hey there this is clay I am the world's leading expert for high achievers on
breakups and this is relationship in a game and today we are talking about five
signs that the no contact rule is working okay so oftentimes people will
go out and they'll learn about no contact whether it's you know passive no
contact like maybe you've heard about other places or what we call active no
contact what we encourage people to do and you know for obvious reasons I
consider active no contact to be much more effective than passive no contact
otherwise I would not be suggesting it to people but anyway whatever form of no
contact you're doing here's how you can tell that it is working because
oftentimes people you know it's a little bit scary to go into no college like
wolves my ex going to forget about me is it's gonna work it's you know it's like
a long time this is really going to lead anyone am I just gonna waste my time all
that stuff so here's how you can know that no contact is working and the first
way you can know that it's working is that you're starting to come out of
damage control mode now immediately after a breakup a lot of people go into
damage control mode and what this is is you know it's like basically playing a
high-stakes game of emotional whack-a-mole right if you've ever been
to an arcade or anything like that and you've seen that game whack-a-mole
right you have like at this hammer and these like little moles come out of
these holes and your goal is to like whack the mole right but they just keep
coming up faster and faster and faster and eventually they come up so fast that
you lose right and it's kind of like that when it comes to being in damage
control mode you like what my ex does this oh my god my ex posted this thing
on Facebook my ex is dating this person my ex deleted their online profile or
put up an online profile on this dating website or whatever and it's just like
trying to manage all of these things trying to you know overanalyze things
trying to stay on top of everything trying to just sort of mitigate the
damage and just sort of control it in that way right and when you when you
start to move out of damage control mode and find this more spacious place this
place where you can be more emotionally accepting and start to respond rather
than react so to speak there's a bit of a distinction there response versus
reaction that is when you can start to know that
the no-contact rule is working right because when you react there's no real
thinking involved there's no real
planning or intentionality involved it's just like you know X post is at X post
and online dating profile freaked out right there there's like no space
involved in that whatsoever but if you can be like X post an online dating
profile you know yeah this clearly isn't what I want okay what can I do from here
okay this is what I want I'm going to go for it boom like that like when you can
start to have that space in between then you know you're starting to come out of
damage control none because you're not having that automatic emotional reaction
right so that is one sign that the no contact rule is working the second sign
that the no contact rule is working is that your emotional interactions with
other people in your life are starting to improve
now obviously other people could include your ex so you know if you're getting in
contact with your ex after doing no contact or something like that
and the connection between the two of you is improving and that's great right
but obviously do not base everything on the connection you have with your ex
also start to use your connections with other people in your life right because
the no contact rule is truly a healing tool it's a healing process right and so
it's not just about this sort of like calculated thing to get your ex back or
anything like that but anyway that's a topic for another video but if you can
notice that you're starting to connecting with other people empathize
more with other people start to tune in more to the emotional dynamics of things
that are happening around other people right this is where the advanced
relational skills that we talked about over on our website relationship in our
game really come into play you know when you can start to grasp those advanced
relational skills that we talked about that is when you can start to know that
you know active no contact in this case is really working for you right it's
kind of one of the big differentiators between active no contact and passive no
contact because during active no contact you're
actually focused on acquiring these advanced relational skills so that you
can change the way that you're interacting
other people and ultimately change the way that you're interacting with your ex
right so that is one of the you know ways you can know that no contact rule
is working okay the third way that you can know that no contact is working is
that you are not really analyzing things so much anymore you know oftentimes when
people are going through a breakup you know part of that whole damage control
mode is that you have to like really overanalyze everything it's like you
know my ex text me this what does this mean and you know is there some sort of
malice behind it so they trying to say that there that I should move on or
something like that right so you know when you can stop overanalyzing things
and just take things at face value or decided you know hey I don't need to
obsess over this or I don't need to like read between the lines between this or
all that stuff right that is when you can know that the no contact is starting
to work because you're starting to pull yourself out of these like thought loops
that go on in your head about you know what does this mean or this mean for me
what are they trying to say is there like some sort of secret communication
here and all that stuff right and this kind of builds into the fourth sign that
no contact is working and that's that you're living more in the present moment
okay so the less that you can pull yourself out of the present moment with
these thoughts whether they're you know these over-analytical thoughts or any
other kind of thing like fantasizing about getting your ex back regrets about
the past all that stuff and simply just live in the present moment enjoy the
present moment for what it is and not like you know resist it not complain
about it not not wish there was something else and not just sort of like
disengaging from it by overanalyzing things or whatever you know that is how
you can tell that no contact is working because you're starting to live more in
the present moment you're starting to do all that and the reason that this is
important is because that's where you can really connect with other people
it's in the present moment right you're not going to connect with people in the
future you're going to connect in the present moment right you know yeah you
might have plans to do things in the future and that's great but you're not
going to be connecting with them until that future moment becomes the present
moment so the more you can live in the present moment the better your ability
to connect with people is going to be right so focus more on living in the
present and you'll know that the no-contact rule
is really starting to work and the final sign that no-contact rule is starting to
work is that you're starting to have more neutral you shouldn't have a more
neutral perspective rather about your breakup right so oftentimes when we go
to a breakup there's a lot of judging involved whether it's judging of our ex
or drinking of ourselves or whatever right we might be like oh I can't
believe she did it I can't believe he did that or like I'm such a failure why
why did I do this I'm such a loser nobody would ever love me all that stuff
right and when you can start to disengage yourself from those stories
and have a more neutral look at the break-up
then you're going to know that no contact is really working for you right
so maybe that isn't so much blaming or yourself or your ex but more realizing
that you know yeah we both had an equal contribution in this breakup and you
know yeah it's obviously unfortunate but you
know I can see how I contribute it I can see how they contributed to this or you
know even if they did something like totally out of character that was
totally uncalled for you can go like yeah I can see that was really not the
best move but at the same time you know I trusted them and I can I totally
deserve that consequence and when you can start to have this more neutral view
of it without all the emotional charge right beating yourself up beating them
up regretting things in the past stuff like that when you can start to have you
know a more neutral perspective on things that's when you know that things
are really starting to work with the no contact rule okay so again those have
been five signs that the no contact rule is working for you and if you'd like to
learn more about how you can kind of get back together with your ex whether it
involves the no contact rule let's do after the no contact rule or you know
anything in between please head on over to relationship inner game.com and sign
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tips and actionable advice to help you get back together with your ex and you
know if you feel like taking a little bit deeper we do have a training program
but you know a lot of people get a lot of value from the newsletter as it is
and don't necessarily need to go to the training program but either way
head on over to relationship inner game.com and sign up there so that we
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you