WELCOME. WELCOME ONE AT ALL TO "THE
LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. HOW IS EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT?
[CHEERING] I DON'T KNOW WHY.
THE WORLD IS UPSIDE DOWN. WE'RE SHOOTING BALLOONS
WITH MILLION DOLLAR MISSILES, WE'VE GOT TOXIC RUNOFF IN
OUR RIVERS, AND THE TOP FORM OF ENTERTAINMENT IS WATCHING
A COKED-UP BEAR COMMIT MURDERS. THANKS TO CLIMATE CHANGE,
THIS WEEKEND, LOS ANGELES GOT A BIG OLD SNOWSTORM, AND NOT
JUST WAY UP IN THE MOUNTAINS, EVEN THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN
GOT DUSTED WITH SNOW. CALIFORNIA KIDS MADE SNOW-BROS.
LOOK HOW CUTE THAT IS. BUT THEN AGAIN, CALIFORNIA
DESERVED TO HAVE SOME FUN, 'CAUSE I BELIEVE CALIFORNIA'S
ONLY OTHER WEATHER OPTION IS "FIRE."
I WAS IN LOS ANGELES THIS WEEKEND, I'M NOT GONNA SAY WHY.
I'LL JUST SAY IN A TOTALLY UNRELATED STORY,
THIS THURSDAY MY GUEST WILL BE MR. STEPHEN SPIELBERG.
SPIELBERG. NO BIG DEAL.
WHILE I WAS OUT THERE, I WENT TO THE PRODUCERS GUILD AWARDS,
AND WHEN I WAS BACKSTAGE, THIS IS TRUE,
I MET TOM CRUISE. HE'S NORMAL HEIGHT.
HERE'S THE THING, THE MOMENT HE SHOOK MY HAND, I GAINED THE
ABILITY TO FLY AN AIRPLANE. I DON'T KNOW HOW HE DID IT,
I DON'T KNOW WHY HE DID IT, BUT TOM, IF YOU'RE WATCHING,
THANK YOU. TALK TO ME, GOOSE.
NOW, HERE'S ANOTHER SURPRISING DEVELOPMENT THIS WEEKEND:
THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY RELEASED A NEW REPORT SAYING,
A LAB LEAK IS THE MOST LIKELY ORIGIN OF THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC.
WELL, THERE IT IS! CHINESE WET MARKETS,
YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK. LET'S ORDER A ROUND OF PANGOLIN
POPPERS FOR THE TABLE! I LOVE A NICE PLATE OF WET APPS!
CAN WE GET SOME CIVIT FINGERS. NOW, IF LIKE ME, YOU'RE
WONDERING WHY THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY IS THE ONE MAKING THIS
JUDGEMENT, IT'S BECAUSE THAT AGENCY OVERSEES A NETWORK
OF U.S. NATIONAL LABORATORIES, SOME OF WHICH CONDUCT
ADVANCED BIOLOGICAL RESEARCH. NO.
NO! BAD ENERGY DEPARTMENT.
NO BIO LABS UNTIL YOU FINISH BUILDING
YOUR ELECTRIC CAR CHARGING STATIONS!
STAY IN YOUR LANE! YOU DON'T SEE...
YOU DON'T SEE... YOU DON'T SEE THE CENSUS BUREAU
BUILDING NUKES. BUT WHATEVER.
WHO AM I TO SAY? THEY ARE THE ENERGY BAR.
I'M SURE THEY'RE SMART. THEY WOULDN'T RELEASE THESE
FINDINGS UNLESS THEY WERE ABSOLUTELY CONFIDENT --
WHAT'S THAT? THEY MADE THEIR JUDGMENT WITH
"LOW CONFIDENCE." YEAH, YOU COULD TELL BY THE WAY
THEY DELIVERED THE NEWS. "UM, MAYBE IT WAS A LAB LEAK?
THAT'S STUPID. FORGET I SAID ANYTHING."
NOW, IT TURNS OUT, NOT EVERYONE IN THE GOVERNMENT AGREES.
SEE, WHILE THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY SUSPECTS IT WAS
A LAB LEAK, FOUR OTHER AGENCIES, ALONG WITH A NATIONAL
INTELLIGENCE PANEL, STILL JUDGE THAT THE PANDEMIC WAS LIKELY
THE RESULT OF A NATURAL TRANSMISSION, AND THE CIA
REMAINS UNDECIDED. IN FACT, THE CIA ISSUED THE
FOLLOWING STATEMENT. "WHICH VIRUS?
