>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME JASON BATEMAN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THEY DO THAT FOR EVERY GUEST.
THEY DO THAT FOR EVERY SINGLE GUEST.
>> Stephen: THEY DO NOT.
THERE IS NOT A STANDING O FOR EVERYBODY.
>> HOT SEATS.
>> Stephen: WE HAD A LITTLE MOMENT THERE.
VERY NICE.
SHOOK HANDS, FELT IT, WENT IN FOR THE HUG.
>> I SAW IT IN YOUR EYES.
I'M NOT GOING TO RUN FROM IT.
>> Stephen: A LOT OF PEOPLE SAID I HAVE VERY NEEDY EYES.
>> THEY'RE HUGGY EYES, TO ME.
>> Stephen: WELL, HEY, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
CAN WE DO MERRY CHRISTMAS?
>> WHAT'S TODAY?
>> Stephen: DECEMBER SOMETHING.
>> THE 25th?
>> Stephen: NO.
BUT WE'RE IN ADVENT.
WE'RE ON OUR WAY.
WE'RE ON THE GLIDE PATH TO CHRISTMAS RIGHT NOW.
YOU'RE PROMOTE AGO MOVIE CALLED OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY.
YOU BROUGHT THE JINGLE BELLS WITH YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU GOT THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS
PARTY MOVIE AND MANAGED TO GET A DECEMBER RELEASE.
THAT IS KEY.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: DOESN'T PLAY AS WELL IN FEBRUARY.
>> NO, IT DOESN'T.
BUT, YEAH, NO, IT'S A VERY GOOD MOVIE.
GO SEE IT.
GOT THAT OUT OF THE WAY.
>> Stephen: WE'LL GET TO IT.
WE'LL GET TO IT?
LET'S RUN A CLIP!
>> Stephen: DO WE HAVE ANOTHER CLIP?
>> THERE'S A GOOD ONE OF ME WITH SANTA CLAUS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A REALLY GOOD ONE.
HEY, I HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE AND I LOVE IT.
>> YOU DON'T GET B.S. ON THE SHOW.
>> Stephen: I WON'T BLOW THE SECOND-HAND SMOKE UP YOUR AS.
>> I LIKE THE FIRSTHAND UP MY AS.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
I FIND THE SECOND HAND IS A LITTLE MORE FILTER, SMOOTHER.
>> SURE.
>> Stephen: BUT THE GUY YOU SWIPE THE CARD ON THE
SANTA CLAUS THERE, IS THAT HI JINX OR SHENANIGAN.
>> SHENANIGAN.
>> Stephen: DOES SANTA TAKE YOUR NUMBER AND GO ON A RAMPAGE?
>> NO, BUT GOOD IDEA FOR THE SEEK WELL.
THE MAZEL TOV MARCH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: ONE OF THE THINGS
THAT CHRISTMAS BARTERS -- DO YOU GO TO CHRISTMAS PARTIES, BY THE
WAY, IN YOUR BUSINESS?
>> I HAVE BEEN.
THEY'RE HOLIDAY PARTIES OUT IN LOS ANGELES.
>> Stephen: OH.
YOU CAN'T SAY CHRISTMAS OUT THERE.
>> Stephen: CHRISTMAS PARTIES BACK EAST, MY FRIEND.
>> YEAH.
( CHEERING ) YOU HAVE A VERY GOD-FEARING
AUDIENCE RIGHT THERE.
I LOVE THIS.
>> Stephen: WE'RE GETTING READY FOR THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY.
IT'S GOING TO BE MERRY CHRISTMAS 365 DAYS OF THE YEAR.
ALWAYS CHRISTMAS IN THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY, MY FRIEND.
( APPLAUSE ) >> DO YOU GUYS HAVE A HOLIDAY
MIXER HERE?
>> Stephen: DO WE CALL ATE CHRISTMAS PARTY?
WE HAVE A WINTER FESTIVAL.
BUT WE HAVE A CHRISTMAS PARTY A WEEK FROM THURSDAY.
>> YOU'RE GOING TO GET SUED BY SOMEBODY JEWISH.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
IT NEEDS TO BE A HOLIDAY PARTY OR ELSE --
>> Stephen: OH, WE ALSO HAVE A HANUKKAH PARTY.
>> OH, WELL, THAT SOUNDS EXPENSIVE TO HAVE TWO PARTIES.
I LOVE MY HOLIDAY PARTY.
