[upbeat music]
Let's start with some breaking news.
Apparently widespread lying
and deceit may have some consequences.
And we are back with our breaking new coverage.
Just as opening statements were set to begin
in what was going to be a historic trial,
Dominion Voting Systems suing Fox for defamation,
lawyers on both sides reached settlement,
an absolutely enormous settlement.
A lawyer for Dominion announced
that Fox obvious paying Dominion $787,500,000.
-Wow, wow. -[audience laughs]
$787,000,000 that is a ton of money,
and Fox was already strapped for cash.
Tucker Carlson can only afford one facial expression.
[audience laughs]
And look, I'm glad there's some accountability here,
but still, I'm pretty disappointed
we're not gonna get a trial because all the
Fox anchors would have been forced to testify.
It would have been like the "Seinfeld" finale,
-but instead of, -[audience laughs]
instead of soup Nazis, it's just.
[audience laughs]
-[audience applauds] -[audience cheers]
Nazis.
Since Fox is gonna have to pay nearly a billion dollars,
they'll need to implement cost-cutting measures.
Sadly, they have to fire Brian Kilmeade's reading tutor.
[audience laughs]
Jeanine Pirro has to switch to the cheap box of wine.
[audience laughs]
Development on a third Doocy has been halted.
[audience laughs]
They're gonna have to switch
from Jesse Watters to tap waters,
[audience laughs]
and of course they're gonna have to put down Sean Hannity.
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers]
This weekend with the National NRA Convention,
also known as Cargo Pants Comic-Con, or,
[audience laughs]
or the Westminster Stepdad Show.
[audience laughs]
Now, people like to stereotype NRA members
as gun-obsessed whack jobs
who want to arm little babies, and the thing
about stereotypes is sometimes they're spot on.
[audience laughs]
I've got three kids, two son-in-laws,
and did you know that I'm also a grandmother,
not just once but twice?
I have two beautiful grandchildren,
little miss Addie, who is almost two,
and Branch, who's just a few months old.
Now, Addie, who, you know, soon will need them,
I want to reassure you, she already has a shotgun
and she already has a rifle.
[audience laughs]
And she's got a little pony named Sparkles, too,
so the girl is set up.
-Wow. -[audience laughs]
That's the governor of South Dakota bragging
about her two-year-old granddaughter owning guns, bold.
When my kid was little, I was covering outlets,
locking cabinets, and cutting grapes in half
because they might be a choking hazard.
[audience laughs]
Kristi Noem is like, "Here's a shotgun.
You're on watch tonight, sic semper tyrannis."
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
Look, I know liberals and conservatives don't agree
on much, but can we agree that you should not own a gun
if you don't know how to poop in a potty?
[audience laughs]
-[audience applauds] -[audience cheers]
[background noise drowns out speaker]
Please?
Although,
although it is adorable that she has a pony named Sparkles.
[audience laughs]
In fact, if you'll excuse me for a second,
I need to address Sparkles directly.
[audience laughs]
-[upbeat music] -[audience laughs]
Sparkles, this will not end well for you.
[audience laughs]
These people are clearly insane.
[audience laughs]
Run while you still can, there is no time for goodbyes.
-Go, go, my friend, go. -[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, look.
Look, to be clear, to be clear,
I'm not bringing up Kristi Noem
just to make fun of our grandkids.
I would never do that, they've got guns.
[audience laughs]
I'm bringing up Kristi Noem
because she gave us a great insight
into what creates the worldview of an NRA member.
My dad taught us life lessons.
He taught us common sense, and often those were taught
during our hunting trips.
For instance, I remember being only
about nine or 10 years old,
and we had hunted all day, miles and miles from camp
in the high country in the Bighorn Mountains
when my dad turned to me and he said,
"Kristi, hunt your way back to camp.
I'm gonna go around this ridge
and I'll meet you there at dark,"
and he disappeared over the ridge.
[audience laughs]
Now, to a 10-year-old girl, this was terrifying,
and as strange noises came and darkness fell,
I had to rely on my instincts and my horse
to find my way back to our tent.
