Sunburn.
Seagulls.
Knife-wielding crabs.
Three very good reasons to spend absolutely no time outside this summer.
Thankfully, there are at least seventeen more excellent reasons to cancel your beach plans
this year.
Eighteen if you count the fact that you'll definitely get sand in your bathing suit area.
The summer of 2017 has some must-sees for anybody's list, so butter up your popcorn
and let's get your butt-meats in the theater seats for these blockbuster films.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
We're four films deep into the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and Johnny Depp's
Captain Jack Sparrow is still swashbuckling his way across the seven seas.
The newest installment, Dead Men Tell No Tales, will bring us one film deeper.
This time, the race is on to find the Trident of Poseidon, which gives its owner complete
power over the seas.
The notoriously creepy Javier Bardem appears as Jack's undead nemesis, and franchise favorites
Orlando Bloom and Geoffrey Rush are making a return to the series once more.
Also, watch out for a cameo by Paul McCartney in his second weirdest nautical film role
when the film is released on May 26th.
Baywatch
Let's be totally honest: no one ever watched Baywatch in the '90s for its stimulating plot.
No, it was mostly for the totally wicked Hulk Hogan jet ski accidents.
"Whooa, ohhhh, ah!
Ohhhhh, ah...oh!"
Now, the TV hit best known for its red swimsuits and slow motion running is back, this time
as a big-screen comedy.
Hey, it worked for 21 Jump Street, right?
"My name is Jeff."
Starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Zac Efron as lifeguards who have to stop a criminal
mastermind, and with cameos by original Baywatch stars Pamela Anderson and David Hasselhoff,
this film looks like a pretty good way to start your summer.
Hit the beach on May 26th.
Wonder Woman
On June 2nd, Wonder Woman finally gets a film of her own… and it only took like 76 years.
Seriously, how many Batman and Superman movies do we need before a lady finally gets a break?
A far cry from the spinning Wonder Woman of the '70s, Gal Gadot's turn as the superhero
has already proven that she can kick some butt and use her lasso like a boss.
Now, her solo film explores her Amazonian origins, and life during World War I. Plus,
Chris Pine has a history of making new franchises great, so his place in the cast is a great
sign.
The Mummy
Welcome to the Universal Cinematic Universe.
The….
Universal Universe.
The Cinematic Universal?
Actually, we're not totally sure what they're calling it yet.
On June 9th, Universal is getting into the universe-building game, creating a coherent
collection of movies from its classic monsters, beginning with The Mummy.
Frankenstein's monster, the Invisible Man, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, and probably
a Dracula or two will eventually come together to do whatever it is that monsters do — and
it all starts this summer.
Tom Cruise is a fantastic choice to lead a new action universe, and this film will feature
the first character crossover with Russell Crowe playing Dr. Jekyll, signalling a whole
monstrous world to come.
Hopefully this song will play over the end-credits of every one of these movies:
"They did the mash."
"They did the monnnster mash."
"The monster mash."
Cars 3
When the first teaser for Pixar's Cars 3 basically featured hero Lightning McQueen getting slow-motion
murdered by an accident on the track, you know you're in for a very weird ride.
The Cars franchise is getting into some pretty unexpected stuff, especially considering Cars
2 focused on 'Mater becoming a spy.
Who could possibly be prepared for the dark intensity of Cars 3?
Not the hundreds of crying children who just saw their hero's body parts flying in every
direction.
The film deals with Lightning McQueen getting aged out of his sport and trying to win back
acclaim from the younger, faster cars... which sounds like some pretty heavy stuff.
The original voice cast returns on June 16th, alongside Armie Hammer, Nathan Fillion, and
Kerry Washington.
Get ready to feel old.
Transformers: The Last Knight
When you hear Michael Bay, you think one thing: explosions.
"Michael Bay...splosions!"
On the tenth anniversary of the start of Michael Bay's Transformers franchise, we get his fifth
installment about shape-changing alien robots.
Don't take the "Last" in The Last Knight too literally, though.
Bay said it may be his last film, but Paramount is definitely making a Bumblebee movie and
will probably crank out more Transformers as long as the box office receipts keep rolling
in and the action figures keep selling.
"Optimus Prime is lagging!
Catch up with Soundwave!
Robots in disguise!"
In The Last Knight, Optimus Prime isn't exactly around, and it's up to puny humans Mark Wahlberg,
Anthony Hopkins, and Stanley Tucci to save the world from evil 'bots.
The film won't suffer from any shortage of action and explosions.
Because, you know, Michael Bay.
"Hi I'm Michael Bay, director of Hollywood hits such as Transformers.
And I demand things to be awesome.
Awesome pussy cat.
Awesome barbecue.
Awesome pool."
And there's even a badass girl fighter, if you didn't get enough of that in Logan.
Transform and roll out on June 23rd.
Baby Driver
Director Edgar Wright described his newest film, Baby Driver, as "a car movie fueled
by music."
It looks like a huge departure from his usual fare, which includes Shaun of the Dead, Hot
Fuzz, and Scott Pilgrim vs. the World.
Starring Ansel Elgort, Kevin Spacey, Jamie Foxx, and Jon Hamm, Baby Driver crashes into
theaters on June 28th, just a few weeks ahead of schedule.
Despicable Me 3
We get double the Steve Carell in Despicable Me's latest sequel when Gru finds his long-lost,
long-haired twin brother, Dru, who convinces him to return to his evil ways for just one
last heist.
And as always, there's going to be plenty of Minions, because that never gets old.
Never.