NO, THAT ONE WASN'T US." HUH?
THAT WAS NOT. THERE WAS ALSO NO THEORY
PUT FORTH BY, QUOTE, "ANOTHER AGENCY THAT OFFICIALS
WOULDN'T NAME." WAIT A SECOND.
THERE IS A UNITED STATES INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES SO SECRET
THEY CAN'T EVEN SAY ITS NAME? IS IT RUMPELSTILTSKIN?
IS IT FIGHT -- VOLDEMORT!
ANYWAY, WE'LL HAVE MORE ON THIS STORY AS SOON AS ANYONE HAS
ANYTHING THEY CAN PROVE. SPEAKING OF DEADLY LEAKS,
REMEMBER ALL THAT TOXIC SLUDGE FROM THE TRAIN DERAILMENT
DOWN IN OHIO? WELL, THERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS.
IT'S FINALLYSTARTING TO LEAVE OHIO.
THE BAD NEWS: IT COULD BE COMING TO YOU.
BECAUSE SOIL AND WATER FROM THE TRAIN WRECK WERE TAKEN
TO MICHIGAN AND TEXAS WITHOUT WARNING.
AND NO SURPRISE, MICHIGAN AND TEXAS WEREN'T HAPPY
WITH THIS SURPRISE, SO THE EPA STOPPED THE SHIPMENTS OF TOXIC
WASTE, AND THE NEW PLAN IS TO SCHLEP IT BACK TO VARIOUS
LOCATIONS IN OHIO, INCLUDING THE TOWN OF EAST LIVERPOOL, WHICH IS
LITERALLY ON THE OHIO RIVER. NOT THE BEST CONTAINMENT PLAN.
"ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, IT'S SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE POOL.
WE SCOOPED THE DIAPER OUT OF THE DEEP END AND WE PLACED IT SAFELY
AT THE TOP OF THE WATER SLIDE! ALL RIGHT.
EVERYBODY IN!" BUT EVEN THAT MIGHT NOT EVEN BE
REALLY? TOXIC WASTE.
EVEN THAT MIGHT NOT EVEN BE THE MOST DISTURBING PART OF THIS
STORY. THE MOST DISTURBING POINT, IT
TURNS OUT, IS NOT TELLING PEOPLE WHERE HAZARDOUS WASTE IS GOING
IS STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE. EVEN OHIO GOVERNOR MIKE DEWINE
WAS NOT BRIEFED ON WHERE IN THE COUNTRY THE SHIPMENTS WOULD BE
SENT, WHICH, REPORTEDLY, IS TYPICAL.
AND A TEXAS OFFICIAL WHO WAS OUTRAGED TO RECEIVE A SURPRISE
SHIPMENT NOTED THAT THERE'S NO LEGAL REQUIREMENT FOR
HER OFFICE TO BE NOTIFIED. GOOD LORD, DOES THE TRAIN
INDUSTRY HAVE ANY RULES? IS "MURDER ON THE ORIENT
EXPRESS" AN INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO?
EVEN THOUGH IT'S BEEN ALMOST A MONTH SINCE THE ORIGINAL CRASH,
PRESIDENT BIDEN STILL HASN'T VISITED WHICH REPORTERS ASKED
HIM ABOUT ON FRIDAY. >> I WAS NOT --
I DID A WHOLE VIDEO -- I MEAN, YOU KNOW, THE --
WHAT THE HELL -- ON -- >> ZOOM?
>> ZOOM! ZOOM.
ALL I CAN HEAR EVERY TIME I THINK OF ZOOM IS THAT SONG OF MY
GENERATION, "WHO'S ZOOMIN' WHO?"
>> Stephen: REALLY? WE ALL GO UP ON WORDS.
EVERY SO OFTEN. "WHO'S ZOOMIN' WHO?"
IS THE SONG OF YOUR GENERATION? ARETHA FRANKLIN'S
"WHO'S ZOOMIN WHO" CAME OUT IN 1985.
SIR, THE SONG OF YOUR GENERATION IS "GREGORIAN CHANT."