[audience laughs]
Now, years later, Mom shared with me
that my dad had followed me
at a safe distance all the way back to camp
to make sure that I got there safe.
Now, before you get all warm and fuzzy on him,
[audience laughs]
I also want to tell you
that he made bear noises the whole time he was following me,
[audience laughs]
[Kristi laughs]
scratching trees and growling at me, so, you know.
[Jordan laughs]
[audience laughs]
What an adorable story about alcoholism.
[audience laughs]
Excuse me one second.
[audience laughs]
Seriously, Sparkles, this family is [beep] nuts.
[audience laughs]
Get out of there, trust no one.
Let's move onto something else
that's quintessentially American,
people losing their shit on airplanes.
We turn now to a Southwest passenger's outburst
over a crying baby that forced the plane
to land before its destination.
[Speaker] Lower that baby's voice!
[Reporter] This morning, it's a midair meltdown
of epic proportions aboard one Southwest flight,
but just from the baby on board,
but also from an adult passenger.
We are in a [beep] tin can.
[Flight Attendant] Okay.
With a baby
-in a goddamn echo chamber- -Okay, okay.
And you want to talk to me about being [beep] okay?
[Flight Attendant] Okay, because you're yelling.
So is the baby.
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
"So is the baby"?
I don't care what the situation is,
that is never a strong argument.
[audience laughs]
Oh, oh, so a baby can poop its pants in public,
but I'm getting thrown out of this TJ Maxx?
[audience laughs]
Yeah, this guy totally lost it.
I mean, somebody should have checked
their emotional baggage.
[audience laughs]
-[audience applauds] -[audience cheers]
It's Southwest, that's an extra 50 bucks.
Other states are waging kind of wars
against different, you know, parts of their population.
I think a lot of politicians just want to pick fights
and get headlines, and whether it's picking a fight
with Mickey Mouse or moving backwards
to the, you know, early 1900s,
it's so much easier to show up
and to listen to people and know what really matters.
So we're trying to make Michigan a place
where every business can thrive
and every person has rights and freedoms
to make their own decisions
and to live the life they want
and be successful here in Michigan.
You're progressive on guns, on abortion rights.
It feels like the Michigan hand, it's a welcoming hand.
It is, it's freedom.
It's freedom, if Michigan has a hand, what is Florida?
That looks like a.
What?
[Jordan] You know, it looks like a-
Okay, I'm not going there. [laughs]
I'm just saying, and it's, you're-
One peninsula.
It's one peninsula that's urinating
on our democracy at times.
Your words.
-My words, [laughs] fair. -[slow dramatic music]
Luckily, there are people out there doing the hard work
of real investigative journalism,
people like Bruce Willingham.
He runs the "McCurtain Gazette-News" out
of middle-of-nowhere Oklahoma.
Now, Bruce suspected that the local sheriff
and other officials were doing county business
after meetings ended, so he secretly recorded them,
and when he played the tape back,
he heard them talking about him and his son,
who is also a reporter, and it was not flattering.
[Reporter] The recording captured the group talking
about hiring hit men to kill the reporters
and where the bodies could be hidden.
[Speaker] I've known two or three hit men
that were very quiet guys.
[Speaker] Yeah?
[Speaker] And would cut no mercy.
[Speaker] Yeah.
[Speaker] Well, I know where two big deep holes are,
if you ever need them.
[Speaker] I've got an excavator.
[Speaker] Well, these are already pre-dug.
-Oh, holy shit. -[audience exclaims]
[audience laughs]
You can't threaten to kill journalists in a council meeting.
Keep that shit on Twitter like a normal person.
[audience laughs]
Although you can tell
that some people were a little more integral
to this plot than others
because one guy was like, "I know two hit men,"
and another guy's like, "And I know two holes."
[audience laughs]
Yeah, thanks for the contribution, Larry.
We'll let you know if we need
to use your connection with the holes.
[audience laughs]
And by the way, how strapped for time are people
in this town that they have to pre-dig murder holes?
[audience laughs]
Are you so [beep] busy that you can't do the hole
after you do the murder?
[audience laughs]
Or maybe it's like carrying an umbrella,
like, the day you don't have the hole is
when you end up killing someone.