For real, prepare for a whole new wave of terrible Minion memes from your troubled Aunt
Gloria on Facebook.
In this third installment, cartoon mayhem is pretty much guaranteed.
Kristen Wiig returns, joined by Jenny Slate, and Trey Parker making a rare, non-South Park
voice appearance.
Prepare for supervillainy on June 30th.
Steve Carell hasn't had such an entertaining twin since Prison Mike.
"The worst thing about prison was the...was the dementors!
They...were flying all over the place and they were scary and then they'd come down
and they'd suck the soul outta ya body and it hoit!"
Spider-Man: Homecoming
We may be onto our third version of Spider-Man since 2002, but we're excited to see how Tom
Holland handles his own picture after his Peter Parker stole the show in Captain America:
Civil War.
So far, Holland has given the character his own spin while remaining true to the Spidey
that we all know and love.
With Robert Downey Jr. crossing over as Tony Stark, and Michael Keaton as The Vulture,
we can't wait to witness Spider-Man 3.0 on July 7th.
War for the Planet of the Apes
Monkeys and humans have been at war for hundreds of years — but this time, it's serious.
Caesar rides again in War for the Planet of the Apes on July 14th, and now, he's on a
quest for vengeance.
Woody Harrelson stars as the vicious Colonel, the leader of the human army, and director
Matt Reeves returns to the helm once again.
Though it might seem that this war would conclude the Planet of the Apes story, Reeves and producer
Dylan Clark say there will be room for plenty more Apes stories to come.
Hopefully, at least one of them will be a musical.
"I hate every ape I see, from chimpan-A to chimpanzee."
Dunkirk
It's true: there's at least one big film this summer that isn't a remake, reboot, or sequel.
Okay, yes, there was a movie called Dunkirk in 1958.
But this summer's version is all new, and comes from an original script by Christopher
Nolan, who's taking a break from sci-fi fantasy fare.
Nolan will also direct, with Dark Knight alums Tom Hardy and Cillian Murphy starring, as
well as Kenneth Branagh, and Mark Rylance.
It's the true tale of a difficult evacuation of Allied soldiers from the beaches of Dunkirk,
France.
This historical action-drama, filmed on location, seems like a great palate cleanser from the
rest of summer's fantasy fare.
You know, if you like to cleanse your palate with the horrors of war.
Check it out on July 21st.
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
Luc Besson, the guy who gifted the world with Milla Jovovich in thermal bandages in The
Fifth Element, is here to bring us another future-set action/adventure.
Based on the French sci-fi comic series Valérian and Laureline, the film is about a peaceful
civilization threatened with a great evil.
Time-traveling special ops heroes Valerian and Laureline are there to stop it.
World-building, ingenious aliens, and… shapeshifting Rihanna?
Yes, this movie has it all.
Besson knows how to make futuristic sci-fi, and Valerian seems to be no exception.
Get ready to save the universe on July 21st.
The Emoji Movie
"It's my pleasure to announce our first movie.
Yay."
Sure, making a film based on instant messaging symbols may sound odd, but with a pretty solid
voice cast, director Tony Leondis has figured out a way to make it work.
Probably.
Legendary comedian Steven Wright, who has always been the living, breathing Meh emoji,
is just one of the many inspired castings.
"Last night I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards.
Got a full house and four people died."
Other emojis include T.J. Miller, Jennifer Coolidge, Ilana Glazer, Maya Rudolph, and
James Corden.
Oh, and don't forget Patrick Stewart playing the illustrious role of Poop.
"Hahaha.
Hahahaha!
No!
NO!"
Honestly, that's enough reason to see this thing on opening day: July 28th.
The Dark Tower
This eagerly anticipated adaptation-slash-continuation of the Stephen King book series stars Idris
Elba as The Gunslinger and Matthew McConaughey as The Man in Black, arch-enemies battling
through an Old West dystopia.
Not exactly following the books, The Dark Tower sees The Gunslinger searching for, well,
the Dark Tower in order to give life back to his land.
After a delay to complete the film's visual effects, The Dark Tower will be premiering
on August 4th.
Annabelle: Creation
She's the creepiest doll since Chucky… and whatever this thing is.
"Hahahahahahahahahahaha-ahhahahahaha"
This summer, Annabelle is back to haunt your dreams, and now, we get to meet Annabelle's
makers, who are probably totally nice people.
Of course, all of the fun starts after they take in a nun and a group of children after
their orphanage closes down.
Surely, nothing bad will happen to them.
In a summer with very few horror films, make sure to check out this sequel on August 11th
to get your fright fix.
The Hitman's Bodyguard
It's a tale as old as time: the best bodyguard in the world has to keep a hit man safe so
he can testify at the International Court of Justice.
They also have to bring down a murderous dictator and somehow try to get along.
They're like the original odd couple.
"Ba duh ba-doo ba-dooo!
Buh-bu-duh duh-bu-duh...duh…"
Ryan Reynolds, Gary Oldman, and Samuel L. Jackson make this international intrigue action
film look like a late summer winner.
Don't get whacked until at least August 18th if you want to check this one out.
Polaroid
Norwegian director Lars Klevberg builds upon his 2015 short film of the same name with
Polaroid, which promises to creep your pants off on August 25th.
Starring Riverdale's Madelaine Petsch, Finding Carter's Kathryn Prescott, and X-Files alum
Mitch Pileggi, the story centers on an outcast teen who finds a vintage Polaroid camera with
some kind of terrible curse, since all the people who get their pictures taken come to
a horrible end.
If it's anything like the original short, you'll never want to say cheese again.
"Hey mouse, seh cheeese."
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