- People are having sex
and a lot of times, that sex isn't happening in a marriage
or even a relationship, and that's okay.
Sometimes you just want to bone
or are feeling a little slutty and sometimes,
hooking up with your friends that you're not dating
can be a really cool expression of your friend relationship.
In the past, gay guys have been pretty stellar
at the casual sex thing,
and so as gay marriage becomes more popular,
let's not lose sight of that
or get shamed into changing our ways.
The ways in which gay guys relate to sex
has something valuable to teach everything.
(upbeat music)
But first, hey there.
If you don't already know me, my name is Brian G Murphy.
I'm an activist, educator and certified relationship coach
and I'm here to help you build and sustain relationships
that are fun and fulfilling.
While it might seem like casual sex
is an invention of the new millennium,
it's been going on for ages.
Of course,
the Greeks and the ancient Romans were big fans of the sex,
and even here in America,
it's been going on for quite a while.
Back in 1957, journalist Nora Johnson
was bemoaning the ills of casual sex
in an article for The Atlantic.
Now, unfortunately most studies on sex
are about college students
because they're an easy and cheap captive audience,
so in order to get data about the rest of us,
we have to go to less academic studies.
So when OK Cupid surveyed its user base,
it found that between 10.3 and 15.5% of users
were looking for casual sex rather than a relationship
and a 2014 British sex survey conducted by The Guardian
found that half of all respondents reported
that they had engaged in a one night stand
with gays being a little bit higher than the straights
and a fifth of the people said they'd slept with someone
whose name they did not know.
So, I want to know about you.
Do you ever hook up outside of a committed relationship?
I know that I do.
Let me know in the comments down below
and if you're so inclined, share some of the highlights.
Casual sex and hooking up just for fun
have been an important part of my life
and the friendships that have come out of casual sex
have been meaningful to me,
and sometimes even just a one night stand
has been meaningful to me,
but even if it's not super meaningful to you
it can still just be fun
and just being fun is important also.
Now, it's not always good.
Sometimes the sex is bad, sometimes the person's awkward,
sometimes I'm uncomfortable, one time I got an STD,
but the times that it's been less than stellar
are far outweighed by the times that it's been great,
and fun, and fulfilling,
and I would not trade casual sex for the world.
I've met almost all of my friends through casual sex.
Some through Grindr, some through Adam for Adam,
some through Recon.
Sometimes I meet the hook ups
of the guys that I've hooked up with
and become friends with them that way.
I think that if you got us all together
and plotted out all of our connections, L Word style,
you would find that almost all of us
are connected through sex in some way
and sometimes, hook ups or casual sex
don't turn into something meaningful, and that's okay too.
There was this guy back in New York
that I was hooking up with on the rag for two years
and we never went on a date, we never hung out as friends,
it was just hooking up, but it was a lot of fun
and he means a lot to me.
And there's been a handful of guys
that I only ever met up with once,
but I still had a lot of fun with
and who I remember fondly,
even if I can't always remember their names.
There is something profound about seeing someone
in all of their weird and complicated desires,
about the vulnerability of getting naked together,
about the care that goes into making each other feel good,
about the intimacy that comes
with exploring your bodies together.
Sex is messy, and fun, and silly, and sacred
and it can be all of those things
with your husband of 10 years
or with a guy that you met in line
while waiting for the bathroom at The Boiler Room.
Not that I've ever done that.
What about you?
Would you be willing to share a casual hook up
that was meaningful to you?
Let us know in the comments down below
and remember to subscribe for new videos
every Wednesday afternoon on sex, dating, hooking up,
relationships, communication, trust and so much more.
Sex is a big part of our lives as gay guys
and sometimes we do that alone.
I made a video looking at whether or not porn is cheating
and exploring the very question of what is monogamy anyways?
Whatever your answer is, I guarantee you
that someone else completely disagrees with you.
Go ahead and click on the video over there
and I will see you over there.