Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
'I always knew you were a comic'
We're looking at Frankenstein island, the last film of Jerry Warren,
who directed Face of The Screaming Werewolf...
and Teenage Zombies,
'Hello, Oh sheriff please, yes that's right the sheriff's office.'
So, has Mr Warren improved with age?
'I think you'll find just the opposite'
It's a big claim, but this maybe the worst Frankenstein film ever made.
‘Do you believe that?’
Four men are stranded on a desert island and immediately impress us with their intelligence
'Maybe we can build a raft'
You're holding a damn dinghy!
'What are you talking about?'
Since this is a B movie desert island its inhabited by an all female, all gorgeous, all in their early 20s, native tribe.
‘You are pretty’
Who serve the purpose that all B movie all girl tribes serve.
‘Perhaps some of you can serve to impregnate them to ensure future generations’
and who understand instantly how women are supposed to treat men.
But the only thing they tell us about the island is that there must be a lot of leopards here.
Or used to be.
'They have to be cut in half by machine guns.'
The girls have some strange rituals.
‘Come with us’
Which trouble the men far less than you would think.
‘What about your friend there’
‘come with us’
Ignore hammock girl she’s only after attention.
'That's ridiculous'
But this is only the tip of the weirdness iceberg.
‘I’m Sheila Frankenstein’
That’s weird.
'Actually it's Von Helsing, i don't preffer my married name.'
That’s weirder. But it’s not Van Helsing, it’s Von. Helsing, assistant to the original Dr
'The power shall be yours.'
played by John Carradine, almost literally phoning it in from beyond the grave.'
‘Dr Frankenstein controls this island’
‘Even though he’s dead?’
Yes, Frankenstein communicates with his great granddaughter from the beyond,
helping to keep her husband alive.
‘I am almost 200 years old’
via experiments on the local girls.
But wait! There’s more,
‘Are you saying aliens landed here some time ago?’
‘yeah that explains about the girls’
‘the girls are their direct descendants’
So, alien girls who pretend to be hammocks,
are experimented on by the great granddaughter of a dead but still chatty Frankenstein,
to save the life of his 200 year old assistant.
‘It’s not quite so bizarre as you might think.’
I don’t know about that.
‘Oh disciple of the golden thread’
No idea what this Golden thread thing is about either.
There’s also the chronic arm pain that manifests if you mention a place name.
'We had the worst tornadoes in Kansas city.. Owww.'
'What you got against Miami... Owww'
The man being embalmed in a bath tub.
And the pink purse spinning on its axis which is apparently some sort of scientific device.
Rather than go into the details of what happens because,
honest to crap, that raises more questions than it answers, let’s skip to the end.
'It's clear you hallucinated the whole thing'
The men escape. Leaving the girls behind to be further experimented upon.
‘We’ll come back for you! We’ll come back for you’
How gentlemanly.
They do return, bringing with them the might of the US Navy.
But when they get back
‘The house, the laboratory, they’ve completely disappeared’
Only the dog remains.
'Hey where you going?'
The explanation to which this dog leads had better be spectacular.
‘Oh’
Well that seems to mean something to them but it means as little to me as everything else in this movie.
‘Maybe it’s the brain we should destroy’
You’ve certainly destroyed mine.
More importantly, beyond the name, what has any of this to do with Frankenstein?!
This could be any dead mad scientist!
Yes 15 minutes before the end, they wheel out the monster for a lame fight sequence.
involving bad jujitsu in front of baffled onlookers.
Still, at least one person seems to be enjoying himself.
'Hahaha'
'Ha ha ha ha'
'Ha hahaha'
I'll have what he's smoking.
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While you wait for that, is this really the worst Frankenstein ever?
Are there worse ones? If there are let us know in the comments below?
'Punishments over huh?'