( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY!
THERE YOU GO!
OH, MY GOODNESS.
JON, I GOT TO POINT OUT-- I GOT TO POINT OUT TWO THINGS, TWO
QUICK THINGS.
ONE IS I'M VERY EXCITED OF OUR GUESTS TONIGHT, ELIZABETH BANKS
AND JORJA FOX.
VERY EXCITED ABOUT IT.
THE SECOND THING IS THAT, JON, I NEED YOU TO CALM ME DOWN HERE,
BECAUSE-- AND I'M NOT GOING TO SAY WHY-- I HAVE A SUDDEN
FEELING THAT THE LORD IS ABOUT TO CALL ME HOME
♪ AMEN ♪ >> Stephen: PERHAPS ACROSS THE
RIVER JORDAN.
WHY ARE THERE ANGELS ON THE STAND WITH YOU TONIGHT?
THEY SOUND AMAZING, BUT I'D LOVE TO BE INFORMED
( APPLAUSE ).
>> OH, YES.
FROM MY HEART... WE HAVE-- WE'VE BEEN PLAYING FOR THE ALBUM, AND
I HAVE SINGERS WITH THE IRREPESSIBLE JOY, TAMARA, DE Z,
AND SUSAN.
( APPLAUSE )
BEING HERE.
OF THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING US.
>> Stephen: FOLKS, IN THESE TROUBLING AND DIVISIVE TIMES,
THERE'S ONE THING ALL AMERICANS CAN AGREE ON: WE COULD USE A
DRINK.
BECAUSE ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, NEARLY ONE IN FIVE
AMERICANS IS CONSUMING AN UNHEALTHY AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL."
WHICH IS WHY I SWITCHED TO CARLO ROSSI: YOU BURN A LOT OF
CALORIES HOISTING THAT JUG TO YOUR MOUTH.
I'VE GOT HUGE BICEPS AND SIGNIFICANT SHORT-TERM MEMORY
LOSS.
WELCOME BACK.
HI, JON.
ELIZABETH BANKS IS HERE!
>> Jon: YES!
ELIZABETH BANKS IS IN THE HOUSE!
>> Stephen: WELL, IN RESPONSE TO THIS GROWTH IN THE GUZZLE
SECTOR, ALL SORTS OF UNEXPECTED BRANDS HAVE STARTED LAUNCHING
THEIR OWN ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES, SO MUCH SO THAT, ACCORDING TO
INDUSTRY EXPERTS, LINES ARE BLURRING ACROSS THE BEVERAGE
INDUSTRY.
WARNING: IF YOUR LINES ARE BLURRING, YOU MAY HAVE HAD TOO
MUCH BEVERAGE INDUSTRY.
( LAUGHTER )
BOTH TRENDS AND ALCOHOL, SO I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT BOTH IN MY
SEGMENT "BOOZE NEWZ."
>> EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT...
>> BOOZE NEWZ!
>> Stephen: IN BOOZE NEWS, THE FAST-FOOD CHAIN SONIC IS TURNING
ITS SLUSHES INTO HARD SELTZER FLAVORS-- PERFECT FOR WHEN YOU
WANT TO GO TO SONIC BUT ALSO WANT TO FORGET YOU WENT TO
SONIC.
THE HARD SELTZERS SHOWCASE ALL YOUR FAVORITE SONIC SLUSH
FLAVORS, LIKE CHERRY LIMEADE, MANGO GUAVA, AND OCEAN WATER.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU GET A MOUTHFUL OF OCEAN WATER,
THE FIRST THING YOU THINK IS, "MORE OF THAT, PLEASE."
( LAUGHTER )
ANYONE WHO EVER SAID, "I WISH THIS WINE TASTED LIKE MUSTARD,"
BECAUSE GREY POUPON HAS INTRODUCED A WINE MADE WITH
MUSTARD SEEDS.
OH SURE, WHEN GREY POUPON DOES IT, IT'S "HIGH CONCEPT," BUT
WHEN I DUNK MY HOTDOG IN A BUCKET OF WINE, IT'S A "CRY FOR
HELP," AND I'M "ASKED TO LEAVE THE STADIUM."
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS!
>> Stephen: NEXT UP IN THE DECANTER, PEPSI HAS PARTNERED
WITH BOSTON BEER COMPANY TO CREATE AN ALCOHOLIC MOUNTAIN DEW
CALLED HARD MTN DEW.
( LAUGHTER )
THE VOWELS WERE ALL LOST IN A CUSTODY BATTLE.
NOW, YOU MIGHT BE THINKING, "STEVE, ARE YOU BEING FAIR?
ISN'T IT KIND OF NORMAL FOR FOOD AND BEVERAGE COMPANIES TO LAUNCH
ALCOHOL BRANDS?" WELL, SOME SUPER-WEIRD COMPANIES
ARE POPPIN' THE CORK ON ALCOHOL- BRANDING OPPORTUNITIES, LIKE THE
HALLMARK CHANNEL, FAMOUS FOR THEIR HOLIDAY MOVIES LIKE
"CHRISTMAS NEXT DOOR," "A PRINCESS FOR CHRISTMAS," AND
"A SHOE ADDICT'S CHRISTMAS."
SHE SNORTS A RAIL OF GROUND-UP JIMMY CHOOS.
IT'S SAD.
WELL, NOW THE HALLMARK CHANNEL IS LAUNCHING A HALLMARK CHANNEL
WINE CLUB THAT DELIVERS ON THE HALLMARK CHANNEL LIFESTYLE.
AND BASED ON THEIR MOVIES, I ASSUME IT'S ALL WHITES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WELL, THIS--
WELL, THIS BOOZE-NANZA HAS GOT ME THINKING: I LIKE DRINKING AND
MAKING MONEY AND MAKING MONEY FROM DRINKING, WHICH IS WHY I'M
PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THE NEW "LATE SHOW WINE CLUB."
REMEMBER: IT'S ALWAYS 11:30 SOMEWHERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"LATE SHOW WINES" PAIR PERFECTLY WITH OUR SHOW.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY OUR MONOLOGUE MERLOW.
IT'S TOPICAL, WITH NOTES OF POP CULTURE REFERENCES YOUNG STAFF
MEMBERS HAD TO EXPLAIN TO ME...
CHEUGY.
AND FOR SOMETHING LIGHTER TRY OUR PINOT GUESTIO.
AM I TALKING TO ELIZABETH BANKS TONIGHT?
DRINK ENOUGH OF THIS, AND YOU'LL THINK YOU ARE, TOO.
( LAUGHTER )
CLUB" TODAY.
WHY JUST WATCH TV, WHEN YOU CAN STREAM IT RIGHT INTO YOUR
MOUTH.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ELIZABETH BANKS.
♪ ♪ ♪