'I think this is going to be one of those nights.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
'I've heard that, that's the one about the mountain man whose spirit still roams through these hills.'
That’s how you introduce a plot.
Satan’s Blade opens with a bank robbery and murder.
The robbers head to a rented cabin in the mountains and…
They’re girls! Shocking.
They hide the money and wait for their accomplice,
'I'm sure things will calm down in a couple of days, just try to keep yourself together until Geroge gets here.'
Yeah, the police give up pretty quickly after a double murder and bank robbery,
Just lie low until your wanted level drops. It's the most realistic part of Grand Theft Auto.
but before George can arrive...
The killers are themselves killed.
The police investigate.
‘Should we close up the cabin?’
‘I don’t think that’ll be necessary’
We don’t go in for this locking down the crime scene, just wipe the blood off the floor and wheel in the next guests.
‘Luckily for you, we have one vacant cabin’
Just give me five minutes to fetch the mop.
But the cabin owner’s Mom has a slightly different sales pitch.
‘No one will be safe if it's what I think it is.’
and the potential guests express their interest in a completely natural fashion.
‘I can’t wait to hear this’
‘Please, tell us about it’
Strap in.
‘There was a time when there wasn’t a soul living in these parts except for a giant man and his family’
They stayed in cabin 4.
‘They say he was given a weapon, but that wasn’t from the gods,
'that was from the evil spirits of these mountains that wanted them for themselves.’
Great, can we get our key?
‘Where he has become a monster of death and stalks all who come to these mountains’
There are two groups taking adjacent cabins;
a pair of married couples, and five girls,
and there is some awkward chemistry between married Tony and young Stephanie.
‘Don’t worry, we’ll be good’
‘I just hope we don’t keep you up with our partying’
There’s definitely a party atmosphere.
Tony and Lisa and Al and Lil are here to celebrate Tony passing the bar.
Holy hell this is the saddest celebration ever.
The girls’ party centres around Sue.
‘It really was too bad about her father, he was so nice’
Okay, maybe this is the saddest party ever.
‘This has been one hell of a day, what do you think?’
I think your standards of ‘a hell of a day’ are pathetically low.
But now, things start happening.
As the killer strikes...
and strikes.
No wonder these people had so little character it was barely worth meeting them.
Oh. It was all a dream. But…
Actually, this is a different kind of horror.
‘Son of a bitch, it’s those guys from next door’
Hi, our wives are sleeping and we thought what the hell.
'Hey Al, this is better than Disney Land.'
Tony gets reacquainted with Stephanie.
‘You deserve this buddy’
I’m not sure he does.
‘I think it’s time you came to bed’
Come the morning, Al’s wife doesn’t seem to care while Lisa.
‘Do you want me to stay here with you?’
‘I’d rather be alone’
Cool I’ll see if Stephanie’s free.
‘About last night, I’m really sorry’
I wonder if I should apologise to my wife.
'You know you look a lot better without that mask on.'
Stephanie is all over Tony but…
‘I’m married and I love my wife’
I’m drawing the line here. Just beyond groping you in the snow.
‘Maybe I was too hard on him’
No.
‘I’ve been sitting here jealous of some little snow bunny, picturing what my life would be like without you.’
Better.
‘How can you doubt me after everything we’ve been through’
Umm…
‘Hey Al, this is better than Disneyland’
You’re probably noticing the lack of horror
and I’m pretty sure Sue’s dream was added
so something happened beyond the lifeless interactions of the least engaging characters ever to barely convince as human beings.
‘Isn’t it nice that we get to get away for the weekend’
‘Yeah, it’s alright’
That sort of deathless dialogue is all you’ve got to watch for the first fifty minutes until…
It really is remarkable you can spend two thirds of a movie waiting for a killing spree that is every bit as unimaginative as the dialogue.
If not more so.
Stephanie is the sole survivor of the girl’s cabin and runs for help.
Steady on, my wife’s right there.
Their tyres have been slashed so Al and Lil go for help on foot.
'We're almost there.'
'Al Please.'
Would you stand still a second?
Thanks.
Back at the cabin.
‘Tony. I’m going to take Stephanie upstairs’
Wow, I didn’t want to be the one to suggest it but yeah, let’s make that happen!
But as Stephanie hides, the killing continues,
well, I guess now Tony’s free.
Oah.
Stephanie finds a cop.
What?
‘You…. Why?’
I suggest you make the explanation you are about to give, phenomenally good.
‘I don’t know!’
Not good enough.
‘All I ever wanted was the money’
That is potentially interesting, if you remember...
‘So just try and keep yourself together until George gets here’
Well...
‘George, are you alright’
I love the idea of the bank robbery accomplice using a local legend as cover for killings he has to commit to get his hands on the money.
But that’s not what’s happening.
For one thing, why take the money rather than when he killed the first girls?
and for another, he is actually possessed.
‘There’s something inside me I can’t control’
having picked up the giant’s enchanted knife – an event we don’t see.
So it feels like the film hasn’t made up its mind which way to go.
Also worth noting, with certain caveats; this is Psycho,
it has the robbery at the start that you think is the story and isn’t.
It has the early death of a character you thought was the lead.
It even has the final monologue.
‘This is my mountain and people who come to my mountain must perish.’
It’s Psycho made by someone who had no idea why Psycho works.
'Play close attemtion, myabe you'll learn somethng.'
Satan’s Blade is trying to do exactly what a good thriller should;
tell an engaging character story that is blown apart by dramatic events.
But the characters aren’t engaging and the events aren’t dramatic.
So I don’t know if you want to give it points for trying but it’s just terrible.
'It's not for us to listen, come on lets get out of here.'
Thanks for watching. If you want to know more about why Psycho works join us on Patreon for our series 52 Weeks of Alfred Hitchcock.
Tony and Lisa shouldn’t be together, what other movie couples should just call it quits?
Let us know in the comments below.
'Don't worry about your clothes, lets get out of here.'