>> Stephen: DO WE HAVE A HANUKKAH PARTY?
I'M BEING TOLD I'M LYING.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY, SO, BUT THEY CAN CAUSE
TROUBLE, HOLIDAY PARTIES.
HAVE YOU HAD TROUBLE AT A HOLIDAY PARTY?
>> THERE WAS A SECTION OF MY LIFE WHEN I DRANK INTO A LOT OF
TROUBLE, WHICH ONE CAN DO.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS HAVE EXPERIENCED WITH ALCOHOL, BUT A
LOT OF MISTAKES CAN HAPPEN.
>> Stephen: IT'S THE DEVIL'S GATORADE.
( LAUGHTER ) IS IT IN YOU?
>> IS THAT NEW TONIGHT?
HAVE YOU USED THAT A BEFORE.
>> Stephen: NO, NEVER BEFORE.
WE'RE ALL GOING TO TAKE THAT INTO OUR LIVES.
THE DEVIL'S GATORADE.
WE HAVE TO GIVE STEPHEN CREDIT FOR THAT!
>> Stephen: MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
( APPLAUSE ) >> SO I'VE LOST MY PRIVILEGES.
>> Stephen: SO YOU DON'T GO TO HOLIDAY PARTIES?
>> NO, I JUST GO AND DRINK THIS WATER STUFF.
>> Stephen: SURE.
I'M ACTUALLY MUCH BETTER AT CONVERSATION THAT WAY, SO I
HEAR.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T REMEMBER THE NEXT MORNING.
>> I THROW UP A LOT LESS ON PEOPLE'S JACKETS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
AND, BOY, A BUNCH OF LIKELY BAD, DIRTY JOKES COME TO MIND.
BUT, YES, I GO -- >> Stephen: CBS.
HE SAID IT, NOT ME.
I GO TO AS MANY PARTIES AS I GET INVITED TO.
>> Stephen: DO YOU WANT TO COME TO OUR CHRISTMAS PARTY?
DO YOU WANT TO COME TO OURS?
A WEEK FROM THURSDAY.
DO YOU WANT TO COME?
>> YES, PLEASE.
>> Stephen: WELL, GREAT, WE WON'T START THE PARTY TILL YOU
GET THERE, JASON.
>> DO YOU GIVE A GIFT TO YOUR CREW.
>> Stephen: I GET EVERYBODY A GIFT YEAH,.
>> ARE THEY GOOD GIFTS, GUYS?
>> Stephen: ARE THEY GOOD GIFTS?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WOW.
WOW!
I MEAN, IT'S ONLY YEAR TWO OF THE SHOW!
I'M RAMPING UP!
I'VE GOT TO GET WAY BETTER GIFTS NOW!
I'VE GOT TO GO TO TARGET RIGHT NOW.
EVERYBODY GETS A CAR?
>> I'M SAYING A NICE CARD.
>> Stephen: OH, A NICE CARD.
THAT HAS JINGLE BELLS WHEN YOU OPEN IT UP, THINGS LIKE THAT?
>> GUYS, YOU WOULD LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE KIDS, RIGHT?
>> I HAVE TWO LITTLE GIRLS, TEN AND ABOUT TO BE FIVE.
>> Stephen: CHRISTMAS IS PERFECT FOR YOU.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE HOLIDAY TRADITIONS WITH THE
YOUNGEN'S?
>> JUST TRYING TO GET THEM THE RIGHT GIFT SO I DON'T GET ANY
NONSENSE THAT I MISSED THE MARK.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO THEY WANT?
YOU NEVER KNOW.
IT'S A MOVING TARGET WITH THOSE TWO.
>> Stephen: DO YOU DO THE LETTER TO SANTA?
>> WE DO THE LETTER TO SANTA.
YOU DON'T HAVE A LOT OF 10-YEAR-OLDS WHO WATCH THE SHOW,
DO YOU?
>> Stephen: I DO.
I HAVE THE MENTAL STATE OF A 10-YEAR-OLD, SO --
>> WELL, THEN I'LL ASK YOU, ARE YOU AWARE OF SANTA AND HIS
LEGITIMACY?
>> Stephen: YES, I UNDERSTAND THAT THERE ARE FORCES OF
DARKNESS IN THE WORLD WHO QUESTION HIS LEGITIMACY.
>> OKAY.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: BUT YES, JASON
BATEMAN, THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS, OKAY?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THERE IS?