[audience laughs]
Now, look, it would be bad enough
if plotting to throw local journalists into holes,
pre-dug or otherwise, was all that the county sheriff
and his friends were caught doing on these tapes,
but guess what?
They moved onto something else.
[Reporter] On that same audio recording,
the people talking shared their dismay
that lynching Black people is no longer acceptable.
[Speaker] Look, I'm gonna tell you something.
If it was back in the day
when that [beep] would take a damn Black guy
and whoop their ass and throw him the cell?
I'd run for [beep] sheriff.
[Speaker] Yeah, well, it's not like that no more.
[Speaker] I know, take them down to Mud Creek
and hang them up with a damn rope.
[Speaker] Yeah.
[Speaker] But you can't do that-
[Speaker] And the thing about it is-
[Speaker] They got more rights than we got.
[audience groans]
Wow, someone tell these cops
that they have the right to remain silent.
[audience laughs]
And you could tell this thing was gonna go badly
as soon as they said "back in the day."
No sentence in the South ever goes well
after the phrase "back in the day."
[audience laughs]
It's never like, "Back in the day,
we lived in a rich multicultural tapestry."
[audience laughs]
What's crazy is these reporters weren't even looking
for racism and assassination plots.
They were hoping to catch improper meeting procedures.
[audience laughs]
It's like if you put a security camera up in the office
to see which employee was stealing your yogurts
and you caught them doing a human sacrifice.
[audience laughs]
You'd be like, "Oh my God,
I've stumbled upon the most unholy rituals,
oh my God, they're eating my Chobani?"
You're gonna hopefully sell that inside?
Yes.
Do you need a license?
Can you just kind of go
-into the gun show and- -No.
You try to find somebody that wants to buy it
or you find what you want to buy.
And then if somebody's like,
"I'm interested, I'll buy it," then what do you do?
First of all, you kind of, like, look them over. [laughs]
Is that what a background check is here
-in Tulsa? -No.
I mean, this isn't where people are gonna come
to maliciously get guns mostly.
Why not?
I guess if I was like,
"I need to get a gun quick to do bad shit,"
this is actually exactly where I would come.
How much is that going for?
About 900.
What if I came up there and was like,
"I don't know, I've have a little bit of a rough day.
My wife just broke up with me
and I'm feeling a little on edge.
How much for your gun?"
Well, I ain't gonna sell it to somebody that looks stupid,
you know, or looks like he's, like, crazy as shit, you know?
What if I say the words of somebody who's crazy as shit,
but I look composed, like I do right now?
Yeah, I'd probably sell it to you.
Now, I don't want to spend every day this week talking
about guns, but this is America
and it's not giving me a choice,
because maybe you've noticed that a lot
of this week's gun violence had something in common.
They are the things that happen all the time,
a mixed up address, pulling into the wrong driveway,
or confusing one car from another,
yet remarkably, for a third time in a week,
seemingly innocent moments of confusion have led
to bloodshed, from Kansas City,
where a teen who approached the wrong doorstep is recovering
from two bullet wounds, to New York State,
where a 20-year-old woman was fatally shot
after the car she was in
accidentally drove up the wrong driveway.
And now in Elgin, Texas,
a high school cheerleader has been shot
and seriously wounded
after her friend apparently approached the wrong car.
[Reporter] Police say Peyton Washington
and Heather Roth were in a parking lot
when Roth opened a car she thought was one of their own
and saw a man inside.
Roth says the man started firing as she was apologizing.
Does anyone else watching these stories feel like
they're losing their goddamned minds?
[Audience Members] Yes.
I mean, call me old-fashioned,
whatever happened to asking a person one [beep] question?
Are you confused about why a stranger is at your house?
Before you open fire, open your mouth
and just ask them, "Can I help you?"
-[audience laughs] -[audience applauds]
It's not that hard.
[audience cheers]
-Look, -[audience applauds]
I know you have Second Amendment rights, America,
but you also have First Amendment rights, use them.
See, we're paying attention to them now.