DEUS ERA. WE'VE ALSO GOT NEWS FROM SOMEONE
WHO WANTS TO RUN AGAINST BIDEN. TURNS OUT, THE FORMER PRESIDENT
IS MAR-A-LAGO'S RESIDENT DJ. THAT'S GOTTA BE FUN.
"AW, HONEY, HE'S PLAYING OUR SONG:
A LONG RANT ABOUT LOW-FLUSH TOILETS."
APPARENTLY, THE EX-PRESIDENT DJs EVERY THURSDAY, BUT HE DOESN'T
SPIN FROM A BOOTH. ACCORDING TO AN INSIDER,
HE CONTROLS THE MUSIC ON AN iPAD, USUALLY FROM HIS
TABLE, SO HE EATS AND PLAYS. IT'S A DJ STYLE THE CLUB KIDS
CALL "TODDLER AT OLIVE GARDEN." [APPLAUSE]
THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS ASKED ABOUT HIS DJ'ING IN A PODCAST
INTERVIEW, AND HE HAD THIS TO SAY.
>> DO YOU ACTUALLY SPIN OR -- >> NO, I DON'T SPIN BUT I PICK.
I PICK THE ONES I LIKE. >> Stephen: THEN YOU'RE NOT
A DJ! "I'M A CHEF.
I'M A CHEF. I DON'T COOK.
I JUST LOOK AT THE MENU AND I PICK.
I PICK THE ONES I LIKE. AND I EAT THE ONES I PICK."
BING BONG. THE EX-PRESIDENT ALSO RAN DOWN
WHICH MUSIC HE LIKES THE MOST. >> YOU KNOW WHAT GETS THEM
ROCKING? "Y.M.C.A."
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH, HE LOVES TO PLAY "Y.M.C.A."
THE ONLY PROBLEM IS, SOMETIMES HE FORGETS HOW TO
SPELL IT. DID YOU SAY "AWW?"
ARE YOU WORRIED THAT THE PRESIDENT
IS ILLITERATE? THANKFULLY, THAT GUY IS OUT OF
OFFICE, AND THE WORLD HAS MORE STEADY,
SANE LEADERSHIP. LIKE THE PRESIDENT OF MEXICO,
ANDRES MANUEL LOPEZ OBRADOR, WHO, OVER THE WEEKEND,
POSTED A PHOTO OF WHAT HE CLAIMS IS AN ELF.
THAT'S EXCITING NEWS! I THOUGHT ALL THE ELVES
LEFT FOR VALINOR AT THE END OF THE MOVIE.
ELROND, CALL ME. WE HAVE SO MUCH TO CATCH YOU
UP ON! DO YOU KNOW ABOUT COCAINE BEAR?
THIS ELF SIGHTING IS THE MOST AMAZING SUPERNATURAL ALLEGATION
BY A PRESIDENT SINCE FDR SAID THIS.
>> THE ONLY THING WE HAVE TO FEAR IS
THE LOCHNESS MONSTER! OH, RIGHT,
THAT'S A "SUBMARINE?" WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!
>> Stephen: LOPEZ OBRADOR IS ALL-IN.
HE CLAIMED THE PHOTO "WAS TAKEN THREE DAYS AGO"
AND THAT "EVERYTHING IS MYSTICAL."
ADDING, "OOH, I THINK THE EDIBLE IS KICKING IN.
GUYS, COME PET THE DOG. IT FEELS SO COOL!"
SO FAIR IS FAIR. HE'S THE PRESIDENT OF MEXICO.
I'M NOT. LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS
MYSTICAL, BEAUTIFUL REAL-LIFE ELF!
UH-HUH. IS THIS WHAT ELVES LOOK LIKE
IN MEXICO? IF SO, I DO NOT WANT TO TRY
THEIR KEEBLER COOKIES. BUT AGAIN, HE'S THE PRESIDENT OF
MEXICO, WHO AM I TO JUDGE. LET'S LISTEN TO HIS SPEECH
FROM LAST NIGHT. >> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
BY NOW MOST PEOPLE HAVE SEEN THE PHOTO I POSTED OF THE MAGICAL
ELVES BUT SINCE THAT PHOTO, I'VE HAD ONE ENCOUNTERS WITH THE ELF
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE DAMIAN LEWIS AND THE UNITED STATES AMBASSADOR TO
THE UNITED NATIONS, LINDA THOMAS-GREENFIELD.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!