LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I AM SO HAPPY-- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I CAN TELL YOU'RE HAPPY.
I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE TONIGHT.
I'M HAPPY HERE IS HERE TONIGHT BECAUSE IT WAS A LITTLE DICEY
THE LAST 24 HOURS.
BECAUSE REMEMBER WHEN TRUMP KILLED THE TOP IRANIAN GENERAL
QASSEM SOLEIMANI AND EVERYBODY WAS LIKE, "IS THIS WORLD WAR
III?" WELL, I'M HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE
IT'S NOT WORLD WAR III!
IT'S NOT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT WE MADE MOST OF THIS GRAPHIC WHEN WE WERE A LITTLE MORE
NERVOUS.
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S NOT WORLD WAR III, AND THAT'S WONDERFUL.
BUT IT'S NOT LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.
LAST NIGHT, IRAN FIRED 22 MISSILES AT TWO MILITARY BASES
IN IRAQ WHERE AMERICAN TROOPS ARE STATIONED.
THE ATTACK HAPPENED AT 5:30, AND FOR HOURS, WE KNEW NOTHING.
THEN AT 9:45 P.M. EASTERN TIME, OUR COMMANDER IN CHIEF TWEETED
AT A WORRIED NATION, "ALL IS WELL!
( LAUGHTER )
TWO MILITARY BASES LOCATED IN IRAQ.
ASSESSMENT OF CASUALTIES AND DAMAGES TAKING PLACE NOW.
SO FAR, SO GOOD!
WE HAVE THE MOST POWERFUL AND WELL EQUIPPED MILITARY ANYWHERE
IN THE WORLD, BY FAR!
I WILL BE MAKING A STATEMENT TOMORROW MORNING."
WELL THERE TTHERE IT IS.
NOTICE YOU KNOW.
SO IMPORTANT, SO IMPORTANT.
RIGHT THERE IN BLACK AND WHITE: REASSURANCE FROM THE COMMANDER
IN CHIEF THAT THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO WORRY-
>> ALL IS WELL!
>> Stephen: OH, NO!
IT'S "THE LATE SHOW'S ALL IS WELL" ALARM!
JON, QUICK!
GET THE HAPPINESS FOOTBALL!
QUICK!
DO YOU HAVE YOUR KEY, JON?
>> Jon: YES, YES.
>> Stephen: INSERT YOUR KEY.
INSERT YOUR KEY.
ON MY MARK...
3...
2...
1..
( ALARM STOPS ) >> Stephen: GOOD WORK, JON.
>> Jon: MAN!
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON, GOOD WORK.
( APPLAUSE )
IT'S OKAY.
WE'VE ACHIEVED "DEFCON FINE."
( LAUGHTER )
SOLEIMANI STRIKE, TRUMP TWEETED A LOW-RES IMAGE OF AN AMERICAN
FLAG.
AND I GUESS TO DRIVE HOME THE POINT THAT THIS WAS RETALIATION,
AN IRANIAN OFFICIAL TWEETED THIS:
THEY'RE FIGHTING WITH CLIP ART.
CAN IT'S MEME-- IT'S MEME WARFARE.
TRUMP WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO HIT BACK WITH, "EHRMAGERD, WE'RE
AT WEHR!" NOPE!
NOPE!
DON'T SPOIL ME.
THEN, AS PROMISED, THIS MORNING, TRUMP EMERGED TO ADDRESS A
WORRIED WORLD FROM WHAT LOOKED LIKE A LIVE NUCLEAR REACTOR.
( LAUGHTER )
STATEMENT WITH A WEIRDLY ABRUPT GREETING.
>> AS LONG AS I AM PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, IRAN WILL
NEVER BE ALLOWED TO HAVE A NUCLEAR WEAPON.
GOOD MORNING.
( LAUGHTER )
STRANGE HELLO.
( AS DENTIST )
YOUR FILLINGS WILL NEVER BE COMPOSED OF MASHED-UP, OTHER
PEOPLE'S TEETH.
HELLO, I'M DR. DITWORTH."
>> Jon: OH, MY GOSH.
>> Stephen: TRUMP WAS QUICK TO DLAIM VICTORY.
>> IRAN APPEARS TO BE STANDING DOWN, WHICH IS A GOOD THING FOR
ALL PARTIES CONCERNED, AND A VERY GOOD THING FOR THE WORLD.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "IRAN APPEARS TO BE STANDING
DOWN.
AND THANKS TO AN ELABORATE SYSTEM OF ROPES, PULLEYS, AND
MIRRORS, I APPEAR TO BE STANDING UP."
( LAUGHTER )
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, DAVID COPPERFIELD."
( APPLAUSE )
OLD REFERENCE.
OF COURSE, IT WOULDN'T BE A TRUMP SPEECH WITHOUT SOME
MISS-SPEACHING.
>> THE CIVILIZED WORLD MUST SEND A CLEAR AND UNIFIED MESSAGE TO
THE IRANIAN REGIME: YOUR CAMPAIGN OF TERROR, MURDER,
MAYHEM WILL NOT BE TALA-RIDED ANY LONGER.
AMERICA'S ACHIEVED ENERGY INDEPENDENCE.
THESE HISTORIC ACCOMPLAMENTS...
CHAINS OUR STRATEGIC PRIORITIES.
IT.
>> Stephen: REST EASY, AMERICA.
THAT IS THE MAN DECIDING WHO LIGS AND WHO DIBES.