[audience applauds]
We pay attention now because a few
of them happened in one week,
but what's wild is these wrong place shootings
happen all the time because America is a country
where every day too many people are armed, scared,
and end up using lethal force
because Google Maps didn't update.
[audience laughs]
I mean, what does it say when the most dangerous job
in America is Jehovah's Witness?
[audience laughs]
You know what?
You know how bad things have gotten?
Remember that couple in St. Louis, the McCloskeys?
[audience chattering]
A couple of years ago, they went out onto their front yard
and pointed their guns at protesters
and they got a lot of shit for it, but you know what?
They didn't fire on anybody.
And I never thought I'd say this,
but please, America, be more like these gun nuts.
[audience laughs]
And we haven't been showing men what they should be,
and that matters to young boys
who are looking for an identity,
for a narrative about what it means to be a man,
and that vacuum is being filled
by people with the worst possible idea of manhood.
[Reporter] Former kick boxer
and "Big Brother" contestant Andrew Tate, infamous
for being the self-proclaimed king of toxic masculinity.
Tate's core message centers around the belief
that masculinity is in the crosshairs and he's defending it.
His target audience, young men.
This whole idea
of being toxically masculine is complete garbage.
I think the most dangerous men on earth are the weak men.
Feel, feel, feel, feel,
leave the feelings to the girls, right?
That's what they do, we act, we're men of action.
Empowering females is the easiest way
to weaken the will of men.
Study, study, study, give up your whole life in school.
Then you get to be a doctor.
You can't even buy a [beep] sports car.
The problem with most of you is I am sitting here
with my sunglasses, bald head, millions of dollars,
with nearly unmatched fighting skills, I am Morpheus.
I need action, [snaps] I need constant chaos
in my life to feel content.
I need to be driving a super car
and [beep] fighting [beep] a bunch of [beep] champagne
and going crazy.
Okay, okay, okay, we get it, you have a small penis.
[audience laughs]
-[audience applauds] -[audience cheers]
I mean, even through the video,
you can tell this guy wears too much cologne.
[audience laughs]
And by the way, not to tarnish his sparkling image,
but Andrew Tate is currently under investigation
for human trafficking.
I know, it's always the first one you suspect.
[audience laughs]
Now, maybe you don't know Andrew Tate.
Maybe you're thinking, who is this porn parody Vin Diesel?
You may not know him, but trust me, your sons do.
[Reporter] With over 13 billions views on TikTok,
Tate's rhetoric is moving from online to the classroom.
So I'm a teacher and I teach sixth grade.
The amount of young 11-year-old boys
that have told me that they love Andrew Tate is ridiculous.
[Reporter] One teacher says she hears blatant misogyny
from the boys in her class,
hearing them say that girls belong in the kitchen
and only exist for reproduction,
and another claiming they talk
about alphas in sixth grade now.
One teacher in South London noticed
that his students were parroting Tate's ideology.
About a third of the 30 students in the class
passionately argued that women were responsible
for their own sexual assaults, one of Tate's top lines.
Wow, times have really changed.
When I was in sixth grade,
the most toxic role model for boys was Michelangelo.
[audience laughs]
He eats pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
That turtle doesn't give a [beep].
[audience laughs]
I mean, seriously,
how can you be misogynistic in sixth grade?
That's like the one year in life
where all the girls are bigger than you.
[audience laughs]
I wouldn't be running my mouth about Allison
if Allison could hang me by my underwear on the flagpole.
[audience laughs]
The solution to this problem is not to cancel Andrew Tate.
Interpol is probably gonna do that for us,
-[audience laughs] -[audience cheers]
because even if he disappeared,
[audience applauds]
even if he disappeared, someone else would take his place
and spew toxic shit at young boys just as well,
and social media algorithms would pump it
into young boys' eyes and ears just as fast,
because that's really all this is about.
Andrew Tate is not interested in being a role model.
He wants clicks for money.
He doesn't want to raise your son.
He's taken Dad's seat at the table,
but he's really the loudmouth uncle,
that uncle who seems cool when you're a kid,
but when you grow up, you realize living
in a hotel is not a vacation.
[upbeat music]
♪ Hey, hey ♪
[upbeat music continues]
♪ Hey, hey ♪