>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
THESE CONVENTIONS CAN BE FUN TO WATCH, BUT FOR THE PEOPLE
INVOLVED IT IS A BLOOD SPORT THAT WE JUST WATCH.
IT IS BARE-KNUCKLE BRAWLING.
IT'S LIKE THE HUNGER GAMES.
NO, IT'S WORSE THAN THAT.
IT'S -- THE HUNGRY FOR POWER GAMES!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ♪
HA HA!
I HAVE ARRIVED AT THE 2016 REPUBLICAN NATIONAL HUNGRY FOR
POWER GAMES!
QUICKEN LOANS ARENA, NAMED FOR A MONEY LENDER SO YOU KNOW IT'S
RUTHLESS!
CACALIGULA, LET'S GO!
THIS YEAR'S POWER GAMES ARE A BIG TENT.
OF COURSE, ALL RACES AND CREEDS ARE W WELCOME THIS YEAR, UNLESS
YOU WANT TO GO UP TO THE EXECUTIVE SUITES, IN WHICH CASE
YOU WILL WANT TO USE THE WHITE ELEVATORS.
(LAUGHTER) HA HA!
WELCOME TO THE ARENA, CITIZENS!
SO GRAND, IT CAN ALMOST HOLD DONALD TRUMP'S ENTIRE HEAD.
(LAUGHTER) WHAT'S THAT?
YES, YES!
OH, OH!
LET'S GO!
THE RED CARPET, OF COURSE, IS HERE TO HIDE THE RIVERS OF BLOOD
THAT WILL EVENTUALLY POUR DOWN FROM THE CORNUCOPIA, WHEN DONALD
TRUMP, FLANKED BY HIS TWO EUNICKS TAKE THE STAGE, PAUL
RYAN AND REINCE PREVIOUS WHO CLEARLY CHECKED THEIR BALLS AT
THE FRONT DOOR.
ONE SEAT WAS SAVED FOR CHRIS CHRISTIE TO HAVE THE BEST
POSSIBLE VIEW OF THE END OF HIS CAREER.
YOU WOULDN'T MIND.
THERE YOU GO.
FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO OUR FATHERS BROUGHT FORTH -- WHO
WROTE THAT?
THAT'S FRESH!
EXCUSE ME.
>> I'M ABOUT TO GO LIVE.
>> Stephen: I APOLOGIZE.
THEY LED TEL -- LET TELEMUNDO IN HERE?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: ANSWER A QUESTION FOR ME --
(SPEAKING SPANISH) -- DONALD TRUMP OR HILLARY
CLINTON?
>> NO COMMENT.
>> Stephen: IS THAT SPANISH?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
(SPEAKING SPANISH) >> Stephen: SOUNDS DELICIOUS
BUT I'M FULL.
NORTH CAROLINA STAGED THEMSELVES STEEKCALLY NEXT TO THE
BOOTHROOMS SO THEY CAN CHECK PEOPLE'S GENITALIA BEFORE THEY
CAST THEIR BALLOTS.
I HAVE A WEASEL IN MY PANTS.
CHUCK TODD!
HAVE MATT LAUER WASHED AND BROUGHT TO MY TENT!
MY WEASEL WANTS TO MAKE LOVE TO YOUR GOATEE!
MEANWHILE, LIBERAL WASHINGTON STATE POSITIONED ITSELF NEXT TO
THE BATHROOMS MALE, FEMALE AND PIS RIDATE.
ANYTHING GOES!
ONLY ONE THING LEFT TO DO AND ON THE ONE THING I WAS NOT SUPPOSED
TO DO IT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) 2016 HUNGRY FOR POWER GAMES!
HA HA!
BEAUTIFUL!
THIS WEEK IN THIS ARENA, THE REPUBLICANS HAVE PROVED THEY ARE
TRULY PASSIONATE ABOUT ONE CANDIDATE, HILLARY CLINTON!
THEY WOULD DO ANYTHING TO STOP HER UP TO AND INCLUDING
NOMINATING DONALD J. DONATE JAMISON TRUMP!
BUT TRUMP WILL NOT ENTER THE ARENA ALONE, NO!
HE HAS FORMED AN ALLIANCE WITH INDIANA GOVERNOR MIKE PENCE!
(LAUGHTER) SORRY, I BLACKED OUT THERE FOR A
MOMENT.
SO IT IS MY HONOR TO HEREBY LAUNCH AND BEGIN THE 2016
REPUBLICAN NATIONAL HUNGRY FOR POWER GAMES!
LOOK, LOOK, I KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE UP HERE, BUT
LET'S BE HONEST, NEITHER IS DONALD TRUMP!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF OUR LIVE CONVENTION SPECIALS! STICK AROUND!