So I was
21 when we met...
I was 23 when we got engaged and I was 24
when we got married.
We've been together for three years
at that point.
I probably would have said, Just hold on.
You know, hold on.
It's a wild ride.
When you think
about the first time that we met,
what do you remember?
Um,
I remember
being on a shit
ton of mushrooms and being 21 years old,
and I remember you dropping down on,
on your knees in front of me
and grabbing
my waist and me being in total shock
at who was this guy?
And
you just being really cute and
total magic. Just-
I remember
being so blown away by who you were
and what I saw you to be
in such a quick moment of time
that it seemed that
the facts of our meeting,
in the words of Brock Travis,
were completely inconsequential
to the amount of feeling
that I felt in the moment
and that I needed to pay attention
and I did.
And then I remember
knowing I was moving out to Atlanta
five days later after meeting you
That's what I think of.
Do you think I'm ready to be a parent?
Why or why not?
There's not an aspect of it
that I don't see you
not ready to embrace, whether it's
listening,
whether it's admitting that
maybe you didn't
do something quite right
and trying to do it better next time,
whether it's
just making sure that this child
feels so
unconditionally loved and supported.
There's not an aspect of parenting
that I don't feel like
if you don't
already innately
have inside of your being,
that you aren't ready
to just ebb and flow into.
So, yeah,
I think you're ready to be a parent
What do you remember from
the birth of our baby?
I remember a lot.
I remember a lot. I remember
the elation of when your water broke.
I remember
walking to try to move things along
and you having that insight about
everybody is someone's baby.
And for you,
any homeless person
you see, anyone
you ever see, they're someone's baby.
And I just
remember being so incredibly overwhelmed
with how simple
and yet profound that insight was.
I remember trying and trying
and trying and trying
for
50 hours and feeling so helpless
There was just nothing I could do.
Nothing I could do to move it along.
What has surprised you
about me being a father?
How much you want to do it
you so genuinely
so, so fiercely
want to be
with our daughter
as much as you possibly can.
I just- I see it, you know, I see you
literally like raising your hand
as quickly and as fast as possible
when an opportunity presents itself,
even if it's like four in the morning
and I'm tapping out
'Ben, take her!' and you're like,
come on, Naiya, let's go read
books in the living room.
And then you come back and you're like,
We just had the special time.
And it's the sweetest thing
I've ever seen.
And it's so sweet
seeing this
special, intimate relationship
that you two are building
as father and daughter and
and you,
You are- you want to do it so badly,
What's your favorite thing
about your mommy?
I love my mommy.
Yeah.? - Yeah.
Why do you-
why do you love your mommy so much?
Because
because... poop.
Because why?
Because poop.
when is the moment that you knew
you wanted to have kids?
I think you knew
we wanted to have kids before that I knew.
Way before.
And that's not-
So let me back up.
When I first met you,
I had just turned 21,
and I was like ready
to have 10 billion Benjamin babies
like right out of the gate.
I'm like,
this is going to be my trap him method,
I'll have all of his children
and it'll be perfect.
And we'll be together forever
and so on and so forth.
Like,
it was like the sexiest thing
I can conceive of in my hormonal 21 year
old body was to have all of your babies,
every single one of them
and
and then I started
to really unfold as my own woman.
And, you know, the timing of that
I think paralleled a lot,
really paralleled the beginning of
our relationship.
You celebrated these
aspects of myself I hadn't claimed yet
and I hadn't really looked at.
And you were really adamant about
how special
children was going to be and wanted-
what an experience it was going to be
and how different
it was going to be
and gave me the space of like, okay,
you know,
like, this is
this is a moment in our lives
where we can do this and bring it out,
bring it about gracefully.
And I knew I wanted to have kids
and I knew
I wanted to have kids with you.
More than anyone else
in the entire world.
Having your children
was something
that was incredibly exciting
and fulfilling
That child being the child of us.
And then it was that child being her,
being Naiya and falling in love
with who she was, not just what she was.
Which was your daughter, but who she was.
And that was a really amazing unfolding.
And it's happening again with number two.
You're telling me,
hey, there could be really
something special in
having two, this sibling dynamic,
these things.
I know you're better at flexing
that muscle than I am.
And so I'm trusting again,
even though I'm freaking out inside,
I'm terrified to some extent of
having a newborn.
And it's
so much work and it's so, so much service
and so much service of my body
and my time.
It's really scary
thinking about doing it again.
But I know that we can do it.
And I know that you're
seeing something again
that I'm not seeing fully.
So I'm trusting
and we're starting to try for
number two.
