I do not have much luck.
I dated a city guy.
That was weird.
Took him out to the country.
You know how the cattails
grow alongside of the pond?
He saw that and
I saw him on the phone,
talking to his mother,
"You're not gonna believe it, Mom."
He goes, "They got corn dogs growing
"on the side of the highway."
(audience laughing)
I mean, I've tried everything.
I thought I was gonna
get myself a Harley,
I'm telling you,
I saw a woman on
a hot pink Harley Davidson,
she had five guys
huddled around her.
They're like, "Wow, babe,
"where'd you get the bike?"
She's like, "Mary Kay."
(audience laughing)
Isn't that crazy?
It's just unbelievable.
We try to do all kinds of things,
you know.
Somebody said,
"Sonya, why don't you get
"yourself an older guy?"
I had a sugar daddy last summer,
that was pretty wild.
He was sweet.
He was a 300 pound diabetic,
is what he was.
I just—
I could not give him the shots.
I'm a comedian,
not a nurse, you know.
My hands were shaking like I had a
Stevie Nicks reunion tour about
to happen with my tambourine.
♪ Wait a minute baby ♪
You know, I was like, wow.
Oh gosh.
I'm just—
It was too hard for me.
I wish I could play an instrument.
Anybody in here?
I don't know if you guys are
musically inclined, are you?
I love that!
I mean I can kinda fake my way,
kinda (making harmonica sounds).
You know, something that way.
(audience cheering)
You guys take me
camping with you.
All right, all right.
Yeah, either that or even a—
I'm kind of telling a little fib.
I did learn to play the recorder
in the Girl Scouts.
Anybody else?
Remember that one?
(making recorder sounds)
Yeah, loved to play that recorder,
it's you know.
It's so much fun. I just—
That was something
I always wanted to do,
is learn to play an instrument,
so that one I had down,
'cause you know,
I was a Girl Scout, I told you that.
It's kind of like music
you hear when you get a massage.
Do you guys ever indulge?
Do you?
You go get a massage, you know,
you got your face in
this little doughnut thing,
you know what I'm talking about?
You got your face in and—
(making recorder sounds)
You're just trying to relax, you know.
Do some deep breathing.
(making recorder sounds)
I love that wind instrument.
My therapist got relaxed,
because all of the sudden she
had her own winded instrument.
(blowing raspberries)
(audience laughing)
She did not just do
what I think she did.
Oh my word.
Oh no, now my sinuses
are clearing up.
(audience laughing)
What is this, aromatherapy?
I am not paying extra for that.
(making recorder sounds)
That's all I wanted to hear.
All I have is a little dog.
You guys dog people, cat people?
Mostly dog people?
Man, living in Chicago,
everybody, they had small dogs.
(dog noises)
Chihuahuas
(dog noises)
Maltese.
(making dog whimpering noises)
Biggest dog in my building
was a Beagle, like—
(barking)
I know, it's weird that I could
do these dog barks, I know,
(audience laughing)
but you know, it's just so crazy.
It had come in handy
and I'm just trying
to tell you guys, you know,
one night somebody tried
to break into my apartment
and I'm sitting there,
eating a bag of popcorn,
the window comes up and
I see this foot starting
to manage its way through.
You know what I did?
(barking)
(squealing)
(barking)
I should've messed with
that burglar, shouldn't I?
(neighing)
(audience laughing)
(making animal noises)
Thank you, guys, thank you!