Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic.
I remember it so you don't have to.
I'm here in Oak Park, Illinois,
where we are witnessing the largest gathering in Illinois, if not the United States,
of Harry Potter fans, who have all gathered here together,
to celebrate the release of the new Harry Potter book:
"Harry Potter and the Dorky Hallows".
Er-uh, "Deadly Hallows".
[Still wrong bro, it's "Deathly Hallows"]
Literally thousands of children, parents, and very lonely adults
have come out here to see
what J. K. Rowling has farted up this time.
Harry: Exactly.
Now I know what you're thinking:
"How is this a nostalgic event?"
Well, when you think about it, there's actually a lot of nostalgia value here.
Years from now, children are gonna be looking back at this cherished day
and be asking one question:
"Why did I wait hours in line for a book that I am most likely gonna sell at a garage sale?"
(“Double Trouble” from Prisoner of Azkaban plays): ♪Double, double, toil and trouble♪
♪Fire burn and cauldron bubble♪
♪Double, double, toil and trouble♪
♪Something wicked this way comes!♪
Alright, so what exactly is your job here tonight?
-Making sure that everyone's in the right line, in the right place,
and that nobody's fighting over their spot.
-Have any brawls, fights broken out yet? -We’ve had some... arguments!
-No, I mean, you know, BRAWLS? -No brawls, no fists! No, no fists.
-You haven't had to break out the Harry bats? -No, no, no Harry bats.
Do you HAVE Harry bats?
*laughs* I hope not!
*Double Trouble plays*
They actually have a Potter's Butter Beer.
Because nothing celebrates the release of a children's book...
...like getting plastered off your ass!
*Double Trouble continues*
This is Griff, this is a baby griffin.
It's actually my daughter's...
NC: That's your daughter?
Nononono, *laughs*, this is not my daughter.
NC: Oh, okay! I was gonna say, 'cause the father musta... hahaha, yeah!
Well, uh... we won't go into that.
Hagrid: You’re meddlin’ in things that ought not to be meddled in!
NC: Does he bite at all? -Oh, no, no. He’s young.
NC: AGHAGHAGHAGH!! GET THE—
♪Double, double, toil and trouble♪
♪Fire burn and cauldron bubble♪
♪Double, double, toil and trouble♪
♪Something wicked this way comes!♪
Everybody's dressed up here.
I haven't seen so many wizards and fairies...
...since last year's Gay Pride Parade.
Now, there's a rumor going around
that you're actually the son of Mary Poppins and Where's Waldo.
What do you think about that?
Harry: SHUT UP!
NC: This is a very exciting stage production that they’re doing, it’s called, uh…
"Harry Potter and the Winding Up of the Electric Cord".
As you can see...
...he's a method actor.
Snape: Fame isn’t everything.
So I gotta ask you, um...
What poor sheep died to give you that beard?
*thinks "this fricking guy"*
I have, uh, some Harry Potter Jelly Beans.
The funny thing about Harry Potter Jelly Beans is that—I'm not kidding—
there's a vomit-flavored bean in here.
Which I find kind of ironic, because really, eating ANY of these jelly beans
creates kind of a vomiting sensation.
Hagrid: Looks like he’s gonna be sick!
*retches*
Okay, what bathroom rug gave up its life to give you that beard?
*thinks "don't make me kill you"*
Alright, so I'm here with the very first people in line for the Harry Potter book.
Now, how long have you guys been here?
-Yeah.
Hagrid: Codswallop!
*laughter*
Gandalf! Thank God, look, these, uh, these Harry Potter people are a little WOOHOO!
How's it goin'? How's Frodo?
Gandalf: Oh, he's doing very well, very well.
How's him and Sam? How's the... you know?
You saw the movie, come on! I mean, him and Sam were...
Gandalf: He’s in the Grey Havens.
Is that what they're calling it? The "Grey Havens"? -Yeah, yeah.
Gandalf: One fantasy land to another fantasy land—
Did Gandalf wear glasses?
Hagrid: No more questions!
I have to admit, I admire you that, you know, you'd wait here for a whole...
thirteen minutes and everything...
NC: Scoot over, scoot over… -I will KILL you!
...yeah, alright.
First one to get the book!
NC: Is he gonna turn me into a toad?
Yeah, let's go before he shoots us.
*Road Runner beeps, zooms off*
I'm here at the end of the line for the Harry Potter book...
these are the poor, unfortunate people who will most likely NOT get a book...
...because they are the last in line.
But you're lucky, 'cause I have something very special for you:
These are, uh, Harry Potter CliffNotes.
Now they usually go for about a thousand, but you know, I like you guys, you look very straightforward.
So, um, I'll give them to you for, uh, two thousand...
...and, uh, your first-born child.
Alright, alright, SECOND-born child.
I'll take it.
SUCKERS!
*Benny Hill theme*
Alright, so I'm here with the Mugglenet.com people, am I right?
You guys talk about all sorts of, uh, theories and conspiracy theories
about Harry Potter and so on, so forth, correct? -Correct.
Did Harry cause 9/11?
Is he responsible for the War in Iraq?
That means yes, that means yes.
Harry caused the War in Iraq!
E-mail them—that address, right there—e-mail it to 'em, send angry letters!
I am? Wait, get a shot of his mouth.
NC: *high-pitched* Harry caused the War in Iraq!
See? You heard it right here, you heard it right here!
Yeah, they're CliffNotes. You want 'em?
I'll sell 'em to you for a thousand... pennies.
Hagrid: That’s top secret, that is.
Well, it's about 10 minutes until the books are about to be released...
...let's go look at the lines!
♪Eye of newt and toe of frog♪
♪Wool of bat and tongue of dog♪
♪Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting♪
That was the line for the books that were NOT reserved.
This is the line for the books that ARE.
*Also sprach Zarathustra (2001 theme) plays*
It's like ten times longer! I mean, what the hell?
It's RESERVED!
Isn't that the idea of reserving a book, so you don't HAVE to stand in line?
Is that some kind of, like, Hogwarts logic? I mean, it makes no sense!
I think it's because Americans are proud of waiting in line.
I don't know why, we just get a sick thrill out of it.
Standing in one spot is not hard.
Anyone can do it. I can do it. Watch!
You see?
Now gimme a book.
Ten minutes! Ten minutes! Come on!
Eight, eight minutes!
In Hogwarts, it's twelve o'clock!
^IDIOT^
*Benny Hill theme*
Hagrid: I shouldn’t have said that.
Alright, it's two minutes to the Harry Potter book.
I don't know if there's anything, really, to be excited about.
*crowd cheers*
They seem to be excited. We'll just see how it goes.
(Guy on megaphone): One minute right now.
One minute.
Crowd: TEN!
NINE!
EIGHT!
SEVEN!
SIX!
FIVE!
FOUR!
THREE!
TWO!
ONE!
*the Critic decides to ditch these losers and go get a drink—*
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111
*screeching continues*
*fangirling intensifies*
*minus infinity dignity points*
*refractory period sets in*
Hermione: That’s totally barbaric!
NC: Well, first of all, I apologize for the reaction I had before.
I was just... vocalizing my disgust for the entire thing, it's just totally revolting, but uh...
Here it is, here's the copy! "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows".
Man, I'm looking forward to hundreds and hundreds of pages to see how this turns...
*spoiler alert for a decade-old book*
♪Something wicked THIS WAY COMES!♪
*Captions provided using transcript from Channel Awesome Wiki (and best guess from ears) as reference. NC rocks*