Look, I'm all for second chances, but...I don't know. I mean, if someone does something
that's just absolutely despicable...we don't give 'em a second chance. We throw 'em in
prison. Mortal Kombat for the Game Boy should be thrown in prison. It's one of the worst
Game Boy games. One of the worst video games. It's worse than I ever imagined a game could
be.
If video games were people, we'd put it to death.
I'd put it to death, with my own hands.
Some kind of fatality. Point is, Mortal Kombat did not deserve a second chance on the Game
Boy. And yet I gave it one. That's because I'm an incredibly kind and understanding person.
And guess what. This one, I don't want to murder with my own hands, as badly.
That's how f*cking understanding I am.
So after the first game was released in 1993, and proceeded to suck so hard that it split
up Czechoslovakia...it seems Mortal Kombat learned its lesson. Because this one doesn't
suck nearly as much. Like, no European countries dissolved, over this sequel. That's progress.
Speaking of progress, uh...this game actually responds when you push buttons.
Talk about progress. Wonder how many meetings that took.
Like, "Oh, anyone have an idea for the sequel? How about you, Frank?"
"Well, sir, I had this crazy idea where things happen, when you push buttons."
"Holy sh*t, Frank. Where'd you get that idea?"
Meanwhile, I'm in the corner, slippin' a Mickey into the water cooler.
That game sucks, you guys.
So if you didn't see my review, uh...the first game's problems were mostly technical. Like,
I'm not sure I've ever seen a game run as poorly as the first Mortal Kombat for the
Game Boy. The graphics were bad enough, but the animation was even worse. To the point
where the game was almost unplayable. Fortunately, that was fixed for Mortal Kombat II.
And it's not just the animation. It's every aspect of the presentation. The menus are
nicer, the backgrounds are better...and the sprites are a huge improvement. You can actually
recognize who these characters are supposed to be. No more...anonymous ass beatings.
Which are the worst kind, of ass beatings.
Unless you're the one beating the ass. Which...I am never that guy.
So you can play this one. It works. Sounds like a small step, right? Listen, I've learned
to take nothing for granted, when it comes to video games. When video games suck, they
suck harder than even scientists can measure. I guess you don't know everything, Neil deGrasse
Tyson. Anyway, as improved as the sequel is, in terms of presentation and playability,
it still has problems. Specifically, it's not much of a package.
I mean, there are a few more fighters than the original, but there's still only a couple
backgrounds. The music and sound still sucks. And once again, your only gameplay option
is the one arcade mode.
And even for 1994, that feels pretty thin.
I guess with games like this, you kind of have to lower your expectations a bit. Based
on its predecessor, Mortal Kombat II is a goddamn triumph. It plays better, it controls
better...like, it's actually a game you can play and kind of enjoy. That's something.
But at the same time, there's not a whole lot to do, and it's still way better on other
platforms, so. Maybe for collectors, it's worthwhile? Or, like...as some kind of learning
tool, about charity?
And forgiveness?
Then again, you can turn people into ice and smash them into pieces in this game. There's
no button for forgiveness. I wish there was a button for gratitude, though. 'Cause I'd
push the hell out of it, for Morgan from Clarksville, Tennessee. Thanks for sending this to show,
Morgan.
Hopefully, Mortal Kombat II inspires kindness in others, as well.
Now excuse me while I go this ing.