Sorry that was a really long answer.
In the hardest of times,
what made you choose to stay with me?
It's a good question.
Well,
this is really hard.
It's really hard.
It's
it's going back to a really,
really painful place.
And trying to connect to
how I was
how it was making decisions.
What I was thinking, what I was feeling...
really hard to do that
So angry.
It just
sounds fucked up to say
it was like
there was
there was just- there was a genuine
it felt like a genuine
sense of
of remorse.
Um...
it was that thread, that
thread of genuine remorse that I think
just led me without context and without
any of the stuff that was going on
reconnect to you
and
asking myself,
Is this a woman that I want to be with?
And it was: yes.
It was
yes.
And it's like, absolutely,
I don't want to be with her
if this is what our relationship
is like
but I absolutely want to be with
this woman, this person in front of me
right here, right now,
outside of all of these context.
Yes. I want to be with this person.
Now we need to see if we can make it work.
And that was the task ahead of us.
And we did
What's your greatest concern
with us having a second baby and why?
I think
my greatest concern is
is feeling further away
from you.
You know, my
my issue is feeling left out,
feeling seen and feeling appreciated.
And there's no question that
so, you know,
my experience with number one of
no matter how hard I try,
no matter how much time I put
in, I'm not the one who's wanted.
I'm not. Not the person.
I'm not the preference.
And, um...
part of me has been glad
that it happened to me.
'Cause I feel like it would have been easier-
It was easier for me than it
would have been for you.
But we're going into
like four years now of dealing with that.
And that has been so hard for me.
And one of my biggest
fears is having it be even worse.
It's down-
it's like
it was
two person club and it's like, okay,
I'm not a part of the two person club.
But a three person club?
I'm, I'm, I'm
even more fearful of feeling
even further apart.
We're- from feeling
as though I belong
to
the core, which is you guys.
What experience
are you looking forward to most
in the addition
of the new member of our family?
Getting to watch Naiya be a big sister.
You know? Like she's already saying,
I'm so excited for my baby.
It's already her baby.
If only it was that simple.
It's so sweet.
Yeah.
And that's the thing.
I just- I can't anticipate
is getting to watch this
sibling dynamic unfold
that feels like such an area of newness,
you know?
And of course, like,
you know, raising another child
with you and
having another little being in this world
that we can give, you know,
hopefully a really good start to life.
And just support all those good things,
hopefully raise
another good human being
that feels really meaningful
What do I do
and what does make you happy?
What do you do that makes me happy?
When you're silly it makes me happy,
when you make funny faces.
it makes me happy, it makes me smile.
And when...
I'm just a piggy.
Okay, the piggy needs to take a rest.
Piggy needs to take a rest.
Okay.
You did a really good job
What is a memory
that you never want to forget
from this past year?
I think it was four weeks ago
that we all got the flu
and you were on Naiya
and I was on
because he was inconsolable and
I remember just,
you know,
holding him
in the middle of the night and it's
completely dark
and we're just both burning
so hot and all I wanted to do is just
lie on my bed and sleep.
And I had this little baby who
was completely dependent on me,
you know, for his wellbeing and
and so time
and time again,
I got up out of that fucking bed
and I just stood there and rocked him
and held him
because it was the only
way he would sleep
and he would
just keep crying and crying.
And I just kept singing to him,
like, literally all night. Long.
I'm here with you.
I'm here.
I love you.
Mama loves you. Mama is here.
And we just,
you know,
we got through night after night
and just that sweet moment of
just feeling so fully this
that's like that
the depths of parental love.
Where is there
room for growth in our relationship?
In order to achieve growth
one must spend time on something.
Yes.
And that's- and that for me, as
I was just saying to you before,
just how much I miss you - yeah.
I just miss you so much.
I miss you so much.
And,
you know,
that's something
that I think we were really
I mentioned this the other night when
we passed by each other in the bathroom
at 12:15 a.m.
and it was the first chance
I gotten to really just
get to
take a moment
and just be present with you and I,
and I said that I missed you.
And, you know,
the other part
was the feeling of being back to back.
how do you explain
our connection?
I would describe
and I know I'm using a different word
than explain
but I would describe our relationship
as in that equation,
you know? Of luck,
you know, I met
this stunningly handsome, articulate
man who just lit me on fire
and who
I could think of
nothing less than wanting to be with for
every waking moment of my day.
And 15 years later,
I have put in
minute upon our upon day
upon year of work,
because I love you so much.
I love you so much.
You're worth every moment of effort
10,000 fold
and it is
it is a joy to live her by your side
and working
in our connection and to connect
with one another