You and I have a very odd relationship
and I want to clue the listeners in.
I wanna say I met you in
was it '95, '96?
2002.
(laughing) You were way off!
(laughing loudly) Who am
I thinking of?
Who am I thinking of?
You're looking at me?
I didn't know you then.
I must have known someone else.
Bill Clinton?
I thought I knew you a lot longer than that.
No, a bunch of the Chicago writers had come
to your late night show back in the 90s
but I'd never even been to New York til 2002.
You first arrived in New York City in 2002.
Yeah. Okay.
I didn't do any research for this.
No, no you didn't.
You are...
Which guy is he?
It's Jack McBrayer.
Oh, Jack McBrayer!
Jack.
I just said it.
(all laughing)
A lot of people say they're Jack McBrayer.
Who?
This guy, Jack McBrayer.
Touche.
(laughing)
I've known you since, let's say 2002.
You come to New York and I've known you-
that's still a long time.
It's twelve years!
Not as long as I thought I knew you.
No?
I really thought I knew you since '95
but that's clearly someone else I'm thinking of.
But that's a long time.
And I don't think, and I'm being honest here
that you and I have ever had a long, real conversation.
(chuckles) Oh, you might be right, yeah.
Now, what do you think the problem is?
You.
Yeah, it's not him.
Yeah.
Mhm, hundred percent.
Well, hold on, let's get something straight.
First of all, describe what I do, which is-
Abuse.
Hold on, let me just- Okay, sorry.
Let me get to this particular type of abuse because
it's important to be clear.
Jack, I always
we go into- I go into schtick
where you are the country rube and I am the
cruel city slicker.
And we've been doing this since I met you.
And you've been to my house many times, yes?
Invited.
(all laughing) Yeah, I know.
I know.
And we've spent hours and hours together.
We're never- I'm never- real.
And part of the problem and I just wanna say this
to Matt and Sona is that he is so good at playing his part.
Yes!
You always go into, "Sir, I did."
"Well, please, sir, you are wrong, sir."
And that keeps me going.
Now that's- You have to admit
that you. That's victim blaming.
Yes, yeah.
That is victim blaming.
Oh, that's your contribution to that argument?
(Sona laughing)
Jesus.
That is victim blaming.
I don't know what law school you went to.
Repeat with emphasis law?
I have to tell you-
(cohosts sigh) Excuse me?
Well, they said, "ugh."
(all laughing) Thank you.
And I agree. (chuckles)
He repeated with emphasis.
There you go.
So we've known each other a long time
and this is the kind of stuff that we do.
It's fun.
(Matt laughing)
And I ran into mutual friend, Mr. Jon Hamm
just the other day, and what did we talk about?
You. Me.
Yes, about the time you came backstage at one of my shows.
And I had a guitar on, strapped on and
I was doing my (cruel voice) "well, well, well
it's Jack McBrayer" schtick.
And you were saying, "sir, please, sir, no, sir."
And then I started to play Dueling Banjos theme
(hums tune) on the guitar.
And you started to clog dance against your will.
(Sona laughing)
Jon Hamm was chuckling about that memory.
And I remember
that because it showed up in a documentary
a critic for the New York times saying
"this is terrible Conan, his cruel side came out
and he forced Jack to dance by playing."
(laughing)
As if you have no control over what you do
when someone plays Dueling Banjos.
But that has been our dynamic, yes?
I don't know.
I did feel bullied then.
(all laughing)
Oh, yes!
No.
Listen, I don't-
Nice.
I am here to have a Not at all.
I am here to try and have a real conversation
with you, get to the real Jack McBrayer.
Not any of our old shenanigans
where I roleplay.
So let's go through, I do have research on the real you.
(scoffs)
It's true, I do.
You were born in Corn Cob, Georgia.
Okay.
Jesus.
Thank you for having me.
This was a lot of fun.
(laughing loudly)
Your father is a tractor.
It says here. My father's a tractor?
Like, an inanimate tractor.
Your mother is a corn silo.
None of this-
When you first came to the big city was on that bus.
"That bus?" (Sona laughing)
And you had a cardboard suitcase.
When you disembarked in New York
did you, or did you not step off the bus and go,
(imitates southern accent) "Gawrsh!
They sure made these buildings real tall."
Where did you research this?
You called an elevator a "moving room" for six years.
No.
And I did find my way out.
"They changed all the furniture around
between the time I got on and I got off.
It's completely different!"
Sir.
Is this true?
None of this is true.
Cardboard suitcase?
That's a box.
(Matt and Sona laughing)
I think I have the facts on my side.
I don't know.
You refused
to go on 30 Rock for a while
because you were afraid
"those cameras would capture your spirit."
Nah!
True or false?
Way false, extremely false. (Sona laughing)
You said to Tina Fey, and this is a quote,
"I'm gonna want my spirit back."
No.
The opposite.
No.
No. (laughter continues)
No, I'm a-
The car that you drove here in is made of husks
that were woven together.
True or false?
Very false.
There's not a corn cob car.
(all laughing)
Hey, I'm just gonna make a sort of symbolic button
and if at any time you press that
you can tag out and I'll just go to town.
Someone here explodes? Oh yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I'm real scared.
I'm just gonna get brutal.
So that's just there if you need it, okay?
Thank you.
If at any point the baby lamb gets scared
of the tiger, he's gonna tap out.
(Matt laughing)
And the wounded Black-capped chickadee
(Matt and Sona laughing)
is gonna leave its nest and come after me.
Unbelievable.