>> Stephen: SO LET'S IMAGINE FOR A MOMENT THAT YOU HAD TO
EXPLAIN -- >> SO, SO SANTA'S GOT A GOOD
SIZE ON HIM, RIGHT?
SANTA'S FAMOUSLY -- >> Stephen: HE'S A HEFTY GUY.
WELL, LET'S BE KIND.
HE'S WARM.
TRAVELS IN THE NORTH, GOT TO KEEP IT BIG IS THAT YEAH.
>> SO THIS NOTION THAT HE COMES DOWN THE CHIMNEY, RIGHT --
>> Stephen: YEAH.
-- STARTS TO KIND OF STRAIN THE LAWS OF PHYSICS FOR A
10-YEAR-OLD.
9-YEAR-OLDS ARE GOING TO BUY THAT.
8-YEAR-OLDS ARE GOING TO BUY THAT.
10-YEAR-OLDS, IF YOU'VE GOT THEM IN A DECENT SCHOOL --
( LAUGHTER ) -- THEY'RE GOING TO START TO
WORK WITH A LOOK OF BETRAYAL WHEN THEY LOOK AT THEIR PARENTS.
>> Stephen: WE LIVE IN AN APARTMENT, LET'S SAY.
>> AT AN APARTMENT -- THAT'S RIGHT!
HOW DO THEY DO THAT THERE?
>> Stephen: COMES THROUGH THE VENTILATION.
THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
>> IT'S A HANDSHAKE WITH THE DOORMAN IN THE CITY HERE, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH, IN THE CITY, SANTA GREAT DEALS' THE
DOORMAN'S HAND, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
HE GIVES HIM A FINNER AND HE GOES --
>> SO OUT IN LOS ANGELES, THERE'S A WHOLE BUNCH OF CHIMNEY
B.S.
SO FRANNIE, WHO'S THE TEN-YEAR-OLD, SHE'S NOT DUMB AND
SHE'S STARTING TO LOOK AT ME LIKE THIS IS STRAINING THE
LIMITS OF WHAT SHE'S WILLING TO BUY.
SO WE GOT HER A BIKE A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO, AND I THOUGHT, WELL,
FOR SOME REASON, SHE MIGHT BUY A BIG FAT GUY COMING DOWN THE
CHIMNEY, MAYBE HE BRINGS LUBRICANT OR WHATEVER HE'S GOT
TO DO -- ( LAUGHTER )
I DON'T KNOW!
RIGHT?
HANG ON -- ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF TIME HERE, JASON.
I DID MENTION CBS, RIGHT?
I MENTIONED CBS AT ONE POINT IN THIS CONVERSATION.
>> DUDE, TO GET DOWN THE CHIMNEY!
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND!
I UNDERSTAND.
>> SO WE GOT HER A BIKE AND, YOU KNOW, IT DOES COME WITH ITS OWN
GREASE, BUT IT'S STILL NOT GOING TO COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY.
SO WHAT I DID IS PUT IT OUTSIDE BECAUSE I FIGURED SHE WOULD CALL
B.S. ON THAT.
SO I PUT IT OUTSIDE.
THIS DOESN'T HAVE A VERY FUNNY ENDING, SO GET READY.
>> Stephen: I HEARD THIS STORY.
IT'S FANTASTIC.
I LOVE HOW IT ENDS.
>> SO I PUT IT OUTSIDE.
I HAD TO GET FIRE WOOD FOR THE FIREPLACE BECAUSE SANTA'S DONE
WITH HIS LUBE JOB ON IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND I'M, LIKE -- AND I SAID, HEY, THERE'S A BIKE OUT HERE!
YOU CLEARLY CAN'T GET A BIKE DOWN A CHIMNEY, HONEY, SO HE
LEFT IT OUT SIDE.
IT SUNK IN BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY HE COULDN'T BRING A BIKE DOWN THERE
BUT OLD GREASY SANTA COULD SLIDE DOWN THERE!
>> Stephen: AND THAT'S WHY I BELIEVE IN SANTA!
MAKES TOTAL SENSE TO ME!
THANKS FOR REINFORCING ALL OUR BELIEF IN ST. NICHOLAS.
>> SEE WHAT KIND OF TERRIBLE FATHER I AM?
>> Stephen: NO, YOU'RE A WONDERFUL FATHER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY" IN
THEATERS NATIONWIDE THIS FRIDAY!
I'M GOING TO GO SEE IT!
JASON BATEMAN, EVERYBODY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