens)
Oh nice. Then only kindness is left. That's a nice thought.
(Listens to audience)
So cultivating contentment in yourself for what you have, and then you don't need what
they need to make yourself happy. You don't need what they have, what they just got, to
make yourself happy.
Well, let's cultivate the antidotes, and maybe bring this affliction out of the closet. Because
I think there's really no way that you can live with people and have the afflicted minds
that we have and not have it come up. And I think at some point, too, it's kind of worth
looking at the shame inside ourselves, the shame of having jealousy. Because as long
as we have that then it's too hard to accept that we have it. You know if it's a shameful
thing or "I don't want to be jealous, grrrr," then I don't want to reveal even to myself
that I have it, then we can't work with it.
So anyway, I appreciated the prod from the person who brought it out. And anyway, we've
all got it. We can own it and work with it together.